2017 Chapter III Section 27

Cleaning: A poem

My mild OCD,

Will be the end of me. 

With a broom in hand, 

Here, I stand. 

In front of a room, 

Which is already clean, 

But, it is not upto, 

My standard of spic and span. 

I am losing my mind, 

And, a little bit of my behind. 

I went on a wild cleaning spree, 

This cleaning monster will never let me be free. 

Now, I lie on my bed super tired, 

I am getting my brain fired. 

Because it still cannot stop, 

Thinking of cleaning more pans and pot.

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Egg Sunnyside up, Bread
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Chicken Curry
  • Snack: Blueberry, Blackberry, Chocolate
  • Dinner: Pasta, veg sauce
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Cleaning spree

2017 Chapter III Section 3

Then & Now

[Today I am not doing the weigh-in as nothing has changed since last week as I was sick the whole week and I truly want to talk about what I have written below!]

As I pack my room and get ready to leave on a somewhat long journey, I keep finding my old pictures. I have never been comfortable in front of the camera as much as I am behind it. But, on these rare occasions, somehow I willingly stood in front of a camera and let someone take my picture. 

When I see my old pictures, somehow I see how much I have changed. I have evolved. Most of it is good, but there are things which I loved about the old me, which is slowly disappearing. 

Anyone who sees my old pictures would always point out how thin I was at that point. Earlier it used to bother me, but now I think I have grown a much thicker skin! (quite literally I feel)

When I look at these pictures, I see a more innocent me. I see how so many people so easily used my naivety. I have always been one of those 'helpful' people. I have on so many occasions, done things for others even when it hurt me or delayed my work. I used to do that even with no thanks in return and sometimes after I helped I would hear rumours about those very people talking bad behind my back. 

But, I have obviously learnt. 

One of the things I miss about old me is I used to be a less angry person. I am not sure if it is because of my current situation that has turned me into an old grinch or I am slowly turning into one. But, I do get angry quite quickly nowadays. And, I do not like it. 

I have always hated anger in general, and now I hate it that I do that.

I obviously miss the fact that I used to be quite slim. But, I am more confident in my being than I used to be. I might be the heaviest now, but I have the most confidence in me than ever before. 

I have realised my heart is still the same. I still feel the pains I used, and now I feel them even more as now I understand the truth behind those betrayals. 

I have always had a wall around me but now it is a lot more inviting yet a lot tougher to break (I do not know if it makes sense to you as it made to me). 

Let me try to explain: I do talk to more people and am in general less judgemental (I was very idealistic before), but I do not jump forward to help each and everyone as I used to before. I have become a little picky about whom I let into my heart completely.  

Anyway, I think I still have a lot more growing to do! And, am quite happy with the me that I have become. I just always hope to remember where I have come from and where I want to go! 

On that note, Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Macher Paturi, Rice, Aloo Gobi
  • Snack: Lactose-Free Milk, Coffee, Cupcake
  • Dinner: Luchi, Kosha Mangsho 
• Study: Stanford 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Nostalgic. 

2017 Chapter I Section 3

Why do I do what I do?

Sometimes, I do not understand how my brain works! I mean, I was having a perfectly good day. I woke up on time. I started with the right foods. I was ready to do weights (I didn't in the end, my cramps got the better of me). I began studying on time. Then, suddenly as afternoon fell, I turned into a new human being! 

I am not joking. I felt like something possessed me. It is 18:02 IST and I am sitting in front of my laptop wondering why I did what I did in the last few hours! 

You must be wondering what this girl is talking about!? I am talking about food! I don't think I love food; I think I am addicted to it. Recently I have had this feeling more than once, that I might be a lot more dependent on food than I had initially thought. 

I have meant to make Patishapta for a while. It is a Bengali sweet dish which is like a mini roll made of rice crepes and a coconut and jaggery filling. I am not a big fan of sweets, but I wanted to learn how to make them. Just like that. 

Anyhu, not trying to brag or anything, but, oh man, they turned out much better than I had hoped. I think my mother also did not believe that they would taste so good. Anyway, I was nicely making them and promised myself that I would only eat one small one, to taste, you know! 

Here, I am after eating 3 of them, and none of them was small!!! And, to add to it, I made koraishutir kochuri (fried wheat tortillas with peas filling) and cabbage curry! And, ate that too! 

So, usually, I wouldn't have reacted much to this. I mean I made food, and I ate it. But, what got to me was, while I was eating I felt like it wasn't Me who was eating the food. Like I was momentarily possessed and then now I just remember the feeling of being full! 

I do not know if this makes any sense to you. I am pretty sure it doesn't. And, what is worse is, this is not the first time this has happened. I seem to eat unhealthy food in large amounts and have no memory of eating them. Somehow, my brain nicely erases these moments. 

One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging was to keep an honest account of my daily food consumption. Something I can go back to when I seem to be lying to myself that I ate well throughout the day and the reason I am not losing any weight is that I am just cursed!!! 

See, I have always had weight issues (I will talk more about it in the coming days). Either I was too thin or too fat. I mean seriously I was either unhealthily underweight or obese. I am the latter now! 

I do not want to lose weight in the hopes of being hot. No, I just want to be healthy. I am 28, and I want to start to take care. As it is I have many health issues, I do not want to add more to them.

So, this worries me a lot. That sometimes I sort of black out when I am in front of food. Something in me totally breaks down as the deliciousness beckons me. And, I do not know what to do! 

Sometimes, I eat, actually stuff myself, even when I am not hungry. Even when I am full to the brim, I would unconsciously keep eating. I sometimes feel this food addiction and the fact I was bullied in my childhood might be directly linked. Anyway, more on that at a later date. I feel mentally fatigued. I am very disappointed with me. I wanted to eat better, and I have already started failing. 

