mind

2020 Chapter I Section 2

I woke up late today

I didn’t mean to. I just did. I also forgot I was supposed to meet a friend of mine. Luckily she came to my house for lunch or that could have been bad.

The day was quite nice. I think I talked a lot today to a lot of people. I have been buzzing with too many thoughts lately. I really need to put those down somewhere.

I have been thinking a lot about the story I am trying to write. It is not really a secret that I won’t share it here, it’s just I am not sure what the end result looks like.

I am hoping tomorrow I am able to put my thoughts together.

Does that happen to you sometimes, when you know what the bigger picture is and the smaller details yet somehow feel everything is jumbled up and disorganised?

I feel like I am being an oxymoron right now. Well, that is a good note to sleep on, maybe that will help me detangle these knots.

2018 Chapter I Section 11

Calm Down Brain 

Depressed yet happy! 

Overwhelmed yet planned. 

Confident yet in doubt! 

 

What is to happen next? 

 

I know but don't know! 

 

Brain in overdrive. 

Thoughts galore! 

Patient. But crowded with impatience. 

 

Tata!

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 
    • Cals Out: 1809
    • Steps: N/A
    • Miles: N/A
    • Dance: 0 mins
    • Others: 90 mins
  • Food: 
    • Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk 
    • Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon  
    • Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
    • Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs 
  • Eating: Keto
    • Cals In: 1415 
    • Fat: 128 g
    • Protein: 54 g
    • Net Carbs: 16 g
    • Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
  • Sleep: 5:18 Hrs
  • Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.  
  • Study: I am happy with my progress today. Good girl.  
  • Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
  • Feeling: Cleaned the house. Studied all I wanted to. No cheating on food. Overall, happiness! 

2017 Chapter III Section 27

Cleaning: A poem

My mild OCD,

Will be the end of me. 

With a broom in hand, 

Here, I stand. 

In front of a room, 

Which is already clean, 

But, it is not upto, 

My standard of spic and span. 

I am losing my mind, 

And, a little bit of my behind. 

I went on a wild cleaning spree, 

This cleaning monster will never let me be free. 

Now, I lie on my bed super tired, 

I am getting my brain fired. 

Because it still cannot stop, 

Thinking of cleaning more pans and pot.

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weight Training, Packing
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Egg Sunnyside up, Bread
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Chicken Curry
    • Snack: Blueberry, Blackberry, Chocolate
    • