2023 Chapter III Section VII

Doctors Galore

I am trying to take long breaths to calm myself and let myself feel the sense of relief I am feeling after weeks. Since the new year started, I have had a doctor’s appointment almost every single week. Sometimes it was the general doctor, sometimes the dentist, and of course, let us not forget the gynecologist.

Well, I am tired; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sadly I am not fully done yet, but at least the pace is slowing down now, with two doctor’s visits a month. I am not counting the physiotherapist.

I am not going into what and why I had to visit all of these doctors; I just want to share the relief I feel; now that most of the urgent appointments are done.

2023 is the year I am putting all my love and effort behind my health. I have done that before, but not with the determination I feel this year. I always remind myself, though it feels tough now, in the future, I will thank myself for putting in all the effort. So…let’s gooooo!

2023 Chapter III Section VI

Routines are important

I have been struggling with creating daily routines. I get into a flow and finally have routines, and then a slight change in plans happen like say two doctor’s appointment in the same week and voila, routines be damned. And it has not been great. I need routines to function. It gives me clarity, and knowing what comes next helps with my anxiety.

I used to be very detailed, but I have realised as long as I have the main to-dos created for the day/week and have a general idea of the workload, I can function well.

In my defense, the doctor’s appointments were needed; it was just unfortunate that I could not pace them out a little. I am trying to make sure I can avoid that in the future. I like my 9-5 work routine, so an appointment in between feels like such a big disruption. Then, I try to make up the time (no I do not have to, my company is super chilled about it but it is just me, I am the problem) and work extra on other days and then basically everything becomes chaotic. I KNOW not the biggest problems of life, but hey, these are my problems, and I just want to share them.

I still have a few more doctor’s visits scheduled throughout the year, but now I am trying to make it so that there aren’t too many in a month and then I can easily take those days off entirely and so creating a blessed structure again.

I also want to create a daily and weekly ‘me-time’ routine. I feel like I am a person who needs that to function. Nothing extraordinary. For example, I loved going for long walks in the mornings and evenings, outside, and then sitting on a bench and just watching people. Of course, with snow here, that becomes a bit tough now, but maybe I can find an alternative. I also love finding cute cafes and just chilling there. Or maybe, a daily morning tea time where I just sit and be.

I am trying to figure out what works for me now. I have always had little routines throughout, which has kept me anxious free and grounded, and focused. Of course, they get interrupted, but that is just life, right?

I actually started this blog for this precise reason, to share my mundane thoughts every day so my brain can feel lighter, like a pensieve. I haven’t been able to keep at it and can feel its bad effects. But, hey no better time than today eh?

I feel a sense of clarity spreading throughout, and I feel like routines will slowly be established. Yes, they will be disrupted, but the key is to always to go back to them. And, of course, keep the routines simple.

2023 Chapter II Section XXVIII

Two months down

I feel like time is flying by, yet it is moving so slowly. There are things I want to get done, and they require patience and Time. I want those to move faster. But, on the other hand, I want to savour every minute, every day, and I am unable to do so as time is flying by oh so quickly.

I won’t lie; the last few weeks have felt very overwhelming to me. It feels like so many things are in play, and I do not have enough time in the day.

Every day seems to be getting filled up with varied doctor’s appointments and work and house chores and and and. But then again, isn’t this what I was hoping for? Full days and routines bring me joy. I like knowing what’s next. Yes, it is overwhelming at first, but once you get used to it, it just becomes simpler and easier.

I want to get to that stage of comfort. But life doesn’t work like that; you cannot skip steps.

2023 is the year of all the pending doctor’s appointments, and trust there are plenty. Phew. But it must be done. This is my year of getting back my health. It started off fine, but February saw my doubts coming back. But we got this.

The new month starts tomorrow, a new beginning, right? Or is it just a continuation? I believe it is what I make it out to be. I will choose it to be a “new start.”

Yes, this is the year of putting health first. But, sometimes, with everything else going on, it is tough to remember the whats and whys.

So, let’s take a deep breath, and as we breathe out, let’s remember the task list, and instead of getting overwhelmed by it, let’s embrace it.

2022 Chapter VIII Section XXII

Can I please get a ‘Fresh Start’ in purple to go?

Here we go again. Another fresh start is about to start. And I feel truly excited about this one.

I recently listened to a podcast that mentioned a book (names of both elude me right now) where they talk about fresh starts. That it gives people a sense of beginning and hope. Fresh starts can happen at any given time and shouldn’t be restricted to certain times and places. But, some fresh starts can be obvious, like the beginning of a new year (heck even a week) or moving to a new place.

So, ding ding, I have recently moved to a completely new country where I barely know anyone.