I think I will go and read something. Maybe that will help. 

Edit: 21:18 IST

I have lost my mind today. Out of sheer dumbness has been born my brain. I did not read or finish what I wanted to study. I walked around for a while though, but shamefully so my Pokemon egg would hatch! (facepalm) And, then I decided to have a simple salad but mom said oh no I made parathas so just finish them or they will go bad and so I had that with eggs! I mean Whyyyy? 

Maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself about not eating certain things and just encourage it to eat the right thing. Funnily enough I do eat my share of fruits and veggies and good protein every single day. But, some how end up over eating by eating some bad junk! 

Help! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 3500 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Left over Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber.
  • Snack: Super Drink, 3 Patishaptas, 2 koraishutir kochuri and cabbage curry.  
  • Dinner: Two parathas and egg bhurji
• Study: Stanford, one module. 
• Read: 20 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
• Feeling: Rather Disspointed with me. 

So what do you weigh?

Weight has been a constant struggle of mine since I was a child. Either I weighed too little or too much. Either I am too thin or too fat. I know many who have gone through similar struggles of their own. I am sure my friends here on Facebook can comment and validate that.

I have always found it ridiculous that how, many fail to see the struggle, the pain or the implication that a few simple words put together can have on others; "You are so fat, maybe you should lose some weight!" Alternatively, "You are so thin, you do not eat properly." I have been stupid enough times to let these very words get to me, oh so many times.

I have had many health issues and have gone through different kinds of medication. A lot of those have led to erratic weight gain or loss. Most don’t know that, and that is fine. However, what saddened/saddens me is that when I meet these people (old or new) how much I weigh makes the “Who I am” to them. To them, I am either too lazy or a bad eater or eating too less, etc., etc., etc. I have even met people who insist medication leading to weight gain be just my excuse to hide the real issue, which I am just plain lazy!!! So many times, I have come so very close to punching a few when they say in the most irritatingly cocky/mocking manner; “Oh please if you exercise and ‘diet’ you will lose weight. Look I have done it!” (And, they insist I look at their abs or muscles! Why Why Why!!!?!) Now, I know, I will meet more of these people in future too. I just hope I do not end up punching them!!! ;)

This is what I wanted to/should have said: “Well, dear sir/ma’am, (or person who knows me for exactly 10 seconds), you and I are not the same. What works for you may not work for me! Anyway, thanks for the unwarranted advice and sight. What would I have done in life without that! My hero!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Well, this note is not an online rant about how tired I am of these ridiculous conversations. Yes, I am currently fat (by industry standards) but very healthy! Thank you very much! I exercise regularly and eat well! If that does not satisfy you, well, I do not give a damn. Moreover, no I am not depressed or sad, and nothing is wrong with me or my life. I honestly felt like writing something, and I know of many who have gone through similar struggles and thought sharing on an online forum would be a nice way to purge myself of the negative feelings and feed off the positive ones.

Having said that, let’s get back to the point. How much I weigh on the scale has been the point on which many have judged the who I was/am! No, the two things are not the same. I am not my weight or the fat I have in my body or the lack of it. I am much more than that. I may not be a celebrity or haven’t done anything really that significant with my life, (Yet) I haven’t saved anyone, not even a puppy (they anyway seem to matter much more than human lives anyway) and no I am definitely not on the path to enlightenment of any sort (While I meditate I think of the many mini scripts I want to write or toppings the pizza should have, or sometimes I think of what home improvements can be made to the current room I am sitting in. The last one thanks to my sister who keeps watching these kinds of shows. All the time!). I am most probably not even a very “special” person, not a “genius” and definitely not skilled in most things on earth. Moreover, to be honest, that’s fine.

I realised I am, well, Me!!!

Moreover, I am super happy and proud of that. All the people I have met, all the times I have been able to make people laugh (seems to be more often than I realise), all the great meals I have been able to make, the innumerable hours I have spent studying/working, travelling and trying new cuisines, meeting interesting people, reading, being safe in general (something we actually take for granted most days); through all that I have realised I have lived a pretty decently good life. I have a loving family (all are healthy and hearty), a few crazy friends and a desire to live on to see what’s next. Moreover, I think all these outweighs everything else.

I think the weight that I carry in my heart, of all the love I have received, the memories I have made, the brilliant food I have eaten (Oh, of course, I had to mention this, DUH!), the people I have met, the places I have been to; all that weighs much more than I can ever weigh or not weigh (you know the whole thin/fat thing, in case some people don’t get it).

So, tell me how much do you weigh? (And, all those ready to crack some smart ass joke, do refrain from that. No, seriously I mean it.)

P.S. Of course, while I rant about weighing a beautiful video like this has to pop up. Sometimes the perfect words come from the most unexpected sources! Do watch. #neededthisbadly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1I...

Do you see the real me?

Hey,

What do you see when you look at me?

Is it my beautiful soul?

That has been a work in progress since day one.

Or, is it my sense of humour?

(Well, I never see you not laughing when you are with me.)

Maybe I didn’t master all the trades,

But, I know the little tricks.

I know how to make my world go round.

I pay my dues just like you do.

Maybe a bit more sometimes.

But do you see all that hard work?

All the sacrifices?

All the shame, the suffering, all the laughter and joy?

That makes me?

Or do you only see a part of me,

A small part.

That part which wraps around my soul,

Like a lard filled wrap.

Do you only see my skin, my stretch marks,

My little bumps and bruises?

I know my skin and bones,

Look a little, okay, maybe a lot different

From yours. Maybe I have a bit more.

A lot more than there should be.

But, does it make me any less?

Do you really only see a ‘fat girl’ when you look at me?

Or, have you never really seen me at all?