Recently I have been feeling like I have been
losing my mind. I dream a lot and most of it is quite non sensical. I mean
honestly I sometimes wonder if all this is just in my head. Then of course I wake
up thanks to my mother shouting and letting me know that it is time I get up
and act like a 24 year old. Oh yes, 24 , that number has been bothering me a
lot recently. I am going to be 25 in a month and honestly I have nothing to
show for it. Maybe it is called a mid mid-life crisis or something.
I have these moments
of ecstasy where I feel like there are better things waiting for me
to venture into and that will take time and I feel settled and calm in my head.
But, then I have these moments of fear and complete depression where I feel
like maybe this is the best I can do. I do not feel love or compassion towards
another human being (of course I talk about lovers here).
I did work from home for more than a year but
it was so unsatisfactory. I mean I know digital media is the in thing and
people love it and all. And, I was honestly earning quite a bit for a while.
But, then I realised (which I knew for a long time) I do not like it, even a
bit. I like maybe strategising or maybe consulting people but then sitting down
and actually working on social networking sites, definitely not my scene.
I have tried to look for other opportunities.
Nothing has really worked out well. *sigh*
I am pretty sure my parents, sister and friend
(yes friend, not friends) have pretty much gotten bored hearing the same thing
over and over again. But, I feel like a loser and sometimes I feel more lost
than I felt as a child. Actually as a child I was sorted in my head: English
major and then Masters and PHD and am sorted for life.
That did not work out too well. Anyway, in the
middle, when I was in Symbi and then Mumbai, I thought I was settled again, but
of couse my everlasting love (fibromyalgia, chronic illness) let itself be
known and then a year, actually more than a year has gone and I am back to
square one.
I have left all my work from home jobs and I
sitting on some ideas I have been trying to give some shape to. Apart from that
I feel choked up in Kolkata and have been trying to find a way to escape from
here...
Ok, enough ranting for one night I think.
Adios.