I have been here for exactly 55 days now. I am in a new country, in a new apartment with new furniture, and yet I feel like I am continuing the same old patterns I wanted to leave behind. In the 55 days, I feel like I have made no progress. (It’s not true, but in my head, I feel so.)

I started thinking about it. Why is it that I feel like I am in a loop? It took me 55 days and a very bad period of pain episodes to finally understand the why.

I am still the same person following the same patterns, but there is an added element of confusion that has crept in. It seems I was so invested in the ‘moving’ part of the move that I didn’t think about the ‘what’s next.’ I mean, I did, but it was mostly very theoretical. I know what I need to or want to do next, but I do not have the how or the motivation to do it.

I really do not feel motivated. At all.

This really confused me. Somehow I thought the move would be the motivation I needed to do what’s next. But, no, I just feel so tired and relieved, but mostly so tired. Like the years of waiting for something, the constant anxiety, the constant thinking, “now what next” has finally caught up with me, and all I want to do is nothing.

Okay, to clarify, when I say nothing, I mean I will still continue with my freelance work (because of rent and food), but I do not feel like looking for that great job I have been thinking about for years now.

I want to go out and see my new city. Go to a museum and sit there the whole day. Walk for hours and discover new neighbourhoods. I have always loved walking, and that love is coming back slowly. I love listening to an audiobook or a podcast and just walking.

I mean, is it wrong to want to enjoy the moment I am in? I have worked hard and saved, and I feel I deserve to take it a little easier. I have even aggressively done the maths, I have enough saved up to go a few months without worrying or even depleting my savings too much. Shouldn’t I take the advantage that the past me has provided the current me?

The guilt that I feel every time I think about just doing ‘nothing’, has been quite demotivating. And, I feel lately my thoughts have become very jumbled and cluttered. This then leads me to think maybe I should take this ‘break’. I can create the routines that my anxious brain loves so much. I can go out and make some friends. But, then should I? Shouldn’t I be doing what all new immigrants do? Find a better job and better myself?

All these and more have led me not to feel the freshness of this fresh start that has been the BIG MOVE. I feel stagnant, and I feel guilty and and and. The same health issues continuing doesn’t make it feel any fresher either. It feels like it’s been a new bottle but the same old wine, a whiny me that is.

I think the problem isn’t with the freshness but with the start. I do not feel like starting anything. I want to bask in the warmth of one thing (the move) that has been successfully completed.

Maybe instead of thinking of this as a grand fresh start or just one fresh start, what if I break it down into smaller fresh starts, I feel like that will work. Right?

What if instead of, finding a new, good and high paying job, losing weight, starting routines, meeting new people, going to new places, etc., all at once, I simply break down each of these into tinier fresh starts?

• Fresh start #1 Walk every day, starting August 23rd, 2022.

• Fresh start #2 Go to an event/meet up once a week starting from first week of September.

You get the gist, right? I think that should work, right? Why does my fresh start have to be one grand image? It can be made of tiny pixels, of tiny fresh starts.

Here is to starting over, time and again, and to never giving up.

2022 Chapter I Section V

2022

A new year and the same me. This is the year of no resolutions or plans. This is the year I breathe easy and learn to live in the NOW. Of course, I am not going to be 100% chill, all the time, I mean come on, we are still talking about me. But, I will not worry so much about everything and everyone.

I mean honestly, what is the bloody point? None.

I have spent so much time worrying about things in the past, it is simply ridiculous to think about now. I have spent so much time sulking about people not giving me the attention I thought I deserved. But what was the end result? Nothing. I was the one getting hurt or wasting time of my limited lifetime.

I think about that a lot nowadays, how our days are numbered and this is the only life we get. I feel that has helped a lot in understanding the things and people I need to prioritise. No more chasing the people who cannot bother to call or text. No more waiting for things to happen. No more worrying about a future no one really can do anything about.

I control how I feel and act in the present and that is what I will do.

Yes, things will still whirl in my head and I will still get bothered when people I want to hang out, do not really bother much. But, I will not act passive-aggressive or be so affected by it as much. I mean just because I am thinking of someone, does not mean the other person has to.

2021 taught me how to be more present at the moment, it taught me to be more patient with myself and others. It also showed me that there are people who love me for who I am. And, I can love them for who they are. In 2022, I want more of that.

I do not know what this year will bring but I know one thing, I am ready for it. Not in an aggressive, muscle showing, “let’s go” way but more of a mild panda rolling from one side to the other way.

Happy New Year!

2020 Chapter III Section 23

Work from home - the new normal.

