2020 Chapter II Section 5

My favourite pose - Savasana!

So, today was day 1 of beginner’s yoga. And, it kicked my well-rounded ass.

When I was younger I used to go to yoga classes regularly. I used to run on a daily basis and was interested in gymnastics. In simple terms, I was an active child and was ridiculously flexible.

31 year old me can barely move without making a bone crackling sound. And, I do not think it knows the word flexibility anymore.

I partly blame my laziness and partly blame my chronic pain.

For a little background, as I turned 18 I started experiencing excruciating pain all over my body especially on my right shoulder, arm, wrist, and upper neck area. I have been to many doctors and have been diagnosed with everything they could think of. I have gone through every single treatment that these doctors prescribed, some were beneficial on a short term basis and some just made things worse.

Anyway, you must be wondering what does this have to do with Yoga? Ahhhh, yes…so somebody had told me that yoga is really good for those suffering from chronic pain and I decided to go back to that in my early 20s. Well, go back I did but it turned out the timing (and teacher) was horrible. Not only was I taking a bad concoction of pain medicines prescribed by the doctor (which made me woozy and extra sensitive on an emotional and physical level) but the teacher I found didn’t believe that there is anything called chronic pain or that I should ease into things. Oh no, she was a go-getter. Go hard or don’t go!

“This is all in your head, you are just being lazy and not pushing yourself harder.”

Push harder is what I did and of course, the results weren’t pretty. I was almost immediately put off by the idea of yoga. And, for a long time, I would try and avoid conversations about it either. I have a very close friend who is a yoga teacher now. I know the benefits that come with yoga but that one horrible experience had stopped me from going back to trying it out again.

That is till today when I decided something needed to be done.

I recently have gone on a serious “get fit” journey. I have been walking as much as I can every day and do high-intensity training. This month I started following a plan for HIIT on an app called Nike Training Club. I am truly enjoying their sessions. But, I realised that though my pain is under control my body has become super stiff.

I am not able to do many of the exercises because of that. Of course, I was not ready to admit defeat, so I started doing what I do best, research.

Guess what everyone says online and off, about how to become more flexible? Do yoga!

So, today I decided I have to overcome this unreasonable fear and just finish one session. I mean that’s all it takes to convince me I guess!

It started off super awkward and I could barely move. But, I quickly picked it up. It was like my body slowly remembered all these movements from back when I was a regular. I know I will sound corny, but I felt at peace.

Yes, it was a minuscule achievement but I felt so happy to have been able to get over this fear. Yoga is really good for people with chronic pain and by avoiding it, I was doing more harm.

I rate my session today a solid 5/10 but hey as they say “one day at a time!”

Namaste!

2018 Chapter I Section 15

Scared but Thankful! 

Yesterday was scary. I mean not the whole day, just how it ended. 

I finally got some sleep and woke up at noon, thinking, 'Today is the day'. Nope, I was wrong. 

I did my meal plans, cleaned the house and was in general excited about my sister coming back home. But, once evening rolled in, my neck started hurting a lot. It was hurting before but by now I am so used to pain, I ignore it, most of the time.

I have had years of pain. So, I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 18. I had gone to the right doctors or at least the ones I was told to. Recently after coming to Irvine, I have been going to a chiropractor for Subluxation and my pain, in general, seemed to have been under control, most of the time. 

But, sometimes I have days or nights when I can hardly move or even breathe. 

I have been under a lot of self-made stress recently and my anxiety levels have been very high. I haven't been exercising at all. And, I have a feeling all of this helped in my pain reaching a different level.

Now, I have a history of having these attacks which feel like my body spasms uncontrollably and they are very painful. I sometimes feel like my body mimics epileptic attacks. I have been to multiple neurologists, physiotherapists, chiropractors etc etc etc. My family has spent a fortune on me so we could understand what is wrong with my body. 

I have even been to a psychologist because I was told maybe my pain is psychosomatic. I have pretty much done everything possible in India. I even visited a pain clinic where I got these shots on my spinal cord which was the most painful experience in my life. But, we will keep that happy story for another day.

