2022 Chapter I Section VII

Who is that, staring back at me in the mirror?

How did I let this get this far?

I feel like I have woken up from a nightmare.

But, am I up yet?

Because this feels like a living nightmare.

I look in the mirror and see someone else,

staring back at me.
That is not me.

Not the me I know so well and love.

No, it is not the body that I care about.

What is this that I have become?

I never knew I hated me so much.

Is this hate? This cannot be love.

What is this?

I love food and that will never change,

But what needs to change is my dependency on it.

My mobility has become weaker.

Knee feels crushed under the increasing weight.

My chest pains from time to time.

While I sleep, my breathing isn’t the same.

I am scared. I truly am scared.

I do not want to get a six pack or a beach body.

I just want less pain and more health.

I know I have so many issues to work on.

Yes, I am working on them.

But, one big thing I have to work on,

Is me.

I know what is needed.

I just have to do it.

This is the time.

NOW is the time.

There may not be a tomorrow if this goes on.

2021 Chapter XI Section 3

I went for a walk

I have been yo-yo-ing a lot with my weight. I lose a couple, I gain more back. I get into the zone and then suddenly there is no zone in sight. This has been happening for a couple of years now. I have tried a dietician, talked to a therapist, got a personal trainer, got fancy watches and shoes, and whatnot.

Every now and then I suddenly have a burst of energy and I am able to do what I plan to. I wake up early, go for that morning run, I work out 3-5 times a week, HIIT and what not. I even follow fun diets and not-so-fun ones. I try to be strict and lenient and everything in between. I reward myself or give myself those days off. But, work hard on the others.

Yet, it is November 2021 and I am 98.3kgs. Mind you I am barely 154 cms. So, yes I am not healthy right now. And, no I am not fat-shaming myself. I LOVE my body. I love the way I look and feel. But, I have developed a lot of health issues in the past few years which are directly related to my weight gain. I am pre-diabetic (it anyway runs in my family with a plethora of other things I am praying I do not ever get) and I am worried.

I was able to lose 30+ kgs of weight before and I know everything there is to lose it again. (both weight gain stories are for another day, focus man) I need to. I want to. But. But what is it? Why is it so difficult this time? Why am I struggling so much? Is the hormone medicines I am having that affect my mood, my weight, my almost everything? Is it 2020 and all its evil? (I know it’s gone but hey the after effects are still there.) Is it the fact that I am an emotional eater and I have too many emotions right now? What is it?

Honestly, I do not have an answer. I guess somewhere I know I may not find the answer. And, you know what, that is okay. I just need to forget the “should haves” and “could haves” and just start again. I will keep starting again as many times as I need to because I know deep down I am getting closer. This time actually might be it. Am I being delusional? Maybe. But, maybe this time is the one.

I am not chasing an unreasonable target or having an unattainable goal. I know myself well and my body and how much it is capable of. I just want to make sure it is not in pain and that every time I walk I do not break into a sweat and feel like this is it, my heart will give up on me this time. I do not want six pack abs or a beach body. I simply aspire to have a body that can function well.

Anyway, so all these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. And, so on Monday 1st November 2021, I woke up at 5 in the morning and just went for a walk. It was a struggle, oh trust me, it was. And, then I went the next morning and the next. That’s all I want to do this time. Just wake up and do the things I feel like doing. For 7 days in a row I have been dancing for 15 - 20 minutes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to move my body like no one is watching.

Yes, I still have my trainer. My plan is to push him to push me to get uncomfortable (not too much, I mean, come on now) because when I get uncomfortable I fight back and I rise.

Food is my best friend and my worst enemy (so much I want to say here but that is for another day). I have decided to let food be for now. I try not to overindulge at every opportunity but also not deprive myself of small joys here and there.

This may just have been a rambling without an actual point, all I really wanted to say, I went for a walk and I loved it.

Current weight: 98.2 kgs

Current fitness level: -2

2017 Chapter II Section 17

WEIGH-IN PART 6

I have been a good girl this week. I did eat a few outside food, but I made sure the amount wasn't a lot. Since I was out of home quite a bit this week; I had to eat outside!  

The week did not start off so well as I suffered from a severe stomach upset the first two days. But, the rest of the week was quite uneventful. 

Today was the start of something important in my life, which will culminate on 23rd. I am hopeful it will be all positive. Let's see! 

Today was rather exciting. 

I met my school friend after almost 12 years! She was my first friend. 

