2022 Chapter VIII Section XV

The Big Move

About five years ago, I decided I needed to move to North America from India. Why you ask? Simple. I work with North American clients and have been for years. The constant night shifts were finally getting to my physical and mental health. I had put on a tremendous amount of weight, I barely saw my people and the sun, and in general, adversely affected my wellbeing.

So, the logical conclusion, move to the part of the world where the timezones finally match. Easy, right?

NO!

You see, visas are a real bummer. They take time and money and effort, and a hell lot of luck! Then, let’s add to it a pandemic and sprinkle in some other world stuff. Lovely, isn’t it?

I am not an unlucky person by any means. I have a good life, food on my plate, a roof over my head, and loving friends and family. But I am definitely not lucky. Things that usually take a normal human being, say a month or two to get, it takes me 6/7/8/9 months. So, I have learned early on in my life to have contingency plans. Lots of them.

This brings me back to the big move I mentioned in the title. In 2017, I finally decided I wanted to move to Canada. My extensive research told me the country, and I am a good enough fit. Great. The next step figuring out how. That too after much research was done. Now, all that remained was to start the process, which is exactly what I did.

Remember I told you things take time in my life? Well, simple things that should barely take a month or so started getting delayed by several months. But, I decided to keep having patience and hope. Anyway, these were early days, and I was still a hopeful little bunny.

The initial collection of documents and language tests, which usually take a normal human person maybe half a year to a year, took me 2 years and 3 months! But I didn’t give up hope! Nope! I was hopeful things would fall into place.

Then started the process of the actual application. I did not want to leave anything to chance and hence hired an immigration lawyer. In hindsight, that may have been one of my best decisions. It was a costly affair, but I am so glad I did it.

My lawyer gave me full confidence things will happen quickly and efficiently. I laughed and told her to have backup plans, this is me after all. She brushed off such worries, and we continued with the process.

In November 2019 was the first time my lawyer showed any sign of doubt when a very simple thing that should have taken a couple of days was delayed by a month or so. But, hey things like this happens right?

Cut to March 2020, we have made a lot of progress, only two steps remain and then I am very close to moving. But guess what, the world shut down for everyone. Thus, started the longest wait I have experienced in my life. I mean it was the longest wait for everyone.

My night shifts continued. That happy bunny was now replaced with a burnt-out human being. Like everyone around me, I was going through myriads of negative and positive emotions. But, I tried not to give up hope. Hey, I have made a decision, right? I need to stick by it, or at least try.

2020 was a blur of a year. I just remember I left a very abusive company and was jobless for the last couple of months of the year. I went through anxiety, guilt, anger, etc., etc. etc.

2021 was the year of growth for me. I started therapy and worked in a new company with a wonderful CEO. A very close friend of mine started to freelance alongside me. It helped knowing I am not alone. The immigration work had pretty much been on hold. It was a thought that sometimes haunted me. I was looking forward to the ‘now’ and less to the future.

Just when I was thinking of alternatives to my ‘big decision’, my lawyer popped up from nowhere and told me, “hey, go get your medical done; things are starting up again.” I did the needful. And, then was met with more silence and more waiting.

I was now getting comfortable in this waiting period. It was part of who I was now. “So, when are you moving?” “Not sure; everything is on hold.” My life was on hold. But, truly was it? I was living and breathing and surviving. I was waking up every day, eating, pooping, watching things; I had a life.

After 5 years of delays and anxiety, I finally got the news that I was moving to Canada. Time to start the next phase in life.

Today is Day 47 since I moved to Toronto. I have found a cute studio in downtown Toronto. I am getting used to living alone; generally, things are looking fine.

But, sometimes, I have realised I am still stuck in the “I am waiting” phase. I do not know if this makes sense to anyone else. I get this constant nagging feeling like I need to be doing something more. Like I need to be prepared. The same feeling I have carried in me for the past 5 years. I was constantly preparing for my move here; the constant saving, the constant fear of getting rejected, the guilt over leaving the city I had known as home since my birth, and the subdued excitement of getting to live on my own terms.