Currently, thanks to my chiropractor I have less pain and can go around living a normal life. Most people I meet feel I have pain because of my excess weight. But, I think most people do not understand how difficult it is for me to do anything because of the pain. 

Anyway, I digress. 

So, yes, about yesterday night. I could feel my neck swelling up and my head started hurting a lot. I immediately thought maybe it is because I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. But, then I remembered, I had my MCT oil drink which is quite heavy, a huge bowl of salad and 5 of my awesome meatballs (they are pretty big). So, it wasn't like I was completely on an empty stomach. 

It was around 7 pm. I called my friend, who lives nearby, to ask if she wanted to have pizza and we drove down to a pizza place close by to pick up our order. I was in a lot of pain by then and now that I think back, I should have come back home and rested. 

But, by then my sister had landed at the airport and my friend very generously offered to pick her up. The whole ride to and fro must have been only 45 mins. I was not even driving. But, by the end of it, I could feel my entire upper body getting horrible spasms. 

I hate making a fuss about me and especially when it comes to an invisible pain. I think I have had enough people tell me that I make this up for mere attention so I think now I do not talk about it much. 

Well, I should have. By the time, we reached home, I could hardly move. My lips had become numb. Now, that I am writing about it and remembering everything, I can feel the pain and the spasms again. I could hardly breathe. I had told myself if in an hour I do not feel better, it's time to call the ambulance or to rush to the emergency. 

The sad thing is, this is not the first time this has happened. Since I have come to Irvine in March 2017, I have had 4/5 of these attacks. I have already been to a doctor who honestly just didn't believe me and told me maybe I am reading things wrong. I felt quite defeated. I feel defeated. I do not know why this keeps happening. I am sick of going to hospitals. 

I wish I didn't always have to live in pain or fear or spasms. 

Yesterday was a very bad day but I am thankful that my sister was there. She had just come back home from a 10-day long work trip and instead of me making her feel at home, she was making sure, I was feeling fine. 

Thanks to my family and a few loving and understanding friends I have made it through all of these attacks and painful moments, but I am scared these are just going to get worse. 

I wish I had answers to what happens to me. I cannot describe to others, the constant pain that my body feels. I am generally a lazy person but a lot of the things that I really want to do, but I cannot is because of my constant pain. I know there are so many people out there who go through similar experiences or worse ones. I wish we could all be in a little bit less pain. 

I have appointments to meet new doctors including a neurologist to figure out why my body loves to give me so much pain. 

Maybe, one day when I am less in pain (or less lazy, I feel a lot of my recent 'laziness' has stemed out of the pain I feel while doing certain tasks), I will write about how this pain has changed me or how it affects me. Maybe someone will finally have some answers for me. 

Till, then I am scared of the pain and spasms but really thankful I have people to take care of me. 

Tata! 

2017 Chapter I Section 19

Pain: A Constant Friend

Today started off in the best way possible. I went for my morning walk, caught two rare Pokemon (Yes, that's important for me, go ahead judge if you wish to!!! :P), finished my French lesson, basically the morning routine was on point. 

Then, suddenly my back started aching a little. I decided to lie down for a bit, and I woke up after 4 hours with pain all over and fever. I could hardly move my right hand. Typing right now is bearable as I am lying down on my stomach on my bed. 

My fibro acts up sometimes, especially in cooler weather. But, today was a dreadful day. I think I was up for an hour or two in the afternoon, after which I passed out again. 

It's 22:26 IST right now and the last hour and half hours have been extremely painful. Every time I am breathing my right shoulder is paining, and there is a sharp pain in my right ear and also the right hand, and arm feels so weird. 

Sadly, this has happened to me more often than you would think. Hopefully, a good night's sleep should fix this. I hate taking painkillers. I have noticed weight training keeps the pain at a minimum, so I forced myself to do my 20-minute routine but no improvement yet. 

I will just call it a day and sleep. I am trying to keep my body warm and hoping the pain goes down. I hate days like these. 

Anyway, on that note, Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 6015 Steps.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Rice, Veggies, Dal
  • Lunch: Egg Mughlai Paratha 
  • Snack: Fruits
  • Dinner: Couscous Khichuri
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Pain, Pain, and more pain