Blog — Arunima dey

daily blog

2020 Chapter I Section 3

Put some oil in your hair

That’s what my grandmother used to tell me all the time. She thought putting oil helps regulate the body temperature, keeps one calm and make one super intelligent.

Well, I am not so sure oils can be that miraculous but it does help the hair become soft. Today I had a home spa day. I oiled my hair with my mom’s magic oil (remind me to get the recipe, it’s amazing, I see tiny hairlings popping up where once was a tiny bald patch), gave myself a manicure and even put on a face mask.

Wash your face & moisturise

Self-care is so important. I never realised that until I started doing that regularly last year. I mean when I was much younger I used to take a care of myself a lot more, but mostly because my grandmother would make me. But, I fell out of habit. Mostly because I had this weird thought in my head that people who take of self are somehow “hoity-toity”. I do not know even know where I got that thought from, but there it was planted deep in my being that taking care of the self, especially in the form of hair spas and face masks is somehow bad.

It was in 2018, a colleague of mine made me see the light. She made me understand how important it is to take care of the skin especially once you are nearing your 30s or on the other side of it. She made me see that it is not a selfish act but can be a beautiful routine that can only take a few minutes in the day and not only does your skin feel great as a result but you also get some much needed ‘me’ time.

I often thank her for putting this beautiful idea in my head. I love my face masks and skincare products. I used to feel guilty spending on any of it before. I have no idea why. I used to feel it was a waste of money or somehow I am being selfish. A sense of guilt would always creep up as if I am doing something wrong.

Yes, some of the products I now use are on the pricier side but I love each one of them. No, I do not have a 13 step routine. It’s simple and it’s very me.

The strangest thing is I realised my mother had the same thoughts as me. She would put whatever cream (some not even face cream) she found laying around. Only if all the stray ones are over, she would go and buy something new, something meant for her. She would usually go for baby cream, I always found that so adorable. I once asked her the reason and she said she feels her skin is sensitive and she knows baby creams aren’t harsh. So, by her logic that was all she needed. I also realised though she barely had any wrinkles and had moderately clear skin (she is 61 mind you) her skin was always dry and sometimes flaky.

She did moisturise every day but not with what she needed. Having realised that she most probably has been using the wrong products for her skin type, I decided to take the matter in own my hands. I started buying the skin care products that were meant only for her. But, she would refuse, saying she feels guilty that she is wasting my money.

Like mother, like daughter, eh?

Well, I am happy to report both of us now love our daily routines and have healthy skin.

Why do we have to feel guilty when all we want to do is take care of ourselves? If we live within our means, why can self-care be not part of our daily life?

So, many questions…so little time.

2020 Chapter I Section 2

I woke up late today

I didn’t mean to. I just did. I also forgot I was supposed to meet a friend of mine. Luckily she came to my house for lunch or that could have been bad.

The day was quite nice. I think I talked a lot today to a lot of people. I have been buzzing with too many thoughts lately. I really need to put those down somewhere.

I have been thinking a lot about the story I am trying to write. It is not really a secret that I won’t share it here, it’s just I am not sure what the end result looks like.

I am hoping tomorrow I am able to put my thoughts together.

Does that happen to you sometimes, when you know what the bigger picture is and the smaller details yet somehow feel everything is jumbled up and disorganised?

I feel like I am being an oxymoron right now. Well, that is a good note to sleep on, maybe that will help me detangle these knots.

2020 Chapter I Section 1

Happy New Year

A new day, a new month, a new year and a new decade. Now, that’s a lot of ‘new’s. Am I new?

Well, aren’t we all a little newer every single passing moment? Who I was a moment ago isn’t me anymore. Too philosophical? Yeah, I think so too.

Anyway, I have no new resolutions. I do not think you need a specific day or date or time to start something. I used to think so. I used to wait for that magical day when the clock “will strike 12 and suddenly a new me will be born”. That never happened, so now I believe the magic is within us, we can turn a in to a “new me” whenever we want to.

In 2019, I started a slow but steady journey towards getting fit and I am continuing that journey. It doesn’t end with me losing “a bunch of weight”. This is a continuous journey and I have to keep at it.

I have a few personal projects I want to work on in 2020. I hope to make those happen and not give up as I do with many things.

I do not have any specific wish for 2020. I am happy to be alive and well for another day.

2018 Chapter VII Section 1

That took long enough

I didn't even realize where the time went. I remember the first day I thought I will take a small break from my blog and then suddenly it has been almost 8 months. I wanted my first comeback blog to be awesome but I kept delaying it. So, today I decided to just write something, anything, and start this habit again. This will be my daily journal. Stay back and read if you like, if not, thank you for stopping by. 

