2022 Chapter XI Section VII

Let’s write!

When I was 10 years old, I knew what I wanted to do; finish my BA, then MA, do my Ph.D. in T.S. Eliot and then become a writer. I would tell this to everyone who met me. I loved (still do) literature, especially English literature. I loved to read, discuss what I read, and write. I would write a lot.

In the past 24 years, so much has changed. I work in a field that didn't even exist when I was young. I love what I do now. I especially love all the people I have met on this journey.

But, recently, I have been thinking about that 10-year-old who was so certain about her future. I want to get back to that level of passion and confidence I seem to have lost now. Life has a way of doing that.

Of course, as you grow up, priorities change, and responsibilities take over. Also, I feel I have lost the art of writing.

I still read a lot, but I barely discuss any of the books anymore because who has time, right? I definitely do not write much, though I am trying to get back to it.

Maybe I will not leave my day job yet to become a full-time writer, but I would love to go back to being passionate about my first love of writing. I may not be a great writer, but I feel so happy and free when I write, just like I used to as a 10-year-old.

2022 Chapter XI Section II

Happy Birthday, Thamma!

'Thamma' in Bengali means grandmother. I used to call my paternal grandmother ‘thamma’; today is her birthday.

I have been reflecting on life a lot in the past few weeks (apparently, job searches can do that). Not just to understand what life skills I can put on my resume but to understand who I want to be in the future. Since we are young, we are told to follow a set life path; education, more studying, job, job, job, marriage, kids, and bye-bye.

In the pursuit of living life, we forget to pursue happiness. What makes one happy? Rather what makes me happy? It has been a more challenging question to answer than I initially thought.

And, then, deep down, I heard a familiar voice I hadn’t heard in oh so long. It is my thamma’s. She taught me a vital lesson: happiness comes from seeing others happy. My grandmother was a teacher and the principal of a high school. She was universally loved. I have yet to meet someone as generous and loving as she was. She showed more through her actions than her words, and I think somewhere deep down, seeing that I imbibed some of it. (or I hope so)
I learned empathy from her. She always told me, “put yourself in their shoes because you never know what someone is going through.” I am not perfect, but I try to live by that as much as possible.

It has been 18 years since I lost her, yet even today, I feel like that 16-year-old whose life came crashing down, knowing her first teacher, guide, and best friend was no more.
But today is about celebrating her and her legacy. I may not be where I want to be, but then I always remember the other lesson she taught my sister and me. “Always take the first step and then the next, and soon you will reach your destination. If you skip a step, you will only fall down.”

Such simple lessons of life yet so tricky to implement; have faith, be patient, and always be empathetic.

I sometimes wonder if she will be proud of the work I do or the career I am trying to build. Then I remember she would be proud regardless of the title I hold or the money I make. She would be happy because I am happy.

I miss you and love you, and I hold all your teachings dear to my heart.

2022 Chapter X Section XXXI

Life lessons #1

I am currently searching for a job, but this is not about that. I have been writing oh so many cover letters. I am tired of writing why a certain certification or a job I had, taught me a certain skill set that may or may not help this new job.

I realized we put so much emphasis on our education, skills, and work experience and very little on life experience. I wonder why that is.

In my 10+ years of working, I have learned a lot more from life than from any school or workplace.

When I was 18 and diagnosed with chronic pain, I thought that would be the end of my career before it even began. But instead, I learned to be creative in my approach. I learned patience, and most importantly, I learned to be empathetic. I learned not to give up easily. I have had to pivot a few times (okay many times) before I could find something I enjoy doing and also am good at. I have had more "new starts" than I would like to admit. But every time, I decided to cry and let it out, and get up and try again.

I had to learn to adapt to remote working a decade before it became the "cool" or acceptable thing to do. I am so thankful to the early adopters who trusted me with their work.

I want to start sharing my life experiences which I feel can easily be translated into my work life. I would love it if you shared the same with me.

2022 Chapter X Section XXVI

Routines keep my anxiety calm. 

I am a naturally anxious person. So if you tell me something, I can guarantee you that I will somehow find a way to overthink it and then, of course, go into an unnecessary spiral and finally tire myself out. 

2020 made it worse. I will not go into the various reasons why (I mean apart from the obvious one) as that will take up an entire day, so that will be for another day. 

I couldn’t understand how to keep my brain calm! Even when there was nothing to worry about, I would find something. My sweet mother witnessed most of my panic attacks, and, bless her soul, she tried to help me. 

Therapy helped a lot. A LOT! I highly recommend it. She taught me multiple ways to anticipate bouts of anxiety and tackle them. I practice them regularly. 

