Mental Breakdown
I do not know what happened. I had hardly slept and I kept feeling so overwhelmed; like I have so much to do but so little time.
I studied as usual and actually was making progress. I even went out with my friends for dinner.
I came home and just broke down. I cried my heart out. I could feel my heart.
I feel like I will disappoint everyone. I am not sure who this 'everyone' is.
I called my mom and cried for what felt like an eternity. Funny, how I talked about how I feel like I am going backward in life. I feel like I am still where I was in 2014. I realized I have never really been in a serious relationship; ever. I do not even remember when I last dated. I have been rejected quite a few times recently, so that's happening. Healthwise also, I feel like I am stuck.
Now, I know I am making the situation sound worse than it really is. But, I honestly feel like I am stuck in a loop. I know that because every year I say this exact thing; that I am stuck in a loop.
For once, I want a normal boring life. I want to go to work at 9 and stay there until 5. Come back home to a loving dog! (I have given up on the concept of a love life, I suck at it so much that I finally have decided to give up. I am not so sure that there is 'the one' for me. And, I am okay with it. I hope dogs or cats don't feel that way though, or else I will be seriously sad!) Go out with friends in the weekend. Plan holidays. Simple stuff. I don't want a lot of money, enough to live by.
I don't want to worry about what to do next all the time. I want to be happy with what I have. I know I am not really chasing wealth or fortune but I always get this feeling I am not doing enough, that I do not know enough; that I am not good enough.
I don't even know what I am supposed to be good enough for, or for whom?
I know I am not confused about what I want to do in life. But, now I doubt if I am just clueless about everything.
I think with every step till now I had to take so many detours for so many varied reasons, that now I doubt I even know where I wanted to go and where I am. I can actually write a book about what I had planned for my life and where I am. I know everyone goes through life a lot like this. But, I kid you not every time I was sure this is the path to follow, I had to take a detour and ended up in a completely different place. I mean literally, I ended up in a different country than I had intended to.
I know that a lot of what has happened in life wasn't really my fault (by the way I have lived a very nice life till now, please do not take this as me complaining, I am more than lucky and privileged to have lived a comfortable and safe life, I merely contemplating about why I feel the way I do), I feel my chronic illness derailing my career, my father falling sick the year I decided to study, visas (!!!); but sometimes I feel I could have done more. Or, maybe I need to start accepting that sometimes one cannot do more.
Well, I do not think my thoughts will go away anytime soon. I feel like I expect a lot more from myself. And, the circumstances around me do not help that.
Like, for example, currently I am jobless. I have applied to more than 300 companies, maybe more. Most I feel haven't even seen my application. Out of the ones who did interview me many have rejected me; almost all stating that it is because I need a work sponsorship in future (I do not blame them, I guess I would have done the same if I were in their position) and the rest did not bother replying. I know that maybe because of work visa or current circumstance I am not getting an offer, but deep down somewhere I fear it is because I am not good enough. Maybe if I studied more or worked more. So, see even if a situation is not in my hands, I feel like it's all my fault!
I don't know...I mean really I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen next or what I am supposed to do.
I am just doing what I feel I should do. I am currently applying to colleges because I feel maybe my education is not enough. I am studying subjects I always hated because I feel if I do maybe then I can get a good enough job.
I feel like I know what I am doing with my life, but I am evidently completely clueless.
I have always been filled with contradictions but now I feel that's who I have become. I sometimes feel like I am talented, knowledgeable, smart, hardworking and in the next minute, I feel like I couldn't have been more wrong.
I know that I love to study and I know I want to keep studying but then I feel maybe I do that because I never feel smart enough.
I know one thing for sure and, I am sure you must have picked up on it, if you have been reading closely (I do not know why you would, I mean, seriously, why!) I think a lot. I mean really, my brain can think a bit more than it should.
Anyway, I feel exhausted with thoughts. Maybe I will continue tomorrow.
Tata!
TODAY'S CHECKLIST:
- Exercise:
- Cals Out: 1645
- Steps: N/A
- Miles: N/A
- Dance: 0 mins
- Others: 90 mins
- Food:
- Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk
- Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon
- Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
- Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs
- Eating: Keto
- Cals In: 1415
- Fat: 128 g
- Protein: 54 g
- Net Carbs: 16 g
- Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
- Sleep: 2:10 Hrs
- Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.
- Study: !!!!
- Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
- Feeling: !!!!