2017 Chapter I Section 6

Blast from the Past! 

OH MY GOD! What a fantastic day it was! I did not think my day would end this way! I love it. 

I met my childhood friend, my sister from another mother, after 10 Years! 10 YEARS! And, the best part, nothing has changed. We are still the same crazy kids we used to be. 

Due to circumstances and life and long distances between us, we had fallen apart for a while. But, today it felt like nothing has changed as if life had stood still for us. 

We became friends when I was 13, and we are inseparable. She is older than I am but that never was an issue for us. 

As a kid, I didn't have a lot of friends. We lived in the same neighbourhood and to be honest I somehow never really fit in with others. 

I used to go for English classes to her mother's house, and that's how we met. I always thought we were cool kids. We talked about everything under the sun. From books to boys to nothing at all. 

What I loved about our friendship was we were very different, yet somewhere we were the same person. 

Her house was on the next street to mine, so I used to spend most of my time after school at her house. 

Every day, even on days when I did not have my English classes with her mother, I would show up at her doorsteps. Then, we would go for long walks to chat. We would walk for hours, yes hours. We had a particular route we would follow. And, every day it ended with getting 'papri chat' at our favourite 'Chaat' guy at this local shopping mall area, Dakhsinapan. 

It was my daily routine. These walks are some of my fondest memories of my childhood. 

She moved to Bangalore to study and then I moved to Pune for my Master's and somewhere in between, not sure exactly when, we stopped talking every day. 

It wasn't like we entirely stopped talking, but we somehow fell apart. I never did feel like I lost a friend, though. I always knew she was there. 

Somehow in the past ten years, we were never in the same city at the same time. And, then, life happened to us both. So, all this took us away from each other. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I cannot be happier for this one day. I felt like we were those two young kids, roaming around, talking our hearts out and just loving life as it is. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 4117 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Boiled egg and bread 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish 
  • Snack: Biriyani!!! (Was outside and got super hungry)
  • Dinner: Palak Chicken and two rotis. 
• Study: 30 mins of French 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Ecstatic!! :D Cannot stop smiling.  

2017 Chapter I Section 5

The Day I did Nothing!

Maybe it is because of my non-stop periods for over 20 days or maybe it's the weather or maybe I am depressed or maybe, just maybe because I am plain lazy, but today I just did not feel like doing anything. 

[Note to self: I think it's becoming an everyday thing. Need to keep a check on it. *Insert thoughtful smiley*]

Anyway, the day started off in the laziest fashion possible. There was a nice breeze in the morning, and everything felt new and fresh. I felt like going on a picnic. But, I settled for a good breakfast. 

After reading and finishing my French lessons, I had planned to study, but my mind kept wondering off. I decided to spend some time chatting with my mother. She and I though had a rocky start (I mean my birth and us not being that close in my childhood) but now I consider her to be one of my closest friends and confidants. 

She was telling me about a Bengali film, Bomkyesh Bakshi and how it was quite good and I should watch it before it leaves the theaters. She had already seen it with my father, so I had to go alone. 

Going for the film alone, turned out to be a good decision. Not only did I enjoy some 'me' time, but it also gave a lot of time to observe others. 

I call myself an "artful voyeur" (Did you guess the reference? No, don't google please, come on). No, I do not take any perverse pleasure in looking at others, but I do love to observe people. Their movements and gestures and how they talk and interact with each other. 

I am not sure when I started doing that, but I love to sit in one place while the world does its thing around me. I like to be a "fly on the wall". 

With technology abound, this has become less of a practice nowadays. And, if I go out with others, I do pay more attention to the person with me, than the ones without. 

While I observe, I try not to pry into anyone's personal matters. It is of no interest to me, and no I do not sit and stare at people. I just like to imagine what lives they lead. I feel like there must be a story everywhere. 

Like, today after the film got over, I decided to sit at a coffee shop and catch up on my daily dose of Pokemon Go (I am at level 14 and feel quite stupidly happy about it). While waiting for Pokemon to show up, I noticed two young girls sitting at the opposite table to mine. 