But my anxiety is quite powerful. Moving to a new country, looking for jobs, high cost of living, feeling lonely, etc., etc., etc...just added to the feeling of hopelessness. 

I spent weeks overthinking and anxious. No amount of meditation and pep talks seemed to help me. Then, lo and behold, I observed a pattern. 

Since moving to Toronto, I decided to walk around and explore the city more. I love long walks, which I feel is a great way to get to know a city. 

So, some days I would walk for 10-12kms roaming around the different neighbourhoods. 

Initially, I would feel drained because I barely ever walked in Kolkata. I would feel exhausted, but I always felt happy. On the days I didn’t walk, my happiness was less. So, I started walking more, 10,000 steps a day. I set a specific goal and decided that I needed to hit those steps every day, no matter how slowly I walked or at whatever time. 

I have been doing this for two months now, and yes, I have missed many days in between, but I feel less anxious now. I have also created small routines around my walk. And I love them. Some days can be very hard, but I know that once I start walking, I feel happier, and my mind calms down. I also listen to audiobooks or podcasts (true crime all the way!) and sometimes practice my French. 

My aim is to make this a daily habit, no matter what! This is definitely not a new discovery by any means, but to my anxious mind, this is the relief it craves. 

What helps with your anxiety?

2022 Chapter X Section XX

Ready or not.

I thought I was just burnt out.

Working two jobs or three.

Earning to save,

because of the BIG MOVE.

That’s all I thought about

for the last few years.

I thought that was it,

this is how I change my life,

break all the old patterns.

Oh, how wrong was I!

I earned the money,

saved it too.

I made the big move,

I am where I thought I should be.

It is truly lovely.

I am happy,

don’t get me wrong.

But I am lonely.

I have left my family & friends,

and the city I grew up in,

all of whom I had just started to love again.

In all honesty,

I miss them, but I am not homesick.

I just wish I could have carried

them with me.

I know eventually, this loneliness will go.

I know me.

I will make new friends

and possibly maybe will fall in love.

But, this in-between time,

is killing me.

I am failing to create routines,

and seem to be creating the same,

loops of disaster,

that have always bogged me down.

(Can take the girl out the disaster,

but not the disaster out of the girl, eh?)

I love my daily walks here,

I love the smiling faces,

I LOVE the fall colours,

the cool breezes,

the hustle of the city.

I love it all.

This is what I wanted,

I feel like I can thrive here.

But, somehow something,

keeps holding me back.

Is it my anxiety?

The fear of failure,

of starting over?

Is it loneliness?

I keep giving myself deadlines,

to “get over it” and “just do it”.

Is that the problem?

Do I need more time?

Or is it just me?

The self-inflicted pressure,

can be a huge pain.

I do carry a lot of the old baggage,

they are not easy to get rid of.

Are they bogging me down?

I want to wake up fresh,

feel the cool air,

and just dive in,

embracing all that is to come my way.

I am scared,

and this crippling anxiety isn’t helping.

But I am ready.

2022 Chapter VIII Section XXII

Can I please get a ‘Fresh Start’ in purple to go?

Here we go again. Another fresh start is about to start. And I feel truly excited about this one.

I recently listened to a podcast that mentioned a book (names of both elude me right now) where they talk about fresh starts. That it gives people a sense of beginning and hope. Fresh starts can happen at any given time and shouldn’t be restricted to certain times and places. But, some fresh starts can be obvious, like the beginning of a new year (heck even a week) or moving to a new place.

So, ding ding, I have recently moved to a completely new country where I barely know anyone.

I have been here for exactly 55 days now. I am in a new country, in a new apartment with new furniture, and yet I feel like I am continuing the same old patterns I wanted to leave behind. In the 55 days, I feel like I have made no progress. (It’s not true, but in my head, I feel so.)

I started thinking about it. Why is it that I feel like I am in a loop? It took me 55 days and a very bad period of pain episodes to finally understand the why.

I am still the same person following the same patterns, but there is an added element of confusion that has crept in. It seems I was so invested in the ‘moving’ part of the move that I didn’t think about the ‘what’s next.’ I mean, I did, but it was mostly very theoretical. I know what I need to or want to do next, but I do not have the how or the motivation to do it.

I really do not feel motivated. At all.

This really confused me. Somehow I thought the move would be the motivation I needed to do what’s next. But, no, I just feel so tired and relieved, but mostly so tired. Like the years of waiting for something, the constant anxiety, the constant thinking, “now what next” has finally caught up with me, and all I want to do is nothing.