Today was also Day 1 of social media cleanse. I went for a really long walk today after a long time  and my periods just started so I am really tired right now. I will write about my little social media cleanse tomorrow. 

Good night and keep well! :) 

Tata! 

2018 Chapter I Section 12

Mental Breakdown

I do not know what happened. I had hardly slept and I kept feeling so overwhelmed; like I have so much to do but so little time. 

I studied as usual and actually was making progress. I even went out with my friends for dinner. 

I came home and just broke down. I cried my heart out. I could feel my heart. 

I feel like I will disappoint everyone. I am not sure who this 'everyone' is. 

I called my mom and cried for what felt like an eternity. Funny, how I talked about how I feel like I am going backward in life. I feel like I am still where I was in 2014. I realized I have never really been in a serious relationship; ever. I do not even remember when I last dated. I have been rejected quite a few times recently, so that's happening. Healthwise also, I feel like I am stuck. 

Now, I know I am making the situation sound worse than it really is. But, I honestly feel like I am stuck in a loop. I know that because every year I say this exact thing; that I am stuck in a loop. 

For once, I want a normal boring life. I want to go to work at 9 and stay there until 5. Come back home to a loving dog! (I have given up on the concept of a love life, I suck at it so much that I finally have decided to give up. I am not so sure that there is 'the one' for me. And, I am okay with it. I hope dogs or cats don't feel that way though, or else I will be seriously sad!) Go out with friends in the weekend. Plan holidays. Simple stuff. I don't want a lot of money, enough to live by. 

I don't want to worry about what to do next all the time. I want to be happy with what I have. I know I am not really chasing wealth or fortune but I always get this feeling I am not doing enough, that I do not know enough; that I am not good enough. 

I don't even know what I am supposed to be good enough for, or for whom? 

I know I am not confused about what I want to do in life. But, now I doubt if I am just clueless about everything. 

I think with every step till now I had to take so many detours for so many varied reasons, that now I doubt I even know where I wanted to go and where I am. I can actually write a book about what I had planned for my life and where I am. I know everyone goes through life a lot like this. But, I kid you not every time I was sure this is the path to follow, I had to take a detour and ended up in a completely different place. I mean literally, I ended up in a different country than I had intended to. 

I know that a lot of what has happened in life wasn't really my fault (by the way I have lived a very nice life till now, please do not take this as me complaining, I am more than lucky and privileged to have lived a comfortable and safe life, I merely contemplating about why I feel the way I do), I feel my chronic illness derailing my career, my father falling sick the year I decided to study, visas (!!!); but sometimes I feel I could have done more. Or, maybe I need to start accepting that sometimes one cannot do more. 

Well, I do not think my thoughts will go away anytime soon. I feel like I expect a lot more from myself. And, the circumstances around me do not help that. 

Like, for example, currently I am jobless. I have applied to more than 300 companies, maybe more. Most I feel haven't even seen my application. Out of the ones who did interview me many have rejected me; almost all stating that it is because I need a work sponsorship in future (I do not blame them, I guess I would have done the same if I were in their position) and the rest did not bother replying. I know that maybe because of work visa or current circumstance I am not getting an offer, but deep down somewhere I fear it is because I am not good enough. Maybe if I studied more or worked more. So, see even if a situation is not in my hands, I feel like it's all my fault! 

I don't know...I mean really I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen next or what I am supposed to do. 

I am just doing what I feel I should do. I am currently applying to colleges because I feel maybe my education is not enough. I am studying subjects I always hated because I feel if I do maybe then I can get a good enough job.

I feel like I know what I am doing with my life, but I am evidently completely clueless. 

I have always been filled with contradictions but now I feel that's who I have become. I sometimes feel like I am talented, knowledgeable, smart, hardworking and in the next minute, I feel like I couldn't have been more wrong. 

I know that I love to study and I know I want to keep studying but then I feel maybe I do that because I never feel smart enough. 

I know one thing for sure and, I am sure you must have picked up on it, if you have been reading closely (I do not know why you would, I mean, seriously, why!)  I think a lot. I mean really, my brain can think a bit more than it should. 

Anyway, I feel exhausted with thoughts. Maybe I will continue tomorrow. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: 1645
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 90 mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk 
    • Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon  
    • Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
    • Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: 1415 
    • Fat: 128 g
    • Protein: 54 g
    • Net Carbs: 16 g
    • Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
  • Sleep: 2:10 Hrs
  • Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.  
  • Study: !!!!
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
  • Feeling: !!!!

