Why do I do what I do?
Sometimes, I do not understand how my brain works! I mean, I was having a perfectly good day. I woke up on time. I started with the right foods. I was ready to do weights (I didn't in the end, my cramps got the better of me). I began studying on time. Then, suddenly as afternoon fell, I turned into a new human being!
I am not joking. I felt like something possessed me. It is 18:02 IST and I am sitting in front of my laptop wondering why I did what I did in the last few hours!
You must be wondering what this girl is talking about!? I am talking about food! I don't think I love food; I think I am addicted to it. Recently I have had this feeling more than once, that I might be a lot more dependent on food than I had initially thought.
I have meant to make Patishapta for a while. It is a Bengali sweet dish which is like a mini roll made of rice crepes and a coconut and jaggery filling. I am not a big fan of sweets, but I wanted to learn how to make them. Just like that.
Anyhu, not trying to brag or anything, but, oh man, they turned out much better than I had hoped. I think my mother also did not believe that they would taste so good. Anyway, I was nicely making them and promised myself that I would only eat one small one, to taste, you know!
Here, I am after eating 3 of them, and none of them was small!!! And, to add to it, I made koraishutir kochuri (fried wheat tortillas with peas filling) and cabbage curry! And, ate that too!
So, usually, I wouldn't have reacted much to this. I mean I made food, and I ate it. But, what got to me was, while I was eating I felt like it wasn't Me who was eating the food. Like I was momentarily possessed and then now I just remember the feeling of being full!
I do not know if this makes any sense to you. I am pretty sure it doesn't. And, what is worse is, this is not the first time this has happened. I seem to eat unhealthy food in large amounts and have no memory of eating them. Somehow, my brain nicely erases these moments.
One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging was to keep an honest account of my daily food consumption. Something I can go back to when I seem to be lying to myself that I ate well throughout the day and the reason I am not losing any weight is that I am just cursed!!!
See, I have always had weight issues (I will talk more about it in the coming days). Either I was too thin or too fat. I mean seriously I was either unhealthily underweight or obese. I am the latter now!
I do not want to lose weight in the hopes of being hot. No, I just want to be healthy. I am 28, and I want to start to take care. As it is I have many health issues, I do not want to add more to them.
So, this worries me a lot. That sometimes I sort of black out when I am in front of food. Something in me totally breaks down as the deliciousness beckons me. And, I do not know what to do!
Sometimes, I eat, actually stuff myself, even when I am not hungry. Even when I am full to the brim, I would unconsciously keep eating. I sometimes feel this food addiction and the fact I was bullied in my childhood might be directly linked. Anyway, more on that at a later date. I feel mentally fatigued. I am very disappointed with me. I wanted to eat better, and I have already started failing.
I think I will go and read something. Maybe that will help.
Edit: 21:18 IST
I have lost my mind today. Out of sheer dumbness has been born my brain. I did not read or finish what I wanted to study. I walked around for a while though, but shamefully so my Pokemon egg would hatch! (facepalm) And, then I decided to have a simple salad but mom said oh no I made parathas so just finish them or they will go bad and so I had that with eggs! I mean Whyyyy?
Maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself about not eating certain things and just encourage it to eat the right thing. Funnily enough I do eat my share of fruits and veggies and good protein every single day. But, some how end up over eating by eating some bad junk!
Help!
TODAY'S CHECKLIST:
- Exercise: Walked 3500 steps.
- Food:
- Breakfast: Left over Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce
- Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber.
- Snack: Super Drink, 3 Patishaptas, 2 koraishutir kochuri and cabbage curry.
- Dinner: Two parathas and egg bhurji
- Study: Stanford, one module.
- Read: 20 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
- Feeling: Rather Disspointed with me.