Okay, to clarify, when I say nothing, I mean I will still continue with my freelance work (because of rent and food), but I do not feel like looking for that great job I have been thinking about for years now.

I want to go out and see my new city. Go to a museum and sit there the whole day. Walk for hours and discover new neighbourhoods. I have always loved walking, and that love is coming back slowly. I love listening to an audiobook or a podcast and just walking.

I mean, is it wrong to want to enjoy the moment I am in? I have worked hard and saved, and I feel I deserve to take it a little easier. I have even aggressively done the maths, I have enough saved up to go a few months without worrying or even depleting my savings too much. Shouldn’t I take the advantage that the past me has provided the current me?

The guilt that I feel every time I think about just doing ‘nothing’, has been quite demotivating. And, I feel lately my thoughts have become very jumbled and cluttered. This then leads me to think maybe I should take this ‘break’. I can create the routines that my anxious brain loves so much. I can go out and make some friends. But, then should I? Shouldn’t I be doing what all new immigrants do? Find a better job and better myself?

All these and more have led me not to feel the freshness of this fresh start that has been the BIG MOVE. I feel stagnant, and I feel guilty and and and. The same health issues continuing doesn’t make it feel any fresher either. It feels like it’s been a new bottle but the same old wine, a whiny me that is.

I think the problem isn’t with the freshness but with the start. I do not feel like starting anything. I want to bask in the warmth of one thing (the move) that has been successfully completed.

Maybe instead of thinking of this as a grand fresh start or just one fresh start, what if I break it down into smaller fresh starts, I feel like that will work. Right?

What if instead of, finding a new, good and high paying job, losing weight, starting routines, meeting new people, going to new places, etc., all at once, I simply break down each of these into tinier fresh starts?

• Fresh start #1 Walk every day, starting August 23rd, 2022.

• Fresh start #2 Go to an event/meet up once a week starting from first week of September.

You get the gist, right? I think that should work, right? Why does my fresh start have to be one grand image? It can be made of tiny pixels, of tiny fresh starts.

Here is to starting over, time and again, and to never giving up.

2022 Chapter VIII Section XV

The Big Move

About five years ago, I decided I needed to move to North America from India. Why you ask? Simple. I work with North American clients and have been for years. The constant night shifts were finally getting to my physical and mental health. I had put on a tremendous amount of weight, I barely saw my people and the sun, and in general, adversely affected my wellbeing.

So, the logical conclusion, move to the part of the world where the timezones finally match. Easy, right?

NO!

You see, visas are a real bummer. They take time and money and effort, and a hell lot of luck! Then, let’s add to it a pandemic and sprinkle in some other world stuff. Lovely, isn’t it?

I am not an unlucky person by any means. I have a good life, food on my plate, a roof over my head, and loving friends and family. But I am definitely not lucky. Things that usually take a normal human being, say a month or two to get, it takes me 6/7/8/9 months. So, I have learned early on in my life to have contingency plans. Lots of them.

This brings me back to the big move I mentioned in the title. In 2017, I finally decided I wanted to move to Canada. My extensive research told me the country, and I am a good enough fit. Great. The next step figuring out how. That too after much research was done. Now, all that remained was to start the process, which is exactly what I did.

Remember I told you things take time in my life? Well, simple things that should barely take a month or so started getting delayed by several months. But, I decided to keep having patience and hope. Anyway, these were early days, and I was still a hopeful little bunny.

The initial collection of documents and language tests, which usually take a normal human person maybe half a year to a year, took me 2 years and 3 months! But I didn’t give up hope! Nope! I was hopeful things would fall into place.

Then started the process of the actual application. I did not want to leave anything to chance and hence hired an immigration lawyer. In hindsight, that may have been one of my best decisions. It was a costly affair, but I am so glad I did it.

My lawyer gave me full confidence things will happen quickly and efficiently. I laughed and told her to have backup plans, this is me after all. She brushed off such worries, and we continued with the process.

In November 2019 was the first time my lawyer showed any sign of doubt when a very simple thing that should have taken a couple of days was delayed by a month or so. But, hey things like this happens right?

Cut to March 2020, we have made a lot of progress, only two steps remain and then I am very close to moving. But guess what, the world shut down for everyone. Thus, started the longest wait I have experienced in my life. I mean it was the longest wait for everyone.

My night shifts continued. That happy bunny was now replaced with a burnt-out human being. Like everyone around me, I was going through myriads of negative and positive emotions. But, I tried not to give up hope. Hey, I have made a decision, right? I need to stick by it, or at least try.

2020 was a blur of a year. I just remember I left a very abusive company and was jobless for the last couple of months of the year. I went through anxiety, guilt, anger, etc., etc. etc.