2018 Chapter I Section 11

Calm Down Brain 

Depressed yet happy! 

Overwhelmed yet planned. 

Confident yet in doubt! 

 

What is to happen next? 

 

I know but don't know! 

 

Brain in overdrive. 

Thoughts galore! 

Patient. But crowded with impatience. 

 

Tata!

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: 1809
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 90 mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk 
    • Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon  
    • Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
    • Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: 1415 
    • Fat: 128 g
    • Protein: 54 g
    • Net Carbs: 16 g
    • Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
  • Sleep: 5:18 Hrs
  • Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.  
  • Study: I am happy with my progress today. Good girl.  
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
  • Feeling: Cleaned the house. Studied all I wanted to. No cheating on food. Overall, happiness! 

2018 Chapter I Section 10

Am I doing enough?

Do you ever get the feeling that you are doing enough with your life? 

I always feel that. It is a constant reminder/alarm I cannot switch off. 

The more I learn, the more I feel like I need to learn. The more I read, I feel like I am not reading enough. I always feel like I am not doing enough. I feel like I need to work more, I need to know more, go to more places, read more, watch more, more, more and more. 

While studying for my entrance exam for my second master's I am thinking if should I do a Ph.D. next? I have already chalked out the next 20 certifications I want to do (including a few computer software and languages) while working and/or studying. 

I feel like I have already chalked out my next 5 years, yet I feel like I am completely clueless about what I am going to do!? 

Am I going insane? 

Am I? 

Till I figure it out (which might be never)...

Tata! 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: N/A
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 0mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: N/A 
    • Lunch: N/A  
    • Snack: N/A
    • Dinner: N/A 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: N/A
    • Fat: N/A
    • Protein: N/A
    • Net Carbs: N/A
  • Sleep: 7 hrs
  • Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo) 
  • Study: Going well. On track, till now. 
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
  • Feeling: Being a couch potato while studying. I got my periods after 2 months so phew, and I didn't have to use medicines. 

2018 Chapter I Section 9

Let's not talk about it

Today wasn't the best for me mentally. I think as much as I want to not overthink my current situation I feel a little suffocated with the pressure of studies and looking for work. 

I did study as much as I had hoped for. But, I just sometimes feel like why am I doing all this? Will these bear any fruit at all? 

Anyway, hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I know I just have to face my fears and keep at it as I am doing every single day! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: N/A
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 0mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: N/A 
    • Lunch: N/A  
    • Snack: N/A
    • Dinner: N/A 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: N/A
    • Fat: N/A
    • Protein: N/A
    • Net Carbs: N/A
  • Sleep: 6.2 hrs
  • Study: Started with Percentage & Interest.  
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52)
  • Feeling: Still feeling lost. 

2018 Chapter I Section 8

Not a good day

Today I struggled with panic attacks. Fortunately, right now I have it under control. 

I was feeling very overwhelmed. I haven't slept properly for a while and I think everything kind of built up. I am trying to study for GMAT and I feel like I am letting my fear of exams get to me. 

Then, with the job search not going as well as I had hoped for, I started feeling quite pressurized. And, I realized all of it is in my head. I mean honestly, a lot of what I am trying to do now is not really in my hand. I can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But, at the end of the day, I cannot control a lot of the things involved in either my job search or college applications. 

I think it took me some time to realize it. I am lucky I have friends who helped me see that and currently at 1:30 am in the morning I am trying hard to concentrate on studying hard and not thinking about the eventual events of life. 

I had a very bad eating day. I let my inner emotions get to me. Also, I did zero exercises. The only thing that I liked about today: I finally slept. I took a very long nap in the evening and I felt quite like me after that. 

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I have to remember to not be so critical of myself all the time. I tell others to not to do it but sometimes forget to follow my own advice. 

Until tomorrow! 

Tata! 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: N/A
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 0mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: N/A 
    • Lunch: N/A  
    • Snack: N/A
    • Dinner: N/A 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: N/A
    • Fat: N/A
    • Protein: N/A
    • Net Carbs: N/A
  • Sleep: 3.5 hrs
  • Study: Finishing up the cheat sheet videos. 
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52)
  • Feeling: Feeling a little lost. 

2018 Chapter I Section 7

A little late but still a start

The first Sunday of 2018! So, I took a bit of time off writing in the latter half of last year and also in the first few days of this one. And, it was worth it. I have a lot going on and yet I feel like I am standing still. I am looking for work, trying to further my studies (I am thinking about a second Masters and trying for it) and definitely making sure I am healthier than before. It has been a struggle sometimes to lose weight and eat right. When things don't go well I always depend on food to make me feel better. I want to change that. I want to be my own support system. 