They seemed to be in college, and they were having an intense conversation. One girl was talking quite animatedly and looked quite worked up about something, and the other one was timidly and quietly listening to everything that was being said. 

Now, I obviously do not know what they were talking about, but my mind immediately made up a story about them. 

Story: The timid girl has a cheating boyfriend, and she has finally caught him red handed. The angry girl is telling her to break up with him as he is not worth her time. He is a bad person and hurting her, and she needs to see that. The timid girl is obviously in love with him and cannot easily break up with him, and so she is feeling rather sad about the inevitable decision. The angry girl realises that and is trying to encourage her friend. 

[Note to self: I think this is too mainstream, Nah, that's not what had happened. Too Bollywoodish.]

Story 2: The timid girl has lied to her friend about something, and the angry girl has gotten to know about it. She is now angry and... (Sorry, Pokemon break)

Oh yaaayeee a Pinser, woah it has 789 CP, must catch it!!! 

Yes, caught it! Oh wait, where was I? By the time, I looked up; both the girls looked happy, and I didn't feel like going back to the sad backstory. 

I then got distracted for the next 5-7 minutes because my Lure Module had worked and there was quite a few Pokemon roaming around the coffee shop. Conveniently the Poke Stop was just a few steps away from the cafe. :D 

My mother had told me to get some 'churmur' while coming back. So, I advanced towards the 'Puchka' guy and placed my order. I waited impatiently looking for a new Pokemon while a girl and boy finished their rounds of 'puchkas'. They were talking about how lucky they are; they hit upon a Poke Stop with a Lure Module. 

No, I wasn't eavesdropping, they were just loud and close enough for me to overhear! -_-

I smirked to myself and thought, 'yeah, that's because of me, you can thank me later.' They seemed quite jubilant. I thought, 'ahhh must have caught some good ones'. 

I was about to go on another of my dream sequences when the 'Puchkawala' handed over my order. 

I decided to take the longer route home. I enjoyed walking in the garden/jogger's path in our housing complex. It was mildly cool weather, and the distant laughs of children playing mixed with the sweet smell of the winter flowers made me feel light and uplifted. I felt like a child again, full of wonder and excitement. 

[Note to self: I should start walking again.]

Though I didn't do a single thing I had planned to and ordinarily this would make me feel disappointed, yet today I end this day on a high note. I feel like my mind feels broader and oddly more focused. 

I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 4750 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Boiled egg 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal 
  • Snack: Popcorn ( a little bit at the movies, I mostly got it back for Ma), coffee, Cheese toastie. (one bread)
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: 30 mins of French 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Quite Happy and pleasant  

2017 Chapter I Section 4

How did I get here? 

14:56 IST, I just had a long heart to heart with my sister and realised something. I knew this for a while now, but, today I understood. I am broken. I mean it. 

What I mean by that is, I am not who I used to be. I know what you are thinking, wait, Arunima everyone changes. No,  I don't mean that way. I mean there were some basic good things in me, which, at least for now are not there anymore. 

One of the things I used to pride in me, was the fact that I was always very empathetic towards others. I could feel what others felt and sometimes feel before others could even reach there. (Okay, this could have been an imagination of mine, but, I honestly have had enough people tell me that they could easily open up to me, because I understand. So, taking from that note, I feel like I might have been an empathetic listener.) 

But, lately, I do not feel anything. A friend recently told me that he met with an accident. It was nothing major, and he is perfectly fine. But, still it was quite a close one. Earlier I would have reacted a lot. I would have scolded him (for reasons unknown to humankind) or been emotional in general. Or, at least I would have reacted in some way or the other. 

But, this time when he told me, my only thought was....BLANK. I felt nothing. I thought of nothing. My exact response was 'Okay'. This surprised him. It surprised me too. I could not believe how I did not feel anything. For a moment I switched off and started thinking of something completely unrelated and definitely unimportant. 