Now that I have made the move and slowly settling in, my mind is sometimes glitching. I often wake up thinking I am in a dream and that I will soon wake up in my bed in Kolkata.

I do not know how to describe the feeling. My real life sometimes feels like a simulation, and my past seems like reality. I think it is just the adjusting to my new life that is messing with me.

I am happy. I truly am. I love how I have been able to organise my small yet cozy studio. I love the furniture and knick-knacks that I lovingly chose. I love that for the first time in my life, and I can organise the kitchen exactly how I wish to. I love waking up and breathing the fresh air. I love that the people in the neighbourhood shops and the reception in my building already know me by my name.

I love so much of my life, but that pesky part of my brain keeps asking, “So, I have moved, now what?”

I guess that is what I must figure out on my own!

2020 Chapter VII Section 29

Finding happiness in the current times

Okay, so let’s be real, the current times are strange, they are scary and most importantly can take a toll on the mind. I will not lie it has definitely taken a toll on mine. I am one of the lucky ones to still have a job in these uncertain times but had to take a huge pay-cut, and it has definitely affected all my plans.

I am an avid planner and I usually have a few backup plans ready, because let’s be honest Plan A almost never works out. But, none of my plans could ever predict the current situation. I mean yes I was ready for a rainy day here and there. But, this is not a rainy day, it is a full season and more. I had some big life-altering plans for this year, you know the whole “2020 will be my year” thing. Well, that isn’t happening any time soon.

I know all of it sounds so negative and my title says “happiness”. Well, there is happiness. There is peace of mind. And, I found it in places I least expected to.

Happiness place #1 - Ludo & more

I wouldn’t call myself a gamer by any means. I used to play Doom and Call of Duty a lot when I was younger but never invested my time, money, or effort into anything else. I do watch a lot of twitch streams of others playing different games, anything from COD to Animal Crossing to The Last of Us (parts 1 & 2). I think because I cannot or do not play the games I really enjoy seeing others play it. Yes, I find it weird as well, but I enjoy watching them none the less.

Anyway, so when the lockdown began in India, a few of my closest friends and I found ourselves with more time in hand than we were used to and we decided to utilise that time to bond. We have been friends for years now but due to adulting and such, we do not talk as much as we used to. It took a pandemic to bring us all together (socially distanced in our homes in different parts of the country) to chat and play Ludo King for hours.

Yes, you read it right, Ludo King. I know almost everyone you know has been playing this game. It’s fun, it’s easy to play and it’s addictive. Every day we took out an hour or two and played. We chatted about anything and everything under the sun and moon. And, we finally caught up. It felt like we were kids again. Only we pay endless bills now and we worry about our futures.

We played the game seriously. And, I mean, very seriously. We made up tournaments and teams. We praised our teammates and accused the others of cheating, all in jest of course. It became the new normal. Every day without fail, we met online to talk about our days of cleaning the house, cooking something new and fancy and we played. Every day the latest Ludo champion would emerge victoriously and we all went to sleep feeling happy and content. It was fun and more importantly, for those brief moments, we forgot about the pandemic and the uncertain futures. We were all going through the same times, only in varying degrees, but we understood each other, we comforted each other, we became each other’s solace. I feel our already strong friendships became stronger.

If my friends are reading this, you know who you are and you know I love you. <3

As I mentioned before there are few places I found unexpected happiness, I will share more of those in the next blogs. I hope you find your happy place as well.

Stay safe.

2020 Chapter I Section 27

My sister.

She is the older one and she is pretty cool. I consider her to be my best friend. She is my closest confidant and I know no matter what she will always have my back.

It was definitely not like that when we were children. At times I was sure I would end up killing her and have my face on the front page of the newspaper the next day with some weird headline like “Sister kills sister for a toy/piece of fruit/who gets more time with the grandmother”.

