2023 Chapter III Section VI

Routines are important

I have been struggling with creating daily routines. I get into a flow and finally have routines, and then a slight change in plans happen like say two doctor’s appointment in the same week and voila, routines be damned. And it has not been great. I need routines to function. It gives me clarity, and knowing what comes next helps with my anxiety.

I used to be very detailed, but I have realised as long as I have the main to-dos created for the day/week and have a general idea of the workload, I can function well.

In my defense, the doctor’s appointments were needed; it was just unfortunate that I could not pace them out a little. I am trying to make sure I can avoid that in the future. I like my 9-5 work routine, so an appointment in between feels like such a big disruption. Then, I try to make up the time (no I do not have to, my company is super chilled about it but it is just me, I am the problem) and work extra on other days and then basically everything becomes chaotic. I KNOW not the biggest problems of life, but hey, these are my problems, and I just want to share them.

I still have a few more doctor’s visits scheduled throughout the year, but now I am trying to make it so that there aren’t too many in a month and then I can easily take those days off entirely and so creating a blessed structure again.

I also want to create a daily and weekly ‘me-time’ routine. I feel like I am a person who needs that to function. Nothing extraordinary. For example, I loved going for long walks in the mornings and evenings, outside, and then sitting on a bench and just watching people. Of course, with snow here, that becomes a bit tough now, but maybe I can find an alternative. I also love finding cute cafes and just chilling there. Or maybe, a daily morning tea time where I just sit and be.

I am trying to figure out what works for me now. I have always had little routines throughout, which has kept me anxious free and grounded, and focused. Of course, they get interrupted, but that is just life, right?

I actually started this blog for this precise reason, to share my mundane thoughts every day so my brain can feel lighter, like a pensieve. I haven’t been able to keep at it and can feel its bad effects. But, hey no better time than today eh?

I feel a sense of clarity spreading throughout, and I feel like routines will slowly be established. Yes, they will be disrupted, but the key is to always to go back to them. And, of course, keep the routines simple.

2023 Chapter II Section XXVIII

Two months down

I feel like time is flying by, yet it is moving so slowly. There are things I want to get done, and they require patience and Time. I want those to move faster. But, on the other hand, I want to savour every minute, every day, and I am unable to do so as time is flying by oh so quickly.

I won’t lie; the last few weeks have felt very overwhelming to me. It feels like so many things are in play, and I do not have enough time in the day.

Every day seems to be getting filled up with varied doctor’s appointments and work and house chores and and and. But then again, isn’t this what I was hoping for? Full days and routines bring me joy. I like knowing what’s next. Yes, it is overwhelming at first, but once you get used to it, it just becomes simpler and easier.

I want to get to that stage of comfort. But life doesn’t work like that; you cannot skip steps.

2023 is the year of all the pending doctor’s appointments, and trust there are plenty. Phew. But it must be done. This is my year of getting back my health. It started off fine, but February saw my doubts coming back. But we got this.

The new month starts tomorrow, a new beginning, right? Or is it just a continuation? I believe it is what I make it out to be. I will choose it to be a “new start.”

Yes, this is the year of putting health first. But, sometimes, with everything else going on, it is tough to remember the whats and whys.

So, let’s take a deep breath, and as we breathe out, let’s remember the task list, and instead of getting overwhelmed by it, let’s embrace it.

2022 Chapter X Section XXVI

Routines keep my anxiety calm. 

I am a naturally anxious person. So if you tell me something, I can guarantee you that I will somehow find a way to overthink it and then, of course, go into an unnecessary spiral and finally tire myself out. 

2020 made it worse. I will not go into the various reasons why (I mean apart from the obvious one) as that will take up an entire day, so that will be for another day. 

I couldn’t understand how to keep my brain calm! Even when there was nothing to worry about, I would find something. My sweet mother witnessed most of my panic attacks, and, bless her soul, she tried to help me. 

Therapy helped a lot. A LOT! I highly recommend it. She taught me multiple ways to anticipate bouts of anxiety and tackle them. I practice them regularly. 

But my anxiety is quite powerful. Moving to a new country, looking for jobs, high cost of living, feeling lonely, etc., etc., etc...just added to the feeling of hopelessness. 

I spent weeks overthinking and anxious. No amount of meditation and pep talks seemed to help me. Then, lo and behold, I observed a pattern. 

Since moving to Toronto, I decided to walk around and explore the city more. I love long walks, which I feel is a great way to get to know a city. 

So, some days I would walk for 10-12kms roaming around the different neighbourhoods. 

Initially, I would feel drained because I barely ever walked in Kolkata. I would feel exhausted, but I always felt happy. On the days I didn’t walk, my happiness was less. So, I started walking more, 10,000 steps a day. I set a specific goal and decided that I needed to hit those steps every day, no matter how slowly I walked or at whatever time. 

I have been doing this for two months now, and yes, I have missed many days in between, but I feel less anxious now. I have also created small routines around my walk. And I love them. Some days can be very hard, but I know that once I start walking, I feel happier, and my mind calms down. I also listen to audiobooks or podcasts (true crime all the way!) and sometimes practice my French. 

My aim is to make this a daily habit, no matter what! This is definitely not a new discovery by any means, but to my anxious mind, this is the relief it craves. 

What helps with your anxiety?