We had fallen out of touch for a while but recently reconnected. It was great to see her after so long. She looks so different from the last time I saw her, but she talks and smiles the same way! It made me miss the good ole' days! :) 

Since the year has started, old friends of mine have been getting in touch with me one way or the other. It feels a bit surreal!

More on that later, I am way too sleepy to function right now! 

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK:

DATE: 17/02/2017

Weight: 85.5 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 42.75 Kgs

Neck: 14.60 Inches
Shoulders: 47.1 Inches
Chest: 44 Inches
Waist: 44 Inches
Hips: 46 Inches
Bicep L: 13.70 Inches
Forearm L: 9.80 Inches
Bicep R: 12.50 Inches
Forearm: 10.01 Inches
Thigh L: 28 Inches
Calf L: 15.20 Inches
Thigh R: 27.6 Inches
Calf R: 14.90 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weight Training, 4200 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Aloo Poshto
  • Snack: Chia, Flaxseed, Half a Chicken Sandwich 
  • Dinner: Dimsum, Noodles, Rice, Hunan Chicken (MainLand China), I had a little bit of everything
• Study: None
• Read: The Confidence Man
• Feeling: Optimistic 

2017 Chapter II Section 10

WEIGH-IN PART 5

Today I feel so emotionally defeated and infuriated! I feel, as a human being, I am not doing anything for this world. I feel powerless and helpless. 

Today, while entering the main gate at our housing complex, I  saw the security guard profusely apologising to a car. A man was about to get out of that car and hit that guard. I noticed he was a minister (a very powerful one here, so for the sake of my family, I have been warned not to put down his name).

[Our car passed this scene, and we were there for about a minute or so, but it was enough to hear what the man was shouting about and what the guard was saying sorry about.]

It unfortunately only took a split second to understand that the guard had stopped this man to inquire about who he wanted to meet inside the housing complex. This is a standard procedure here, and the people who stay inside the housing complex are very thankful for their service. 

This man's tiny ego got hurt because he was asked to stop and so he was shouting at the guard. Though the guard was not at fault, he had to keep saying sorry. I wanted to get down from my car and slap that man so hard. I felt so angry. He kept shouting, "How dare you stop me, don't you know who I am?" The guard was almost at the man's feet asking for forgiveness. 

I almost immediately wanted to shout at this man, but my parents told me to calm down and not say anything. The reason being this man, and his so called powerful political party can do a lot of harm to my family and me. 

I felt powerless as a citizen of this country. These politicians who are supposed to serve us, blatantly use their power to oppress people. That so-called minister in actuality works for that guard as the former is paid by our tax money. 

I feel so angry that I couldn't do anything because if I speak up, then most probably I will be harmed and so will my family. I couldn't immediately go and check if that guard was okay or not, but I will for sure. 

We all fear his job might be at stake and for what? For doing his job. I swear to all things good on earth, I will make something of me so that one day I will not have to be afraid of such lowlife pretending to be human beings. I will use my power to show them their place. They do not understand human language or emotions. 

If you cannot respect your fellow humans, (even if they are your subordinates), you deserve no respect. If there is a God, this man should be punished in the way that will hurt him. I couldn't believe the sheer arrogance and ego I saw in his eyes. It's been hours since I saw that, my blood is still boiling and I hope it does for the rest of my life. I do not want to become compliant. I feel ashamed of me for doing nothing today. For not standing up for what is right!  

I do not ever want to bow down to such people. I hope one day I have a loud enough voice to drown his arrogance. 

On other news, it has been a good health week. I have exercised and ate well, especially the last few days. I have started doing some shoulder exercises especially meant for Fibro pain. 

I have started losing some inches and weight, so I am glad. 

I just have to keep up the good work! 

Enough for today. For now, I will watch puppy videos and calm down!

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK:

DATE: 10/02/2017

Weight: 86.1 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 43.05 Kgs

Neck: 14.60 Inches
Shoulders: 47.4 Inches
Chest: 45 Inches
Waist: 43.6 Inches
Hips: 46.20 Inches
Bicep L: 13.50 Inches
Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
Bicep R: 12.40 Inches 
Forearm: 9.8 Inches
Thigh L: 28.2 Inches
Calf L: 15.40 Inches
Thigh R: 28.2 Inches
Calf R: 14.60 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4363 Steps, weights
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Murighanta 
  • Snack: Ceasar Salad with very little dressing, narkeli kul
  • Dinner: Rice, Murighanta 
• Study: None
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Furious, at me, the world and in general with everything around me. But, mostly with me. 