Our fights were so random and a little inspired by the WWF. Yes, we used to watch grown humans fight and think that’s a cool way to show anger/annoyance! We do not do that now. At all.

I was a skinny child and it was very easy for my strong sister to simply pick me up and toss me to the other side of a room like I was a ball of tissues. (She has always been freakily strong; she still is.) And, yes that has happened many times as much as my sister would like to deny that. Luckily none of them were physically or emotionally damaging for either of us. There was a sense of fun and bonding hidden under the layers of anger, stupidity, and childishness.

We were almost always the polar opposite in almost everything. I liked sports and to read and, she liked to, honestly I don’t remember much of what she liked as a child. I now know her well. We still are very different from each other but we have learned to adjust and adapt to each other.

Though we were not close we always had this bond where we knew to share our secrets with each other. I never could understand why we did that. We just trusted each other. We have always shared the darkest and deepest thoughts with each other and we just knew they were always going to be safe.

I think I can actually pinpoint that specific day/moment when I just knew how close I was to my sister.

We both were extremely close to our paternal grandmother. When I was 16 and my sister was 18, “Thamma” passed away. This was a huge shock for both of us. I think we dealt with that in our own ways. After about 2 years or so had passed since her passing away, one evening I suddenly felt like crying and I kept crying. I didn’t know why. It was rather late at night. I went to my sister’s room expecting she must have fallen asleep. But she was, sitting in one corner crying her heart out. It was as if we both realised at the same time what had happened. It just took us a few years to get there. I do not know if she remembers this specific night. But, it’s etched in my memory forever.

I knew then and there I definitely do not want to kill my sister (what a relief) and that she and I are meant to stick by each other forever.

We have both matured and grown so much in the last decade, a lot more than we both had hoped to. But, here we are. 2020 is our year, right didi?

Today is her day. It is her birthday. I wanted to let the world know (or the 30 odd people who will actually read this) how much I respect and love my sister. Professionally she inspires and challenges me and almost everyone she comes in contact with.

She is a really good listener and will patiently listen to you babble for hours. But, beware her favourite response is “Hmmm”. She is not being disrespectful, you just have to learn the “many depths and meanings of the hmmms”. Each has a different feeling attached to it. (I will soon release a guide book for those who would like to know more.)

She is extremely talented and maybe I am biased but I think she might be a genius as well.

I love the fact that recently she has been able to come out of her cocoon a lot more and now the world gets small glimpses of the sweet craziness that makes her unique. I am so happy that she is surrounded by people who love, respect and take care of her. Because she does the same for others.

She is the kind of person who will sacrifice for you without you ever knowing about it. If she sees someone needs something from her and she is able to get that done, she will just get that done, without question or asking for anything in return.

I had so much more I wanted to write but for today I think I will just say one thing. Since we were kids and even now, many people compare us because we are sister and it seems that’s a thing that people do. I have been told by many that my sister is better at many things etc etc. These kinds of remarks/observations never make me feel bad or sad or jealous or envious (apparently one is supposed to feel at least one of them, is what I am told). On the contrary, I feel so proud. She makes me proud all the time.

I wish that in this new year of your life, you get to fulfill all that you have set your mind to (I know you will anyway, see you at the finish line). You have taught me being ambitious isn’t a bad thing. You have taught me to always learn, re-learn and teach others what you learn, because even in teaching there is learning. You have taught me it’s never late to start anything or to believe in oneself.

You are a good sister but I think everyone who knows you can agree with me, you are a good human being.

Happy Birthday!

2020 Chapter I Section 15

Respect is earned.

This is something I truly believe. I cannot respect someone just because I am told to or because I am supposed to. Nope. No matter who you are, you need to earn my respect.

I do not care if you are related to me or older than I am or or or.