So, I had meant to write about this a few months ago. Since I have worked from home most of my professional life, I thought let me write about it. And, then life happened and I basically got lazy and kept postponing it.

That brings us to now. Well, hmmm…the world is going through something horrible. Truly horrible and many fortunate people are now going to be working from home for a period of prolonged time for maybe the first time in their lives.

(I say fortunate because if you are reading this and get to work from home, you are blessed and privileged and thank your lucky stars.) (also didn’t mean to make it sound like I am scolding you, just saying many are without jobs right now or they have to be out there defending the world so we get to stay home. okay I am done.)

Since I have championed this cause of the working from home to the T, I thought maybe I can share some of the tips and tricks that have kept me going. No, I am not an expert in anything, also no you do not have to agree or follow any of them, but if you like what I suggest and follow them and find some benefit let me know. You know, like, share, comment and subscribe. Oh wait, that’s not this. Nevermind.

Create a workspace.

That is not your bed or the couch or the floor. The best possible scenario is if you have a study table with a comfortable chair in a different room, that is not your bedroom. This way there is a distinct division in your head of a workspace. If that is not possible use your dining table. Be creative. But, seriously one of the biggest mistakes most first time work from homers make, they work from the bed.

When I had initially started working from home, I used to work from my bed. A lot. Though I had a table. It was used for keeping my snacks. I used to be sleepy most of the time, feel very little motivation and worst of all, I would stay put in that same position for hours, sometimes days. I would only get up to go to the bathroom, eat and shower. The days blended into each other and sometimes I lost track of time. You do not want that.

Stick to a routine.

This is very important, especially like me if you have odd work hours. I have worked remotely with American companies for years now and my work hours are usually at night. It is important you take the time and create a schedule for yourself. Umm…don’t be too ambitious. Keep it simple. We all know how much we really do in a day and stick to it as much as possible. Schedule in some ‘me’ time, social media time, workout time, and food time.

Take a bath and dress up.

Okay, I do not mean like dress fancy, but if wearing work clothes make you feel like there is still some normalcy in your life, do it. I know it sounds silly but we are creatures of habit. So, if you make an effort to look and feel different than you do normally, it will help feel like you are about to go on normally with your workday. Also, wearing pajamas and still working normally is an advanced work from home mode, you are not ready for it yet. Or, maybe you are. You decide.

Either way, the whole point is to trick your mind into thinking you are actually going to work. Pajamas are “house” clothes. Sometimes the uncomfortable jeans and shirts can make you feel like you are back in the office.

P.S. if you wear your workout clothes to work anyways, then carry on, my salutations to you. You are winning at life.

Allocate social time.

Be social. Just online. For now.

We live in a world where we can easily virtually socialise. Utilise it. Hey, I am talking to you, you the party animal. Yes, people can have a brilliant time while being social online. (Of course, don’t be a troll)

Make time to call a friend or a family member or talk to someone from one of those dating apps. I don’t judge. But, have specific times when you do that. You remember that routine I talked about before, yeah that’s where you schedule this in. It is important to make sure you do not go to that point in life where the walls are your best friend. Been there, done that. It wasn’t pretty.

Stare out the window, a lot.

Okay, maybe this is a ‘me’ thing. I love looking out my window or balcony. I love people watching and bird watching and sometimes cow watching and doggos, yes lots of doggos. Especially if I have been sitting in one place or working on the same task for too long, I like to take a quick 5 or 10 minutes to take a break where I stare out and see what’s happening in the world outside of my window. I know for city dwellers, it is a bit tougher since there isn’t much to look at. But, try and find a happy place. Also, it makes me feel less alone. I feel like there is so much life out there, doing their own things and I am part of this much bigger thing.

Log off on time.

This is something we should do all the time but we do not. Especially in India, I think almost all of us work extra hours we actually shouldn’t be. (Hey employers those extra hours don’t make or break anything, let people log off on time.) Also, those who think working extra hours means you are being more productive, ummm…no..if you cannot finish your work in 8 hours a day, you need to get more productive, buddy. (Here, I am only talking to those who shame others for finishing work on time or “early” and boast about working so much extra. Okay, so others relax)

Log off and make sure you do not log back in till it’s time for you too. Allocate specific times to check your work emails. Trust me it is very easy to think, okay I will just get this one thing done, it will take just 15 minutes to realise you have been working for 2 hours. This is where having a separate workspace comes handy. Log off, leave the room and you are done for the day.

EXERCISE. Or at least move.

Ahh…yes the nemesis. I avoid this as much as possible. Or, rather used to. Now, I try to incorporate some form of movement into my daily routine. It can be spot jogging or walking around the house or yoga or on really good days high-intensity workouts. There are plenty of workout routines on the interwebs, follow any one of them. And, make sure you schedule this in as well, especially before work if that works for you.