2017 Chapter II Section 8

Fat Thoughts

It's been a while now, that my body has been at war. I have quite a few physical issues. 

I have issues with my hormones, PCOD, Fibromyalgia and a tendency of falling sick or just falling and breaking or injuring different parts of my body. 

I mention all these because, since 2012, I have been consistently becoming heavier and now my weight is at an alarming number. I have had minor successes here and there, but they were all short-lived. 

50% of this is because of my issues (they individually delay the process of weight loss but together they make it even harder and that's what gets to me sometimes), but the other 50% is because I either get lazy or demoralised. 

I have recently started walking, and I have seen some result, but I haven't been able to curb my food intake and also the kind of foods I am eating. My sleep has also been a huge factor. I am not getting enough and proper sleep!!!

I have a special thing on the 23rd of February, and I needed some new clothes (I hate shopping for clothes, I only buy when I have to). I was nicely fitting into clothes a size smaller than I was a few months back, but there was only one issue, my stomach. 

I have developed a huge paunch, and it is just not going away. It is rather disappointing because I looked good in the clothes I was trying except my stomach jutted out and it was quite visible. 

Now, honestly, I do not have body issues. I am perfectly fine with how I look, but after working hard to lose the stomach fat (it is dangerous for the heart hence it is good to reduce it, I am not chasing a six pack here), I am nowhere close. And, I realised a lot of it is because I do not like to do the ab exercises and also because of the kind of food I am eating. (and sleep pattern)

Now, I am a person of habit (as are most I guess). I want to train my brain to eat better and do those ab exercises, but if I think long term, I think it will be a failure. I overthink it and become lazy and overwhelmed. I believe this has been the main issue of not losing weight. 

So, I have decided that till 23rd of February (at least) I will only eat healthy food, will not eat out, or make or have junk food at home and will do regular exercises and yes that includes abs too. [I have to attend two events in between, I have to make exceptions for those two!!!]

I just have to last till 23rd. I have a feeling once it gets regular I will be okay. I have done this before; I just have to make sure not to stop this time. 

Well, good luck and I will make sure to check up on Me regularly. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weights, 3611 Steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
  • Snack: Chicken Sandwich, Momo, Orange, Aam Satta
  • Dinner: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Determined  

2017 Chapter II Section 3

Weigh-In Part 4

Well, I am super happy and super sad today, happy because I got a perfect score on my test. I am doing an online certificate in marketing and innovation from Stanford, and this is the first course I got a perfect score. I have been hovering in the early 90s for a while. So, yeah small joys of life! :) 

I am sad because this week has been a disaster exercise and food wise. I have not eaten right and not exercised well, and it shows in my weigh in today. 

I will just put my numbers in and call it a day and just try to enjoy the little success I got today. 

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK:

Date: 03/02/2017

Weight: 87.6 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 43.45 Kgs

Neck: 14.80 Inches
Shoulders: 48 Inches
Chest: 45 Inches
Waist: 44.20 Inches
Hips: 46.20 Inches
Bicep L: 13.20 Inches
Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
Bicep R: 12.70 Inches
Forearm: 9.8 Inches
Thigh L: 27.8 Inches
Calf L: 15.40 Inches
Thigh R: 28.2 Inches
Calf R: 14.70 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None. I had to run around a lot for some house work and then study! 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Fried Rice, Chicken Curry, Palak Paneer
  • Snack: Orange. Fried Rice, Chicken Curry
  • Dinner: Pizza from Domino's (Yes I did something this stupid today), Gingerale
• Study: Stanford
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Super Happy as I got the 100% on the course but super sad because of my weigh in! But, more happy than sad! :P Come on it's a perfect score! 

2017 Chapter I Section 27

WEIGH-IN PART 3

This week has been quite bad. I haven't followed any proper diet or exercise regime. I think at one point I couldn't even eat properly. I have had nightmarish sleep almost every day due to blocked nose and body aches. I actually do not remember most of what happened this week. 

I had a fever, bad cough and cold, heavy periods and now swollen tonsils. And, all of these together really did a number on me! I haven't been this ill for a while. 

I am much better now but extremely weak and have lost my appetite (which is a big deal for me, I live to eat!). I am eating so that I do not become any weaker. 

I honestly don't have any real numbers for today. But, since today is weigh-in day, I thought might as well do it. 

I am going to take rest for the next few days and make sure am back to normal health. I actually am missing my daily walks and interval training sessions. 