I know I am not really someone who is famous or important. My words shouldn’t mean much to many. But, I will stand by my principles. I cannot respect someone just because I must.

Respect is earned through actions, not words.

Words do not cost much. They can be bought and sold, but one’s action stands by them.

Does your action demand respect or earn it?

P.S. The two people I respect the most; my mother and sister. I just had to let the world know. :)

2020 Chapter I Section 13

Ideas vs. Laziness

I am lazy! OH YES! Sometimes I am too lazy for my own good.

I have great ideas (at least I think so) and they can be very ambitious at times. I am hard working as well. I will work hard and smart and will try to get something done.

Now, when these two meet, my lazy side wins. (Almost all the time)

That’s not great. I used to go through a lot of guilt because of that. I would feel bad that instead of working on my ‘amazing’ ideas, I just to lie on my bed and binge watch stuff (oh we will talk about that some other day, we just have to). I do not feel as guilty anymore. I mean ‘meh’ the world isn’t really missing out on much!

Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was ready to go out there (not literally, I was in my room most of the time, and before anyone says anything I work from home so I do not really need to leave my room much) and win the world.

The day even started off well. Wrote a lot. Working on a personal project and it is a lot of writing. I was feeling like “this is it man, today is my day”.

Then lunch happened. Mom had made ‘Posto Maach’. It translates to Fish cooked with poppy seeds. Yup, poppy seeds. Bengalis eat that a lot. And, it makes one sleepy. Sometimes super sleepy.

So, obviously being a good ‘bangali’ I decided to take a nap. The nap was supposed to be for an hour. Just an hour. Honestly I could have just walked it off but I decided that a nap would make more sense. Oh, so naive of me!

I wake up 4 hours later, frantically trying to remember where I am and what time it is. I had the most realistic and weirdest dreams ever. Half of the time I kept thinking I forgot to finish my work (no I haven’t). It was just plain weird.

Anyway, I wake up and realise I have lost the time I had allocated for my personal project. Bummer.

Anyway, the point is this is not the first time it has happened. I mean okay I can say today was due to ‘em poppy seeds. But, sometimes I just sit and stare, and do nothing.

I almost always have plans chalked out. I love to plan and have to-do lists. I love to chalk out the different steps. I love to do my research and make sure I am ready to go when the time comes. But nope, when the time does come, I sit there and stare.I have had ideas for years that I have all the steps ready for but have done nothing with them.

Why? Why why why? I mean planning or the work is work as well. Maybe my brain thinks “oh you have worked so much, now chill.” Maybe that’s the problem. Sigh!

I know I am not the only one who does that and that this is quite common. But, my ambitious side with the 100001 ideas gets very annoyed with the lazy one. I try to stay neutral. I mean I want to work on amazing things and also do nothing at all.

Chapter I Section 9

Well hello there.

Yeah, that’s all I had to say today!

Have a great day!

2020 Chapter I Section 8

I am grateful.

I realise every single day how lucky I am to be born to a family like mine. They are not perfect by any means, but they let me thrive in whatever ways I want to. I also think I have been able to make good friends who make my life happier.

I used to be very pessimistic. I used to blame my “bad luck” for everything. Anything and everything that happened to me was never good enough. Not that I compared my life to others or got jealous if others had anything I wanted, but I just felt my life was not good enough.

“Why does this happen to me all the time?”

For the past few years, I have been trying to see the positive in everything and I feel every day has something that makes me stop and think “I am lucky to be here right now”.

At the beginning of 2019, I decided to start posting daily Instagram stories where one of the things I want to mention is about things I am grateful for, on that specific day. Now, I will be honest with you some days were rough and I did not post for a good chunk of time in the middle of the year.

I had a very rough patch in 2019 with my health and that really affected me psychologically. (Chronic pain can really affect the mind negatively.)

Even though I didn’t share it on a social media site, even though not a single soul got to know what I felt deep down in my heart, I felt grateful to be alive every single day.