2021 was the year of growth for me. I started therapy and worked in a new company with a wonderful CEO. A very close friend of mine started to freelance alongside me. It helped knowing I am not alone. The immigration work had pretty much been on hold. It was a thought that sometimes haunted me. I was looking forward to the ‘now’ and less to the future.

Just when I was thinking of alternatives to my ‘big decision’, my lawyer popped up from nowhere and told me, “hey, go get your medical done; things are starting up again.” I did the needful. And, then was met with more silence and more waiting.

I was now getting comfortable in this waiting period. It was part of who I was now. “So, when are you moving?” “Not sure; everything is on hold.” My life was on hold. But, truly was it? I was living and breathing and surviving. I was waking up every day, eating, pooping, watching things; I had a life.

After 5 years of delays and anxiety, I finally got the news that I was moving to Canada. Time to start the next phase in life.

Today is Day 47 since I moved to Toronto. I have found a cute studio in downtown Toronto. I am getting used to living alone; generally, things are looking fine.

But, sometimes, I have realised I am still stuck in the “I am waiting” phase. I do not know if this makes sense to anyone else. I get this constant nagging feeling like I need to be doing something more. Like I need to be prepared. The same feeling I have carried in me for the past 5 years. I was constantly preparing for my move here; the constant saving, the constant fear of getting rejected, the guilt over leaving the city I had known as home since my birth, and the subdued excitement of getting to live on my own terms.

Now that I have made the move and slowly settling in, my mind is sometimes glitching. I often wake up thinking I am in a dream and that I will soon wake up in my bed in Kolkata.

I do not know how to describe the feeling. My real life sometimes feels like a simulation, and my past seems like reality. I think it is just the adjusting to my new life that is messing with me.

I am happy. I truly am. I love how I have been able to organise my small yet cozy studio. I love the furniture and knick-knacks that I lovingly chose. I love that for the first time in my life, and I can organise the kitchen exactly how I wish to. I love waking up and breathing the fresh air. I love that the people in the neighbourhood shops and the reception in my building already know me by my name.

I love so much of my life, but that pesky part of my brain keeps asking, “So, I have moved, now what?”

I guess that is what I must figure out on my own!

2022 Chapter I Section VII

Who is that, staring back at me in the mirror?

How did I let this get this far?

I feel like I have woken up from a nightmare.

But, am I up yet?

Because this feels like a living nightmare.

I look in the mirror and see someone else,

staring back at me.
That is not me.

Not the me I know so well and love.

No, it is not the body that I care about.

What is this that I have become?

I never knew I hated me so much.

Is this hate? This cannot be love.

What is this?

I love food and that will never change,

But what needs to change is my dependency on it.

My mobility has become weaker.

Knee feels crushed under the increasing weight.

My chest pains from time to time.

While I sleep, my breathing isn’t the same.

I am scared. I truly am scared.

I do not want to get a six pack or a beach body.

I just want less pain and more health.

I know I have so many issues to work on.

Yes, I am working on them.

But, one big thing I have to work on,

Is me.

I know what is needed.

I just have to do it.

This is the time.

NOW is the time.

There may not be a tomorrow if this goes on.

2022 Chapter I Section V

2022

A new year and the same me. This is the year of no resolutions or plans. This is the year I breathe easy and learn to live in the NOW. Of course, I am not going to be 100% chill, all the time, I mean come on, we are still talking about me. But, I will not worry so much about everything and everyone.

I mean honestly, what is the bloody point? None.

I have spent so much time worrying about things in the past, it is simply ridiculous to think about now. I have spent so much time sulking about people not giving me the attention I thought I deserved. But what was the end result? Nothing. I was the one getting hurt or wasting time of my limited lifetime.

I think about that a lot nowadays, how our days are numbered and this is the only life we get. I feel that has helped a lot in understanding the things and people I need to prioritise. No more chasing the people who cannot bother to call or text. No more waiting for things to happen. No more worrying about a future no one really can do anything about.

I control how I feel and act in the present and that is what I will do.

Yes, things will still whirl in my head and I will still get bothered when people I want to hang out, do not really bother much. But, I will not act passive-aggressive or be so affected by it as much. I mean just because I am thinking of someone, does not mean the other person has to.

2021 taught me how to be more present at the moment, it taught me to be more patient with myself and others. It also showed me that there are people who love me for who I am. And, I can love them for who they are. In 2022, I want more of that.

I do not know what this year will bring but I know one thing, I am ready for it. Not in an aggressive, muscle showing, “let’s go” way but more of a mild panda rolling from one side to the other way.

Happy New Year!