Anyway, hoping to recover soon.

Tata! 

[Note: Due to my swollen tonsils my neck measurements will be a lot more than what it should have been.]

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK: 

Date: 27/01/2017

Weight: 86.9 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 42.63 Kgs

Neck: 15.3 Inches
Shoulders: 45.7 Inches
Chest: 43.2 Inches
Waist: 43.7 Inches
Hips: 46.2 Inches
Bicep L: 13.20 Inches
Forearm L: 9.70 Inches
Bicep R: 12.60 Inches
Forearm: 9.80 Inches
Thigh L: 27.90 Inches
Calf L: 15.40 Inches
Thigh R: 27.40 Inches
Calf R: 14.90 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, cabbage
  • Snack: Biriyani (because that was all that was there and it tasted horrible to me)
  • Dinner: Soup
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Tired and so weak! :(

2017 Chapter I Section 20

WEIGH-IN PART 2

This week I have been a little better with my exercise. I tried to make sure I walked at least 4000 steps a day and put in 20 minutes of some other form of exercises like weight lifting or interval training. I even finished 10,000 steps on one of these days.

Food wise, it was not a good week. Neither has it been a good week of sleep. I am still having trouble with my sleep pattern, and it seems I get around 2.45 hours of sleep on average. This has been a lot less than what I should get or try to.  

I have noticed a direct link between my lack of sleep and overeating or eating the wrong things. So, I have to fix one thing to fix the other. -_-

So, that will be something I will have to get a check on. 

I have not lost any weight or do not see any significant changes in the loss of inches on my body, but there has been a decrease of Body Fat by 1% which makes me happy and hopeful.  

My periods have started again; I was told that due to the hormonal issues and the medicines I am taking, this might happen. Today the pain has been crippling. I was bedridden most of the day. 

I did try to walk around for a bit and did some household chores to keep my body moving. 

Well, here is hoping that I better my numbers next week! 

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK: 

Date: 20/01/2017

Weight: 87 Kgs
Body Fat: 51%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 42.63 Kgs

Neck: 14.90 Inches
Shoulders: 45 Inches
Chest: 44.10 Inches
Waist: 45.20 Inches
Hips: 46.50 Inches
Bicep L: 13.10 Inches
Forearm L: 10 Inches
Bicep R: 12.50 Inches 
Forearm: 9.50 Inches
Thigh L: 27.50 Inches
Calf L: 15.60 Inches
Thigh R: 27.60 Inches
Calf R: 14.90 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4768 Steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, Squash  and potato curry, Fish
  • Snack: Fruits
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti in Alfredo sauce (Homemade)
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Pain Saga continues, Stomach aches the most thanks to periods! Aiiyeeee :(

2017 Chapter I Section 13

Weigh-In Part 1

I am a ridiculously stubborn person. I know what is right for me, and I know the exact solution to many of my problems, but I do not follow them. I do not know, why!? 

Why Arunima, why, why are you like this? Why-why-why? 

So, anyway, I have decided that I need to be held responsible for my health. (Yes, that is how much I care about me, I need to be held accountable on a social platform or else I am just too lazy to take care! Ain't I the beacon of humankind?) 

This is, of course, for none, other than ME. But, apparently, this is the only way to get my brain to understand. I hope!

So, about 18 days back, I started my 'need to get fit' routine, but I haven't kept an account of anything much. So, I have decided to keep a tab on it from now on.
 
Fridays will be my 'weigh in' day. Last time I had measured was 18 days ago. Since then I have lost 2 kgs and 4% body fat. I have also lost a few inches from different parts of my body. Whoopee! :D

Though the progress is not that bad, I have not been able to get my food routine in control. More than often I eat things I am not supposed to and in quantities, I am not supposed to. 

I have been exercising almost every day, either walking or some form of cardio and, in between, also did some weights and interval training. But, they have been very Hodgepodge. 

I want to make it more regular and a little more planned. I do have a proper meal plan and an exercise plan which I had followed once earlier which were made by experts in the field (I mean a trainer and a dietician). 

I have even done my research and modified it to fit my current dietary requirements and exercise needs. I just need to follow it correctly! 

Well, here is to hoping my brain is reading this as I write it. (Yes, I think I am two persons in one, I contradict me more than anyone I have ever met.)