I am privileged in my own way and I am very aware of that. I am grateful for the shelter that I have, the food I get, the education I was given and most of all the opportunity to follow my dreams.

I think there are too many negative things happening all over the world. I know it’s easy to think the world is coming to an end (maybe it is, who knows!) and we have more villains than heroes. But, I truly think even with the world figuratively and literally burning right now, there is so much beauty and good left in all of us. I always try and think of that.

I think it’s easy to see the bad in things but it takes a lot to see the ‘inner beauty’.

The political atmosphere in my country is wild right now and I think seeing how much venom and hatred people have for each right now, I guess I just wanted to take out some time and think about what I am truly grateful for.

What are you grateful for today?

P.S. I am aware I am privileged to be sitting and writing about getting the opportunity to look at the bright side of things and be grateful for it. Many do not have that. I try not to just be aware of it but help out in whatever ways I think makes sense to me. I am not perfect and I definitely am not doing enough and yes that bothers me. I feel guilty about that 24/7, so let’s not get there.

2020 Chapter I Section 7

I think about food. A lot.

Well, to be fair I am a Bengali human person. As the stereotype goes, we love to eat, think about what we eat and talk about what we eat. Food is a big part of our identity. At least I can say it is definitely part of mine. I am a foodie through and through. (My dream is to be able to travel as much as possible and experience local cuisines all over the world. I believe food says a lot about who we are.)

However, I had always had a love-hate relationship with food. That is, I love food but it doesn’t seem to love me back. There are so many things that I cannot eat without breaking into hives or falling sick. Why food why? Why do you not love me as I love thee?

And, of course, we have to talk about food and my weight. As a kid, I was extremely underweight. So, of course, everyone assumed I didn’t eat enough. Now, I am overweight so obviously I must be stuffing my face with ‘junk food’ all the time. That’s how it works, didn’t you know?

I will not lie, these weird assumptions and being told to either gain or lose weight affected me a lot. As if my identity relied on that one thing: Am I thin or fat? (I am happy to report I do not care about any of it anymore. My priority is to be healthy, fit and happy. Unless you are directly involved in enriching my life, your opinion matters to me, as much as the foods I am allergic to do; I will look at you, see you but instantly ignore you.)

I think the biggest culprits are our relatives. No matter if they are seeing me after a decade or for the first time since I was born, the first thing they would say “Ebaba ki mota hoe gachis? Ektu kom kha ar gym kor.” (“Oh my, look how fat you have gotten? Eat a little less and go to the gym.”)

Umm…how do these aunts and uncles always seem to know how much I am eating or if I go to the gym or not without actually being in my life? Wow, they must have the sixth sense that M. Night Shyamalan was talking about and something I do not possess. They see fat people and know exactly what they eat and how much activity they get.

I can actually talk about this for days, even months. But, the point is that these unwarranted comments affected me and I developed weird eating habits. I like many others, villanised food. I thought thinking about food means I have an addiction to food. For a while, I truly believed that I had an eating disorder. I even got professional help for it just to be told, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, don’t cut out the foods, cut out the toxic people from your life.”

Being a good patient, I followed my doctor’s orders and did as was I told. I am happy to report I am currently missing a few relatives and old friends from my life but I gained a true love and appreciation for food and all its beauty.

I will be honest, I am not a person who can go on ‘diets’. I cannot do ‘calorie deficit’ and all the jazzy things out there. I need to feel satisfied with what I am having.

The one thing I can do is follow easy and simple rules. If I am told not to do something, I can easily do that. It has taken me years but now I understand which foods make me happy and are also healthy for me. I cannot just eat to sustain, I need to love what I am eating. But, I also do not want to eat and make myself sick either

I like to think about what I eat, I like to meal prep and I love to cook. (It pays off that I am a decent cook, well I like my own food and for now that all that matters.) I love to learn about the ingredients I am using and I like to be aware of the foods I am putting in my body.