Okay, storytime. I was a lazy bum, I still am but less lazy-ish. So, yeah a few months ago I noticed that by the time it was time for my work hours to start (which was usually in the evenings) I was too tired, physically and mentally. So, someone suggested apples, apparently, they wake you up. No, they did not. I then started having coffee. Now, that was may have been the worst idea, because I immediately go to sleep after my work is over, so…the coffee would keep me up and then messed up my sleeping pattern. So, one day I decided to work out before starting work in an effort to see if that helps me feel motivated. Yes, it did. I felt happier, clearer and the lovely endorphins made me feel energetic and ready to tackle all the tasks. Since, then, l created mini workout sessions throughout my work hours. I try and do one big workout session just before starting work and then every 2-3 hours I spot jog for 10 minutes. It has made a huge difference. And, I am healthier as well.

Stay off social media while working.

Yes, this includes YouTube, Netflix, HULU, and Amazon Prime (you get the idea). Also, do not just sit on Bumble or Tinder or or or (oh man we have way too many apps nowadays) during your allocated work hours. I am not your boss but I can assure you, you will not get much work done. Humans cannot multi-task, no matter what the sci-fi movies say. In reality, we can only concentrate on one task at a time. Yes, many (including yours truly) can switch between tasks fast and easily but we switch, we do not do them all at the same time. So, basically stay off the phone till it’s time for you to socialise.

Create a kickass playlist.

Oh man, this one might be my favourite tip. I love to listen to music while I work. It helps me concentrate and lightens up the mood. (I sometimes listen to audiobooks as well, but that’s a topic for another day) Depending on my mood either they are fun dance numbers, ghazals or a mix-taped situation. I love to blast it loud and sing along. Yes, karaoke time at 2 in the morning. (I am so happy we have no neighbours or this would have been a big no no.)

Reach out

I get it humans are social animals, even for someone like me who rather stay in than go out, I go stir crazy sometimes. That one coffee outing a week or that grocery shopping time means a lot for me. So, if staying in is affecting you, reach out to someone. Be it someone personal or professional. Talk about what you are feeling. It is okay to do that. And, hey if I know you, reach out to me. If I don’t and you are reading this and need to talk to someone, email me. I do reply. Be nice and not creepy.

Be kind to yourself

The times are tough. So, if you mess up something it’s okay. It really is okay. Not only now but in life. It is more important to learn from mistakes than to be hard on yourself for making one. And, your feelings are valid.

When I started working from home it was because of an ailment. I was not able to physically go out and work and sustain it. It had taken a huge toll on my mental health. I kept thinking I was failing at life. It took me some time to realise that is not true.

It is not normal to switch from what we are used to, to something we are not familiar with. Most of us have hectic routines of daily commutes and socialising and and and. Suddenly being forced to stay inside and suddenly having so much time can be a shock to the system. So, the one advice I will give you is take your time to adjust. Speak out if this is affecting you. Share what’s on your mind. I know I talked about privilege in the beginning. Yes, being able to keep working and having a sense of security is a form of privilege but that doesn’t mean you cannot feel helpless or lost or angry or sad. There is too much happening around us. The news is scary. It is okay to feel so many things and more.

These are unprecedented times but this too shall pass. For now, we can be kind to each other, help out in whatever ways you think is possible and stay inside.

Oh and WASH YOUR HANDS. (moisturise as well, they must be bone dry by now)

2020 Chapter II Section 5

My favourite pose - Savasana!

So, today was day 1 of beginner’s yoga. And, it kicked my well-rounded ass.

When I was younger I used to go to yoga classes regularly. I used to run on a daily basis and was interested in gymnastics. In simple terms, I was an active child and was ridiculously flexible.

31 year old me can barely move without making a bone crackling sound. And, I do not think it knows the word flexibility anymore.

I partly blame my laziness and partly blame my chronic pain.

For a little background, as I turned 18 I started experiencing excruciating pain all over my body especially on my right shoulder, arm, wrist, and upper neck area. I have been to many doctors and have been diagnosed with everything they could think of. I have gone through every single treatment that these doctors prescribed, some were beneficial on a short term basis and some just made things worse.

Anyway, you must be wondering what does this have to do with Yoga? Ahhhh, yes…so somebody had told me that yoga is really good for those suffering from chronic pain and I decided to go back to that in my early 20s. Well, go back I did but it turned out the timing (and teacher) was horrible. Not only was I taking a bad concoction of pain medicines prescribed by the doctor (which made me woozy and extra sensitive on an emotional and physical level) but the teacher I found didn’t believe that there is anything called chronic pain or that I should ease into things. Oh no, she was a go-getter. Go hard or don’t go!