Anyway, these are the stats:

Date: 13/01/2017

• Weight: 87.1 Kgs
• Body Fat: 52%
• BMI: Obese Class 2
• Lean Mass: 41.81 Kgs
• Neck: 14.50 Inches
• Shoulders: 45 Inches
• Chest: 44.20 Inches
• Waist: 45.20 Inches
• Hips: 46.70 Inches
• Bicep L: 13.30 Inches
• Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
• Bicep R: 12.50 Inches 
• Forearm: 9.8 Inches
• Thigh L: 26.8 Inches
• Calf L: 15.70 Inches
• Thigh R: 27 Inches
• Calf R: 14.70 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Fitstar First Session,  4002 Steps.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I woke up at 11!!!!! 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Veggies. 
  • Snack: Pizza! (I am ashamed but all of us felt like having pizza)
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: Stanford. Half a module. 
• Read: None.
• Feeling: Started the day off feeling groggy and lost, now feeling more focused and happier. 

2017 Chapter I Section 3

Why do I do what I do?

Sometimes, I do not understand how my brain works! I mean, I was having a perfectly good day. I woke up on time. I started with the right foods. I was ready to do weights (I didn't in the end, my cramps got the better of me). I began studying on time. Then, suddenly as afternoon fell, I turned into a new human being! 

I am not joking. I felt like something possessed me. It is 18:02 IST and I am sitting in front of my laptop wondering why I did what I did in the last few hours! 

You must be wondering what this girl is talking about!? I am talking about food! I don't think I love food; I think I am addicted to it. Recently I have had this feeling more than once, that I might be a lot more dependent on food than I had initially thought. 

I have meant to make Patishapta for a while. It is a Bengali sweet dish which is like a mini roll made of rice crepes and a coconut and jaggery filling. I am not a big fan of sweets, but I wanted to learn how to make them. Just like that. 

Anyhu, not trying to brag or anything, but, oh man, they turned out much better than I had hoped. I think my mother also did not believe that they would taste so good. Anyway, I was nicely making them and promised myself that I would only eat one small one, to taste, you know! 

Here, I am after eating 3 of them, and none of them was small!!! And, to add to it, I made koraishutir kochuri (fried wheat tortillas with peas filling) and cabbage curry! And, ate that too! 

So, usually, I wouldn't have reacted much to this. I mean I made food, and I ate it. But, what got to me was, while I was eating I felt like it wasn't Me who was eating the food. Like I was momentarily possessed and then now I just remember the feeling of being full! 

I do not know if this makes any sense to you. I am pretty sure it doesn't. And, what is worse is, this is not the first time this has happened. I seem to eat unhealthy food in large amounts and have no memory of eating them. Somehow, my brain nicely erases these moments. 

One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging was to keep an honest account of my daily food consumption. Something I can go back to when I seem to be lying to myself that I ate well throughout the day and the reason I am not losing any weight is that I am just cursed!!! 

See, I have always had weight issues (I will talk more about it in the coming days). Either I was too thin or too fat. I mean seriously I was either unhealthily underweight or obese. I am the latter now! 

I do not want to lose weight in the hopes of being hot. No, I just want to be healthy. I am 28, and I want to start to take care. As it is I have many health issues, I do not want to add more to them.

So, this worries me a lot. That sometimes I sort of black out when I am in front of food. Something in me totally breaks down as the deliciousness beckons me. And, I do not know what to do! 

Sometimes, I eat, actually stuff myself, even when I am not hungry. Even when I am full to the brim, I would unconsciously keep eating. I sometimes feel this food addiction and the fact I was bullied in my childhood might be directly linked. Anyway, more on that at a later date. I feel mentally fatigued. I am very disappointed with me. I wanted to eat better, and I have already started failing. 

I think I will go and read something. Maybe that will help. 

Edit: 21:18 IST

I have lost my mind today. Out of sheer dumbness has been born my brain. I did not read or finish what I wanted to study. I walked around for a while though, but shamefully so my Pokemon egg would hatch! (facepalm) And, then I decided to have a simple salad but mom said oh no I made parathas so just finish them or they will go bad and so I had that with eggs! I mean Whyyyy? 

Maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself about not eating certain things and just encourage it to eat the right thing. Funnily enough I do eat my share of fruits and veggies and good protein every single day. But, some how end up over eating by eating some bad junk! 

Help! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 3500 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Left over Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber.
  • Snack: Super Drink, 3 Patishaptas, 2 koraishutir kochuri and cabbage curry.  
  • Dinner: Two parathas and egg bhurji
• Study: Stanford, one module. 
• Read: 20 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
• Feeling: Rather Disspointed with me.