I don't know if it was because he and I have been fighting for a while and he stopped talking to me (reasons he also doesn't know) or because in general, I have stopped feeling much. 

This happened again when another friend was telling me about something in her life, and I switched off. I didn't want to know, and in all honesty, I didn't care. Now, this friend of mine has been very close to my heart for the past few years. And, when she went through a bad phase I felt as if my heart was going through those pains. 

She and I also had a falling out, well, she decided she needed some time off, especially from me and we stopped talking. She was the one who started talking again. Honestly, I got used to not talking to her. (We used to talk every single day.) 

Maybe, it's a one of thing, I mean I did have major fights with them and both of them did stop talking to me and I wasn't the primary person of blame in either! Maybe, that's it. Maybe, the fact that I felt rather betrayed by them has put me off them, and hence I don't empathise with them. I am not sure if I sympathise either! 

Am I thinking too much about this? People have told me before about this. Maybe, I am. Maybe,  I am just trying to analyse this. Because to be honest, empathising with others, feeling for others is one of the only things I loved about me. If that goes, I do not know if I am a good person anymore! 

Food for thought, eh? 

Funny, I thought today I would talk about food addiction or something related to food. But, here I am talking about emotions. 

21:15 IST, I felt horrible the whole day. My pain (Fibromyalgia) was making sure I was having a terrible day. My periods, which have been on for 21 days now, is adding to this misery. So, I thought going to a movie might cheer me up. Saw a Bengali movie about a detective, Kiriti Roy. It was all right. I might do a movie review on it soon. Anyway, intelligent being that I am, I did not carry any fruits as I had intended to and got super hungry while watching the movie. And, so, ended up having a sandwich! :( 

I don't think my diet is going that well. I am trying to more healthy but till now every day I have ended up eating something I didn't want to! -_-

Anyway, now I am back home. My back is killing me. My stomach is aching, and my head hurts. I might just go to sleep now and think about the movie a bit more. Oh, yeah I tend to do that with books and films and series, etc., a lot. 

The bright spot of the day was I caught three new Pokemon (yes, I am playing Pokemon Go, and I am not ashamed of it) and one of them was a rare one! :) It came from nowhere in the parking of the mall. Also, three of the eggs hatched. That made me a happier than I had hoped to be! :) 

Anyway, on that note, I am signing out for today. Good Night/Day/Afternoon/Evening! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 3500 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Spaghetti in Simple Marinara sauce  
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber
  • Snack: Super Drink, Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Cheese and Chicken Nugget
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: 30 mins of French. 
• Read: 30-40 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
• Feeling: A severe headache the whole day. Been bleeding like crazy (periods). Feeling utterly weak. 

2017 Chapter I Section 3

Why do I do what I do?

Sometimes, I do not understand how my brain works! I mean, I was having a perfectly good day. I woke up on time. I started with the right foods. I was ready to do weights (I didn't in the end, my cramps got the better of me). I began studying on time. Then, suddenly as afternoon fell, I turned into a new human being! 

I am not joking. I felt like something possessed me. It is 18:02 IST and I am sitting in front of my laptop wondering why I did what I did in the last few hours! 

You must be wondering what this girl is talking about!? I am talking about food! I don't think I love food; I think I am addicted to it. Recently I have had this feeling more than once, that I might be a lot more dependent on food than I had initially thought. 

I have meant to make Patishapta for a while. It is a Bengali sweet dish which is like a mini roll made of rice crepes and a coconut and jaggery filling. I am not a big fan of sweets, but I wanted to learn how to make them. Just like that. 

Anyhu, not trying to brag or anything, but, oh man, they turned out much better than I had hoped. I think my mother also did not believe that they would taste so good. Anyway, I was nicely making them and promised myself that I would only eat one small one, to taste, you know! 

Here, I am after eating 3 of them, and none of them was small!!! And, to add to it, I made koraishutir kochuri (fried wheat tortillas with peas filling) and cabbage curry! And, ate that too! 

