2021 Chapter XI Section 3

I went for a walk

I have been yo-yo-ing a lot with my weight. I lose a couple, I gain more back. I get into the zone and then suddenly there is no zone in sight. This has been happening for a couple of years now. I have tried a dietician, talked to a therapist, got a personal trainer, got fancy watches and shoes, and whatnot.

Every now and then I suddenly have a burst of energy and I am able to do what I plan to. I wake up early, go for that morning run, I work out 3-5 times a week, HIIT and what not. I even follow fun diets and not-so-fun ones. I try to be strict and lenient and everything in between. I reward myself or give myself those days off. But, work hard on the others.

Yet, it is November 2021 and I am 98.3kgs. Mind you I am barely 154 cms. So, yes I am not healthy right now. And, no I am not fat-shaming myself. I LOVE my body. I love the way I look and feel. But, I have developed a lot of health issues in the past few years which are directly related to my weight gain. I am pre-diabetic (it anyway runs in my family with a plethora of other things I am praying I do not ever get) and I am worried.

I was able to lose 30+ kgs of weight before and I know everything there is to lose it again. (both weight gain stories are for another day, focus man) I need to. I want to. But. But what is it? Why is it so difficult this time? Why am I struggling so much? Is the hormone medicines I am having that affect my mood, my weight, my almost everything? Is it 2020 and all its evil? (I know it’s gone but hey the after effects are still there.) Is it the fact that I am an emotional eater and I have too many emotions right now? What is it?

Honestly, I do not have an answer. I guess somewhere I know I may not find the answer. And, you know what, that is okay. I just need to forget the “should haves” and “could haves” and just start again. I will keep starting again as many times as I need to because I know deep down I am getting closer. This time actually might be it. Am I being delusional? Maybe. But, maybe this time is the one.

I am not chasing an unreasonable target or having an unattainable goal. I know myself well and my body and how much it is capable of. I just want to make sure it is not in pain and that every time I walk I do not break into a sweat and feel like this is it, my heart will give up on me this time. I do not want six pack abs or a beach body. I simply aspire to have a body that can function well.

Anyway, so all these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. And, so on Monday 1st November 2021, I woke up at 5 in the morning and just went for a walk. It was a struggle, oh trust me, it was. And, then I went the next morning and the next. That’s all I want to do this time. Just wake up and do the things I feel like doing. For 7 days in a row I have been dancing for 15 - 20 minutes. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to move my body like no one is watching.

Yes, I still have my trainer. My plan is to push him to push me to get uncomfortable (not too much, I mean, come on now) because when I get uncomfortable I fight back and I rise.

Food is my best friend and my worst enemy (so much I want to say here but that is for another day). I have decided to let food be for now. I try not to overindulge at every opportunity but also not deprive myself of small joys here and there.

This may just have been a rambling without an actual point, all I really wanted to say, I went for a walk and I loved it.

Current weight: 98.2 kgs

Current fitness level: -2

2017 Chapter VII Section 26

Of What Was and What Could Have Been!

[Technically It's the 26th, but I have something else planned for that day, so here goes, enjoy, my invisible blog reader!] 

Of course the minute I decided I need to go back to being regular with my blog and life, my health hit me hard. There was nothing new in the thing that happened, the same old pain in the back, couldn't move, pain in the body, prolonged periods, you know the drill by now. I became an emotional mess thinking there is no escaping this loop. This is a part of my life now and the best thing to do is accept it and move on. 

Thanks to my back pain I was barely mobile for a week, then it took another to bounce back completely. And in the mean time, my never ending periods gave me company. And, before you say anything, I am going to all the right doctors and doing everything money allows you to do. These are small annoying health issues which honestly seems to have no permanent solutions. But, one must go on. 

Last week another thing happened which made me breakdown. Chester Bennington from Linkin Park passed away. I have never met him but his voice, his music has been a huge part of my life. My childhood was riddled with bullying and I used to go through bouts of depression. I do not think my family realized to what extent. For me listening to Linkin Park's music was an escape from reality into the world I wanted to build around me. The words from their songs resonated with me. I know this is the truth for many on earth but for me, it felt special. I didn't realize how much I was affected by the sad news, till I sat down and had a small breakdown. I think this news coupled with my already broken health had built up into an emotional ball of pure tears. Chester, your voice will always remain a guardian angel to me. 

It's 3:42 am and I cannot stop my brain from thinking. I am thinking of my past, the people I have left behind, memories of a time that is gone; the good, the bad, the ugly. I feel so weak yet strong at the same time. I do not know if I am making any sense but I wrote something to clear the thoughts from my brain. I will post that tomorrow. For now, I will try to go to sleep. I have an extremely long day tomorrow. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: HIIT (Soco) (Finally after two weeks)
• Food: 
  • Pre-Workout: None
  • Post-Workout: None
  • Lunch: In N Out!  
  • Snack: Peanut butter and Jam sandwich  
  • Dinner: Pasta  
• Study: UCI.
• Read: Zero to One
• Feeling: Too many thoughts. 

2017 Chapter I Section 7

A week in review

2:58 IST, I just watched a video about writer John Green go through some intense gym routines in his 100 days challenge, and I felt like my challenge isn't off to a good start. 

I haven't lost any weight or inches (which is fine), and in general, I have been highly indisciplined in my food and exercise schedule. I have eaten a lot of white bread and parathas, etc. Things I shouldn't be eating at all. 

I have started walking more, mostly thanks to Pokemon Go, but they are neither consistent in the distance nor regular. I haven't done a single day of weight training or heavy cardio! 

I thought today would be the day, I sit and positively review my first week's progress. Disappointing. 

I am scolding myself, of course! Do I have any other choice currently? 

And, my sleep pattern. Oh, sweet lord, it is not okay, evidently, since I am awake and writing this at 3 in the morning! 

I know I have been worried in life about things and stuff, but that doesn't mean I do not do the simple tasks that will lead me to a better healthy life. 

Let me try and sleep. My brain has to think of every worry in the world, right now. Sheesh. I am dealing with a child here. 

21:32 IST, well, the rest of the day wasn't a complete waste. I did go out to walk a bit. And, I was a good girl and did not eat any of the bad foods. 
I need to inspire me more. I feel like I am letting my worried head get the better of me. I need to calm it down and just go for it. 

I need to stick to my schedule better. I know when I do that, my worrying nature calms down a lot. I have mild OCD and have realised exercising and following a set routine makes me feel better. 

Well, I end today's blog, hoping for a more productive next week. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 2357 steps 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Aloo Posto, Rajma
  • Snack: Super Drink, a bit of churmur
  • Dinner: Palak chicken roll in a oats based roti 
• Study: Stanford Certificate. Finished an assignment
• Read: None
• Feeling: Happy, looking forward to Sunday