“This is all in your head, you are just being lazy and not pushing yourself harder.”

Push harder is what I did and of course, the results weren’t pretty. I was almost immediately put off by the idea of yoga. And, for a long time, I would try and avoid conversations about it either. I have a very close friend who is a yoga teacher now. I know the benefits that come with yoga but that one horrible experience had stopped me from going back to trying it out again.

That is till today when I decided something needed to be done.

I recently have gone on a serious “get fit” journey. I have been walking as much as I can every day and do high-intensity training. This month I started following a plan for HIIT on an app called Nike Training Club. I am truly enjoying their sessions. But, I realised that though my pain is under control my body has become super stiff.

I am not able to do many of the exercises because of that. Of course, I was not ready to admit defeat, so I started doing what I do best, research.

Guess what everyone says online and off, about how to become more flexible? Do yoga!

So, today I decided I have to overcome this unreasonable fear and just finish one session. I mean that’s all it takes to convince me I guess!

It started off super awkward and I could barely move. But, I quickly picked it up. It was like my body slowly remembered all these movements from back when I was a regular. I know I will sound corny, but I felt at peace.

Yes, it was a minuscule achievement but I felt so happy to have been able to get over this fear. Yoga is really good for people with chronic pain and by avoiding it, I was doing more harm.

I rate my session today a solid 5/10 but hey as they say “one day at a time!”

Namaste!

2020 Chapter I Section 15

Respect is earned.

This is something I truly believe. I cannot respect someone just because I am told to or because I am supposed to. Nope. No matter who you are, you need to earn my respect.

I do not care if you are related to me or older than I am or or or.

I know I am not really someone who is famous or important. My words shouldn’t mean much to many. But, I will stand by my principles. I cannot respect someone just because I must.

Respect is earned through actions, not words.

Words do not cost much. They can be bought and sold, but one’s action stands by them.

Does your action demand respect or earn it?

P.S. The two people I respect the most; my mother and sister. I just had to let the world know. :)

2020 Chapter I Section 13

Ideas vs. Laziness

I am lazy! OH YES! Sometimes I am too lazy for my own good.

I have great ideas (at least I think so) and they can be very ambitious at times. I am hard working as well. I will work hard and smart and will try to get something done.

Now, when these two meet, my lazy side wins. (Almost all the time)

That’s not great. I used to go through a lot of guilt because of that. I would feel bad that instead of working on my ‘amazing’ ideas, I just to lie on my bed and binge watch stuff (oh we will talk about that some other day, we just have to). I do not feel as guilty anymore. I mean ‘meh’ the world isn’t really missing out on much!

Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling great. I was ready to go out there (not literally, I was in my room most of the time, and before anyone says anything I work from home so I do not really need to leave my room much) and win the world.

The day even started off well. Wrote a lot. Working on a personal project and it is a lot of writing. I was feeling like “this is it man, today is my day”.

Then lunch happened. Mom had made ‘Posto Maach’. It translates to Fish cooked with poppy seeds. Yup, poppy seeds. Bengalis eat that a lot. And, it makes one sleepy. Sometimes super sleepy.

So, obviously being a good ‘bangali’ I decided to take a nap. The nap was supposed to be for an hour. Just an hour. Honestly I could have just walked it off but I decided that a nap would make more sense. Oh, so naive of me!

I wake up 4 hours later, frantically trying to remember where I am and what time it is. I had the most realistic and weirdest dreams ever. Half of the time I kept thinking I forgot to finish my work (no I haven’t). It was just plain weird.

Anyway, I wake up and realise I have lost the time I had allocated for my personal project. Bummer.

Anyway, the point is this is not the first time it has happened. I mean okay I can say today was due to ‘em poppy seeds. But, sometimes I just sit and stare, and do nothing.

I almost always have plans chalked out. I love to plan and have to-do lists. I love to chalk out the different steps. I love to do my research and make sure I am ready to go when the time comes. But nope, when the time does come, I sit there and stare.I have had ideas for years that I have all the steps ready for but have done nothing with them.

Why? Why why why? I mean planning or the work is work as well. Maybe my brain thinks “oh you have worked so much, now chill.” Maybe that’s the problem. Sigh!

I know I am not the only one who does that and that this is quite common. But, my ambitious side with the 100001 ideas gets very annoyed with the lazy one. I try to stay neutral. I mean I want to work on amazing things and also do nothing at all.

Chapter I Section 9

Well hello there.

Yeah, that’s all I had to say today!

Have a great day!