I went for a walk
I have been yo-yo-ing a lot with my weight. I lose a couple, I gain more back. I get into the zone and then suddenly there is no zone in sight. This has been happening for a couple of years now. I have tried a dietician, talked to a therapist, got a personal trainer, got fancy watches and shoes, and whatnot.
Every now and then I suddenly have a burst of energy and I am able to do what I plan to. I wake up early, go for that morning run, I work out 3-5 times a week, HIIT and what not. I even follow fun diets and not-so-fun ones. I try to be strict and lenient and everything in between. I reward myself or give myself those days off. But, work hard on the others.
Yet, it is November 2021 and I am 98.3kgs. Mind you I am barely 154 cms. So, yes I am not healthy right now. And, no I am not fat-shaming myself. I LOVE my body. I love the way I look and feel. But, I have developed a lot of health issues in the past few years which are directly related to my weight gain. I am pre-diabetic (it anyway runs in my family with a plethora of other things I am praying I do not ever get) and I am worried.
I was able to lose 30+ kgs of weight before and I know everything there is to lose it again. (both weight gain stories are for another day, focus man) I need to. I want to. But. But what is it? Why is it so difficult this time? Why am I struggling so much? Is the hormone medicines I am having that affect my mood, my weight, my almost everything? Is it 2020 and all its evil? (I know it’s gone but hey the after effects are still there.) Is it the fact that I am an emotional eater and I have too many emotions right now? What is it?
Honestly, I do not have an answer. I guess somewhere I know I may not find the answer. And, you know what, that is okay. I just need to forget the “should haves” and “could haves” and just start again. I will keep starting again as many times as I need to because I know deep down I am getting closer. This time actually might be it. Am I being delusional? Maybe. But, maybe this time is the one.
I am not chasing an unreasonable target or having an unattainable goal. I know myself well and my body and how much it is capable of. I just want to make sure it is not in pain and that every time I walk I do not break into a sweat and feel like this is it, my heart will give up on me this time. I do not want six pack abs or a beach body. I simply aspire to have a body that can function well.
Anyway, so all these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. And, so on Monday 1st November 2021, I woke up at 5 in the morning and just went for a walk. It was a struggle, oh trust me, it was. And, then I went the next morning and the next. That’s all I want to do this time. Just wake up and do the things I feel like doing. For 7 days in a row I have been dancing for 15 - 20 minutes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to move my body like no one is watching.
Yes, I still have my trainer. My plan is to push him to push me to get uncomfortable (not too much, I mean, come on now) because when I get uncomfortable I fight back and I rise.
Food is my best friend and my worst enemy (so much I want to say here but that is for another day). I have decided to let food be for now. I try not to overindulge at every opportunity but also not deprive myself of small joys here and there.
This may just have been a rambling without an actual point, all I really wanted to say, I went for a walk and I loved it.
Current weight: 98.2 kgs
Current fitness level: -2