I have been trying a new way of eating: Ketogenic diet. I know there is a lot of controversies around it and initially, I was very apprehensive about it. I have to say till now it has been the most successful way of eating for me. I am less hungry and more focused. I have been able to finally go under 179 lbs in 3 years and stay there. I have had my own bit of struggle with it, but I am back at it strong. One of the things I do not like about this way of eating is that I end up eating a lot of meat and dairy products. But, slowly and steadily I have been switching over to the plant-based alternatives. One of my goals in 2018 is to eat more plant-based foods. This is not only for health reasons but I want to leave less of a bad carbon footprint. 

I have also started Intermittent Fasting. It was a struggle, a true struggle but with time I have realized because of IF I eat less junk food now. I am more aware of what I am putting in my mouth and when. Earlier I had a habit of eating chips and chocolates at 1 or 2 in the morning. But, because of the specific times, I can eat, I eat better and get the right calories in. 

I tried different forms of exercise last year; from interval training to running to swimming but I couldn't sustain any of them, and I realized because I never addressed my back issues or other health issues. And, though I would start strong with my exercises, I would inevitably fall sick. This year my plan is to start slow and maintain. Thanks to my chiropractor my back pain is minimal and I sleep better. I want to start slow with walking. I also realized I love to dance and music always makes me happy. So, I have decided to dance for 10 mins every morning right after I wake up. I have done it for a few days and that has been a good experiment. I end up happier throughout the day.

So, basically this year I will continue to improve upon all the healthy habits and knowledge I started and accumulated last year! 

Last year was good. It definitely did not go as planned and that is fine. I met some exceptional people from all over the world. And, I cannot be more thankful. This has been one of the most eye-opening experiences in my life. Seeing the same things from a different perspective can be such a revelation.

I have realized my worth and I have realized I do not need to feel worthy through other's words. My actions speak for them. I have cut off a few people from my life, people who at one point in my life made sense, made me happy but I feel their presence in my life now is more harmful. 

This is a big year for me as I turn 30 and I have a short bucket list, that I want to go through (I will try putting some of them in this blog, some are too private for me to share here, though I am pretty sure I am the only one who reads my blog).

In general, I want to be happy this year and make sure I make others happy. I do not know where I will be at the end of the year. I do not know if I will be able to do all that I want to. I do not know if I will be successful in my endeavors but I know at every single moment I can choose happiness and that is exactly what I wish to do. 

I also want to be a lot more mindful of others and the world in general. I want to give as much as possible for me at the moment and I want to be aware of my surroundings. I am slowly switching to a more minimalistic approach to life, I have started having more plant-based foods and switching to products which are homemade and more natural. I know I cannot go cold turkey overnight but I can choose to keep making these small changes this year. 

A few goals I have for myself this year: 

  • Lose the excess weight I have been carrying around for a while now. It's time to treat my body with more respect and give it the right nutrients. 
  • Read more and read things out of my comfort zone. Goal is to read 52 books this year. 
  • Meet more people. Be more social. 
  • Help out more, in whatever small way I can. 
  • Write every single day (yes, I know I have missed the first 6 days already, but hey at least I started). I want to make this a memoir that I can go back to and read and be reminded of who I am, it seems sometimes I forget that. Also, I will be tracking a lot of my food and exercise and reading habits through this. I want to make it like my own one-stop shop diary.
  • Slowly change food habits to more plant-based. 
  • Be more environmentally aware. 
  • Learn more. Be it from books, online, from people, from college. I want to increase my knowledge. 
  • Learn a new language (I am currently trying to learn Spanish). 
  • Be Happy. There are too many reasons to become sad, angry, frustrated with life, others, the world, with yourself. But, I can choose happiness over everything else and that is what I want to do more. Everything on this list are just meant to make sure I achieve this last goal. I want to be happy and try and spread that happiness to others. 

Here is to you 2018, I am Ready for you! 

Let's do this! :) 

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: 1838
    • Steps: 13,823
    • Miles: 5.45
    • Dance: 60 mins
    • Others: 0mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: Fried Eggs (2), Sausage, 
    • Lunch: Roasted Chicken Thigh with Salad.  
    • Snack: String Cheese, Raspberries, Home Made Chocolate
    • Dinner: Ground Beef low carb taco.  
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: 1515
    • Fat: 136 g (80%)
    • Protein: 61 g (16%)
    • Net Carbs: 17 g (4%)
  • Sleep: 5 hrs
  • Study: It's Sunday man! 
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52)
  • Feeling: Feeling ready, bring it on, 2018!