2023 Chapter III Section VI

Routines are important

I have been struggling with creating daily routines. I get into a flow and finally have routines, and then a slight change in plans happen like say two doctor’s appointment in the same week and voila, routines be damned. And it has not been great. I need routines to function. It gives me clarity, and knowing what comes next helps with my anxiety.

I used to be very detailed, but I have realised as long as I have the main to-dos created for the day/week and have a general idea of the workload, I can function well.

In my defense, the doctor’s appointments were needed; it was just unfortunate that I could not pace them out a little. I am trying to make sure I can avoid that in the future. I like my 9-5 work routine, so an appointment in between feels like such a big disruption. Then, I try to make up the time (no I do not have to, my company is super chilled about it but it is just me, I am the problem) and work extra on other days and then basically everything becomes chaotic. I KNOW not the biggest problems of life, but hey, these are my problems, and I just want to share them.

I still have a few more doctor’s visits scheduled throughout the year, but now I am trying to make it so that there aren’t too many in a month and then I can easily take those days off entirely and so creating a blessed structure again.

I also want to create a daily and weekly ‘me-time’ routine. I feel like I am a person who needs that to function. Nothing extraordinary. For example, I loved going for long walks in the mornings and evenings, outside, and then sitting on a bench and just watching people. Of course, with snow here, that becomes a bit tough now, but maybe I can find an alternative. I also love finding cute cafes and just chilling there. Or maybe, a daily morning tea time where I just sit and be.

I am trying to figure out what works for me now. I have always had little routines throughout, which has kept me anxious free and grounded, and focused. Of course, they get interrupted, but that is just life, right?

I actually started this blog for this precise reason, to share my mundane thoughts every day so my brain can feel lighter, like a pensieve. I haven’t been able to keep at it and can feel its bad effects. But, hey no better time than today eh?

I feel a sense of clarity spreading throughout, and I feel like routines will slowly be established. Yes, they will be disrupted, but the key is to always to go back to them. And, of course, keep the routines simple.

2022 Chapter VIII Section XXII

Can I please get a ‘Fresh Start’ in purple to go?

Here we go again. Another fresh start is about to start. And I feel truly excited about this one.

I recently listened to a podcast that mentioned a book (names of both elude me right now) where they talk about fresh starts. That it gives people a sense of beginning and hope. Fresh starts can happen at any given time and shouldn’t be restricted to certain times and places. But, some fresh starts can be obvious, like the beginning of a new year (heck even a week) or moving to a new place.

So, ding ding, I have recently moved to a completely new country where I barely know anyone.

I have been here for exactly 55 days now. I am in a new country, in a new apartment with new furniture, and yet I feel like I am continuing the same old patterns I wanted to leave behind. In the 55 days, I feel like I have made no progress. (It’s not true, but in my head, I feel so.)

I started thinking about it. Why is it that I feel like I am in a loop? It took me 55 days and a very bad period of pain episodes to finally understand the why.

I am still the same person following the same patterns, but there is an added element of confusion that has crept in. It seems I was so invested in the ‘moving’ part of the move that I didn’t think about the ‘what’s next.’ I mean, I did, but it was mostly very theoretical. I know what I need to or want to do next, but I do not have the how or the motivation to do it.

I really do not feel motivated. At all.

This really confused me. Somehow I thought the move would be the motivation I needed to do what’s next. But, no, I just feel so tired and relieved, but mostly so tired. Like the years of waiting for something, the constant anxiety, the constant thinking, “now what next” has finally caught up with me, and all I want to do is nothing.

Okay, to clarify, when I say nothing, I mean I will still continue with my freelance work (because of rent and food), but I do not feel like looking for that great job I have been thinking about for years now.

I want to go out and see my new city. Go to a museum and sit there the whole day. Walk for hours and discover new neighbourhoods. I have always loved walking, and that love is coming back slowly. I love listening to an audiobook or a podcast and just walking.

I mean, is it wrong to want to enjoy the moment I am in? I have worked hard and saved, and I feel I deserve to take it a little easier. I have even aggressively done the maths, I have enough saved up to go a few months without worrying or even depleting my savings too much. Shouldn’t I take the advantage that the past me has provided the current me?

The guilt that I feel every time I think about just doing ‘nothing’, has been quite demotivating. And, I feel lately my thoughts have become very jumbled and cluttered. This then leads me to think maybe I should take this ‘break’. I can create the routines that my anxious brain loves so much. I can go out and make some friends. But, then should I? Shouldn’t I be doing what all new immigrants do? Find a better job and better myself?

All these and more have led me not to feel the freshness of this fresh start that has been the BIG MOVE. I feel stagnant, and I feel guilty and and and. The same health issues continuing doesn’t make it feel any fresher either. It feels like it’s been a new bottle but the same old wine, a whiny me that is.