So, usually, I wouldn't have reacted much to this. I mean I made food, and I ate it. But, what got to me was, while I was eating I felt like it wasn't Me who was eating the food. Like I was momentarily possessed and then now I just remember the feeling of being full! 

I do not know if this makes any sense to you. I am pretty sure it doesn't. And, what is worse is, this is not the first time this has happened. I seem to eat unhealthy food in large amounts and have no memory of eating them. Somehow, my brain nicely erases these moments. 

One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging was to keep an honest account of my daily food consumption. Something I can go back to when I seem to be lying to myself that I ate well throughout the day and the reason I am not losing any weight is that I am just cursed!!! 

See, I have always had weight issues (I will talk more about it in the coming days). Either I was too thin or too fat. I mean seriously I was either unhealthily underweight or obese. I am the latter now! 

I do not want to lose weight in the hopes of being hot. No, I just want to be healthy. I am 28, and I want to start to take care. As it is I have many health issues, I do not want to add more to them.

So, this worries me a lot. That sometimes I sort of black out when I am in front of food. Something in me totally breaks down as the deliciousness beckons me. And, I do not know what to do! 

Sometimes, I eat, actually stuff myself, even when I am not hungry. Even when I am full to the brim, I would unconsciously keep eating. I sometimes feel this food addiction and the fact I was bullied in my childhood might be directly linked. Anyway, more on that at a later date. I feel mentally fatigued. I am very disappointed with me. I wanted to eat better, and I have already started failing. 

I think I will go and read something. Maybe that will help. 

Edit: 21:18 IST

I have lost my mind today. Out of sheer dumbness has been born my brain. I did not read or finish what I wanted to study. I walked around for a while though, but shamefully so my Pokemon egg would hatch! (facepalm) And, then I decided to have a simple salad but mom said oh no I made parathas so just finish them or they will go bad and so I had that with eggs! I mean Whyyyy? 

Maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself about not eating certain things and just encourage it to eat the right thing. Funnily enough I do eat my share of fruits and veggies and good protein every single day. But, some how end up over eating by eating some bad junk! 

Help! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 3500 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Left over Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Mixed vegetable, Dal, Fish, cucumber.
  • Snack: Super Drink, 3 Patishaptas, 2 koraishutir kochuri and cabbage curry.  
  • Dinner: Two parathas and egg bhurji
• Study: Stanford, one module. 
• Read: 20 pages from Uganda Be Kidding Me by Chelsea Handler
• Feeling: Rather Disspointed with me. 

2017 Chapter I Section 2

A day of anger and food

The day started off in the most annoying way possible. An old friend of mine, who had decided two months back that he doesn't want to talk to me, suddenly apparently missed me a bit too much to ignore me any longer!! 

I found it rather annoying that he thought I would be easily up for forgiving and go back to our old ways. Now, I might be overreacting, or maybe I have faced similar situations with a few close people, I somehow, do not have the patience to hear out apologies. 

Maybe I am going heartless, but I do not even feel like forgiving anyone. I feel like hibernating somewhere far away. Somewhere away from my current location, where no one knows me. I just want to read and write, cook and eat and in general be just me! 

I have been losing my patience lately, more on that, maybe another day. For now, let's just say, the day did not start on a happy note. What annoyed me was my friend messaged me at 4 in the morning. I mean come on. I get it, you miss me, but maybe next time miss me at a less ungodly hour!

I had some work at the bank, then we all decided to go for our weekly visit to the mall to buy the weekly (some monthly) essentials. We are a family of mall rats!!! 

Though I carried fruits because I knew I would get hungry, somehow my brain shut down for a good half an hour, and I ended up eating at KFC!!! 

To make up for it, I made my parents walk around with me for one and a half hours (inside the mall). I also took this opportunity to play Pokemon Go (Yes, it has released in India a few weeks back, and yes I do love playing it. No, I do not go out of my way to play it, though.). I am happy to report I caught around 25 Pokemon and levelled up twice. 

