2021 Chapter XI Section 3

I went for a walk

I have been yo-yo-ing a lot with my weight. I lose a couple, I gain more back. I get into the zone and then suddenly there is no zone in sight. This has been happening for a couple of years now. I have tried a dietician, talked to a therapist, got a personal trainer, got fancy watches and shoes, and whatnot.

Every now and then I suddenly have a burst of energy and I am able to do what I plan to. I wake up early, go for that morning run, I work out 3-5 times a week, HIIT and what not. I even follow fun diets and not-so-fun ones. I try to be strict and lenient and everything in between. I reward myself or give myself those days off. But, work hard on the others.

Yet, it is November 2021 and I am 98.3kgs. Mind you I am barely 154 cms. So, yes I am not healthy right now. And, no I am not fat-shaming myself. I LOVE my body. I love the way I look and feel. But, I have developed a lot of health issues in the past few years which are directly related to my weight gain. I am pre-diabetic (it anyway runs in my family with a plethora of other things I am praying I do not ever get) and I am worried.

I was able to lose 30+ kgs of weight before and I know everything there is to lose it again. (both weight gain stories are for another day, focus man) I need to. I want to. But. But what is it? Why is it so difficult this time? Why am I struggling so much? Is the hormone medicines I am having that affect my mood, my weight, my almost everything? Is it 2020 and all its evil? (I know it’s gone but hey the after effects are still there.) Is it the fact that I am an emotional eater and I have too many emotions right now? What is it?

Honestly, I do not have an answer. I guess somewhere I know I may not find the answer. And, you know what, that is okay. I just need to forget the “should haves” and “could haves” and just start again. I will keep starting again as many times as I need to because I know deep down I am getting closer. This time actually might be it. Am I being delusional? Maybe. But, maybe this time is the one.

I am not chasing an unreasonable target or having an unattainable goal. I know myself well and my body and how much it is capable of. I just want to make sure it is not in pain and that every time I walk I do not break into a sweat and feel like this is it, my heart will give up on me this time. I do not want six pack abs or a beach body. I simply aspire to have a body that can function well.

Anyway, so all these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. And, so on Monday 1st November 2021, I woke up at 5 in the morning and just went for a walk. It was a struggle, oh trust me, it was. And, then I went the next morning and the next. That’s all I want to do this time. Just wake up and do the things I feel like doing. For 7 days in a row I have been dancing for 15 - 20 minutes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to move my body like no one is watching.

Yes, I still have my trainer. My plan is to push him to push me to get uncomfortable (not too much, I mean, come on now) because when I get uncomfortable I fight back and I rise.

Food is my best friend and my worst enemy (so much I want to say here but that is for another day). I have decided to let food be for now. I try not to overindulge at every opportunity but also not deprive myself of small joys here and there.

This may just have been a rambling without an actual point, all I really wanted to say, I went for a walk and I loved it.

Current weight: 98.2 kgs

Current fitness level: -2

2020 Chapter I Section 7

I think about food. A lot.

Well, to be fair I am a Bengali human person. As the stereotype goes, we love to eat, think about what we eat and talk about what we eat. Food is a big part of our identity. At least I can say it is definitely part of mine. I am a foodie through and through. (My dream is to be able to travel as much as possible and experience local cuisines all over the world. I believe food says a lot about who we are.)

However, I had always had a love-hate relationship with food. That is, I love food but it doesn’t seem to love me back. There are so many things that I cannot eat without breaking into hives or falling sick. Why food why? Why do you not love me as I love thee?

And, of course, we have to talk about food and my weight. As a kid, I was extremely underweight. So, of course, everyone assumed I didn’t eat enough. Now, I am overweight so obviously I must be stuffing my face with ‘junk food’ all the time. That’s how it works, didn’t you know?

I will not lie, these weird assumptions and being told to either gain or lose weight affected me a lot. As if my identity relied on that one thing: Am I thin or fat? (I am happy to report I do not care about any of it anymore. My priority is to be healthy, fit and happy. Unless you are directly involved in enriching my life, your opinion matters to me, as much as the foods I am allergic to do; I will look at you, see you but instantly ignore you.)

I think the biggest culprits are our relatives. No matter if they are seeing me after a decade or for the first time since I was born, the first thing they would say “Ebaba ki mota hoe gachis? Ektu kom kha ar gym kor.” (“Oh my, look how fat you have gotten? Eat a little less and go to the gym.”)

Umm…how do these aunts and uncles always seem to know how much I am eating or if I go to the gym or not without actually being in my life? Wow, they must have the sixth sense that M. Night Shyamalan was talking about and something I do not possess. They see fat people and know exactly what they eat and how much activity they get.

I can actually talk about this for days, even months. But, the point is that these unwarranted comments affected me and I developed weird eating habits. I like many others, villanised food. I thought thinking about food means I have an addiction to food. For a while, I truly believed that I had an eating disorder. I even got professional help for it just to be told, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, don’t cut out the foods, cut out the toxic people from your life.”

Being a good patient, I followed my doctor’s orders and did as was I told. I am happy to report I am currently missing a few relatives and old friends from my life but I gained a true love and appreciation for food and all its beauty.

I will be honest, I am not a person who can go on ‘diets’. I cannot do ‘calorie deficit’ and all the jazzy things out there. I need to feel satisfied with what I am having.

The one thing I can do is follow easy and simple rules. If I am told not to do something, I can easily do that. It has taken me years but now I understand which foods make me happy and are also healthy for me. I cannot just eat to sustain, I need to love what I am eating. But, I also do not want to eat and make myself sick either

I like to think about what I eat, I like to meal prep and I love to cook. (It pays off that I am a decent cook, well I like my own food and for now that all that matters.) I love to learn about the ingredients I am using and I like to be aware of the foods I am putting in my body.

I have noticed I love to plan out what I will eat in a day before the day starts. I do not always follow them perfectly but it helps me to make sure I am getting enough nutrients and also get to eat what I want to.

Maybe to some, it seems restrictive and to others it is discipline. I just know it helps me to enjoy my food.

P.S. I have so many more things I want to talk about, on the topic of food, maybe I will do so in the coming days. As I said I do think about food a lot and the impact it has on me, my health and even the world, because of course what we eat does affect everything around us as well. But, maybe that’s a topic for another day.

2017 Chapter I Section 15

A Lazy Crazy Day

I stayed true to the day, Sunday, by doing nothing! :D

I woke up, cooked, ate and slept a lot! Yes, a very good day indeed! 

My mother has been asking me to cook Biriyani for a while, so I thought today was the perfect day for it. I made Mutton Biriyani and Chicken Butter Masala! (Recipes coming up soon)

It was really good! Hey, I have to compliment if it's good right? Even if it means tooting my own horn! :P 

Anyway, I end this lazy day by being lazier and sharing the picture of our lunch! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 970 steps  

• Food:

  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Salad, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti (All homemade except the sweets)
  • Snack: None
  • Dinner: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti 
• Study: None, who studies on a Sunday!!!
• Read: None
• Feeling: Lazy and happy