I think the problem isn’t with the freshness but with the start. I do not feel like starting anything. I want to bask in the warmth of one thing (the move) that has been successfully completed.

Maybe instead of thinking of this as a grand fresh start or just one fresh start, what if I break it down into smaller fresh starts, I feel like that will work. Right?

What if instead of, finding a new, good and high paying job, losing weight, starting routines, meeting new people, going to new places, etc., all at once, I simply break down each of these into tinier fresh starts?

• Fresh start #1 Walk every day, starting August 23rd, 2022.

• Fresh start #2 Go to an event/meet up once a week starting from first week of September.

You get the gist, right? I think that should work, right? Why does my fresh start have to be one grand image? It can be made of tiny pixels, of tiny fresh starts.

Here is to starting over, time and again, and to never giving up.

2017 Chapter II Section 8

Fat Thoughts

It's been a while now, that my body has been at war. I have quite a few physical issues. 

I have issues with my hormones, PCOD, Fibromyalgia and a tendency of falling sick or just falling and breaking or injuring different parts of my body. 

I mention all these because, since 2012, I have been consistently becoming heavier and now my weight is at an alarming number. I have had minor successes here and there, but they were all short-lived. 

50% of this is because of my issues (they individually delay the process of weight loss but together they make it even harder and that's what gets to me sometimes), but the other 50% is because I either get lazy or demoralised. 

I have recently started walking, and I have seen some result, but I haven't been able to curb my food intake and also the kind of foods I am eating. My sleep has also been a huge factor. I am not getting enough and proper sleep!!!

I have a special thing on the 23rd of February, and I needed some new clothes (I hate shopping for clothes, I only buy when I have to). I was nicely fitting into clothes a size smaller than I was a few months back, but there was only one issue, my stomach. 

I have developed a huge paunch, and it is just not going away. It is rather disappointing because I looked good in the clothes I was trying except my stomach jutted out and it was quite visible. 

Now, honestly, I do not have body issues. I am perfectly fine with how I look, but after working hard to lose the stomach fat (it is dangerous for the heart hence it is good to reduce it, I am not chasing a six pack here), I am nowhere close. And, I realised a lot of it is because I do not like to do the ab exercises and also because of the kind of food I am eating. (and sleep pattern)

Now, I am a person of habit (as are most I guess). I want to train my brain to eat better and do those ab exercises, but if I think long term, I think it will be a failure. I overthink it and become lazy and overwhelmed. I believe this has been the main issue of not losing weight. 

So, I have decided that till 23rd of February (at least) I will only eat healthy food, will not eat out, or make or have junk food at home and will do regular exercises and yes that includes abs too. [I have to attend two events in between, I have to make exceptions for those two!!!]

I just have to last till 23rd. I have a feeling once it gets regular I will be okay. I have done this before; I just have to make sure not to stop this time. 

Well, good luck and I will make sure to check up on Me regularly. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Weights, 3611 Steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
  • Snack: Chicken Sandwich, Momo, Orange, Aam Satta
  • Dinner: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Determined  

2017 Chapter I Section 7

A week in review

2:58 IST, I just watched a video about writer John Green go through some intense gym routines in his 100 days challenge, and I felt like my challenge isn't off to a good start. 

I haven't lost any weight or inches (which is fine), and in general, I have been highly indisciplined in my food and exercise schedule. I have eaten a lot of white bread and parathas, etc. Things I shouldn't be eating at all. 

I have started walking more, mostly thanks to Pokemon Go, but they are neither consistent in the distance nor regular. I haven't done a single day of weight training or heavy cardio! 

I thought today would be the day, I sit and positively review my first week's progress. Disappointing. 

I am scolding myself, of course! Do I have any other choice currently? 

And, my sleep pattern. Oh, sweet lord, it is not okay, evidently, since I am awake and writing this at 3 in the morning! 

I know I have been worried in life about things and stuff, but that doesn't mean I do not do the simple tasks that will lead me to a better healthy life. 

Let me try and sleep. My brain has to think of every worry in the world, right now. Sheesh. I am dealing with a child here. 

21:32 IST, well, the rest of the day wasn't a complete waste. I did go out to walk a bit. And, I was a good girl and did not eat any of the bad foods. 
I need to inspire me more. I feel like I am letting my worried head get the better of me. I need to calm it down and just go for it. 

I need to stick to my schedule better. I know when I do that, my worrying nature calms down a lot. I have mild OCD and have realised exercising and following a set routine makes me feel better. 

Well, I end today's blog, hoping for a more productive next week. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 2357 steps 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Aloo Posto, Rajma
  • Snack: Super Drink, a bit of churmur
  • Dinner: Palak chicken roll in a oats based roti 
• Study: Stanford Certificate. Finished an assignment
• Read: None
• Feeling: Happy, looking forward to Sunday