I have noticed I love to plan out what I will eat in a day before the day starts. I do not always follow them perfectly but it helps me to make sure I am getting enough nutrients and also get to eat what I want to.

Maybe to some, it seems restrictive and to others it is discipline. I just know it helps me to enjoy my food.

P.S. I have so many more things I want to talk about, on the topic of food, maybe I will do so in the coming days. As I said I do think about food a lot and the impact it has on me, my health and even the world, because of course what we eat does affect everything around us as well. But, maybe that’s a topic for another day.

2020 Chapter I Section 6

Let’s be lazy today.

I wish I could do nothing and just enjoy the warmth of my bed. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

I saw an Instagram post which described how this person wants to stay in bed but must get up and get moving. I related to it a lot. The post was had a comic book feel to it and I loved it.

It inspired me to be less lazy today. (Yet I found time to be lazy)

I did all I had to do. Finish my work. Take care of my responsibilities. Then, once all that needed attention was attended to, I just plopped on my bed and lazed. I lazed and lazed and lazed.

Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do but you then one must laze.

Okay, that’s all for today. :)

2020 Chapter I Section 4

Spend some time with yourself.

I love to do this. I think I have always been someone who liked spending time indoors, reading or listening to music or be in my own little world. I used to think I was a ‘loner’, but now I feel like I just like to spend time with myself.

I wouldn’t say I am the most fascinating person on earth, but I am, to me.

I know a lot of people find it hard to go for a meal or a movie alone. Some find it plain weird. I know many who complain that people at restaurants stare and sometimes even ridicule them because they are eating there alone. I believe them. I have been on the receiving end of all of that. But, to be honest it doesn’t affect me much. It never has.

In the current world, we are almost always so connected. Social media has made it so easy for us to stay connected. Even, when you are alone, you are not. I mean unless you switch everything off.

So this brings me to today, my parents suddenly decided to go to a movie in the evening. They do that a lot. I am a little more particular about what I like to watch and spend my money on so I decided to skip it. But, I also did not feel like staying at home. (I mean it’s a Saturday, one must go out on a Saturday, right?) I asked around to see if anyone was available. None were.

Well, then it’s a date. With me!

As usual, the first thing I love to do is shop for groceries. Yes, I love to go grocery shopping. Be it at malls or the farmers’ markets. I like to make a list, read the labels and look at the ingredients. I like to see which fruits and vegetables “call to me” and I love to roam around the aisles. I usually enjoy walking around with my earphones plugged in. Today I was listening to a book, “The early cases of Hercule Poirot” by Agatha Christie. It is a collection of short stories and it was simply perfect for the occasion.

Once, I was satisfied with everything I got, I decided it was time to walk around the mall. I love to walk. But thanks to my recent aggravated allergies I can hardly step outside without coughing myself to near death. So, now I love walking for hours inside enclosed malls. (And it doesn’t involve window shopping, sometimes I do not even notice what shops are there) This one is pretty big and luckily it wasn’t crowded that day.

Of course, no date is complete without a meal. I decided to splurge a little. My date is special after all. I noticed a new restaurant had opened up, Indigo Delicatessen. I remembered the name from when I was in Mumbai and remembered having an amazing meal there, so I decided to indulge.

Well, 45 minutes and a plate of lamb chop and sautéd pork later, I felt satisfied. My wallet felt the pinch, hard, very hard but I was happy.

The whole day turned out to be so good. I felt rejuvenated.

I believe in one thing, if you can be comfortable being with yourself, you can be comfortable anywhere. I have learned one thing over the years when I choose to be around others, it is a choice. I don’t need anyone but I want them.

I do not know if this sounds like a psychotic rant of a self-centered human or someone who truly enjoys their own company as much as she does of others. Either way, I am happy!

How about you? Do you like to spend time with yourself? Do you talk to yourself? Do you find it hard to go out for a meal or a movie without someone accompanying you?