After quick stops at our local grocery mart, fish mart and a fruit seller, I came home to get inspired to cook pasta suddenly. (recipe will be on the site soon)

After a good meal, I am now happily plopped on my bed, typing out every single word that is coming to my mind. By the way, the friend of mine tried to apologise by sending me Puppy videos! (That's low, very very low, I mean how can anyone say no to cute puppies. I am a sucker for cute things, damn it!) 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 4048 steps. (Was aiming at 3000) 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Corn Flakes and Milk (!)
  • Lunch: Rice, Cabbage, Fish. 
  • Snack: KFC Chicken Wrap (!!!)  
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti and Vegan homemade pasta sauce
  • Study: None
• Read: Finished only 10 pages, but might read more at night. 
• Feeling: Happy. 

2017 Chapter I Section 1

New Year & ETC

So, Happy New Year! I feel so strange. I feel like it was just yesterday that 2016 began. I was with my sister at Seattle, all excited about the new year. The new year which was to bring us new beginnings and new hope. 

A year later, and none of it happened. This year I am not feeling that excitement anymore. I am not dreading either, but I don't know, I am quite empty. 

Now, don't get me wrong I am not trying to sound depressed. I am not depressed. But, I don't know I am not very elated either. 

The first day of the new year was void of any events. I woke up like every other day, too late for comfort. Spent quite some time talking to my sister about how bizarre 2016 was. At around 13:30 IST I wished her New Years (she is in California) and then she proceeded to sleep and I towards a book. I am currently reading, rather re-reading Zero to One by Peter Thiel. 

At around 16:30 IST I decided I should stop being lazy and make my Super Drink (recipe will appear on my site soon). I lazily moved around to make my drink. I was super clumsy for some odd reason, and I added a lot more wheatgrass than I intended to. 

After what seemed like 2 hours of a non-stop nonsensical barrage of YouTube vlogs of the tens of different YouTubers I follow, I fell asleep. I think I might have had an adverse reaction to the wheatgrass, or maybe it was because it is the 17th day of my Period (!!!) I was feeling too weak to do anything. 

So, the day ended as it started! Very uneventful! I hope this is not an indication of the rest of the year! 

Though, I am not keeping any resolutions, I have decided to check off a few things each day. My motto: One Day at a time. 

First is to keep a check on my health, especially the food I am eating and the exercise I am getting. A video by the YouTuber Blogilates has inspired me to keep a specific tab on what I am putting in my mouth. I am not going to be too strict about it, but I will definitely try my best. I have added a few I want to personally follow.

• No Dairy
• No Gluten
• No Added Sugar
• No Processed Food
• No Alcohol
• 3 days of Cardio and 3 days of weights
• One day of complete rest
• One cheat meal a week

Second, I want to read something everyday. Even, if it is a page a day, I want to do that. I want to finish a book a week. I used to read a lot more and I have realised that used to make me happy. 

Third, I am currently doing an online course and I keep studying, be to learn a new language or mind improvement specific games. I want to spend at least an hour or two everyday learning something new. 

I also want to keep a tab on how I am feeling in the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. This is not for any specific reason, just felt like it. 

And, finally I want to write about my day everyday. Somedays I might write more, somedays I might not write more than a sentence. But, I want to write. I used to keep a diary and I remember that made me feel so much lighter. I am a woman of the new age so writing a daily blog replaced my brick and mortar diary. :) 

Well, here's to 2017, I am cautiously hopeful for the year (even though I don't want to). Don't break me like 2016 did. 

Today's Checklist:

• Exercise: None
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Nothing
  • Lunch: Homemade Fried Rice and Palak Chicken 
  • Snack: Super Drink 
  • Dinner: Homemade Fried Rice and Palak Chicken 
• Study: None
• Read: Finished around 30 pages. 
• Feeling: Extremely Blah! 

[Note: Due to some Website glitch, this is appearing on 2nd of January. It was meant for the 1st of January, 2017.]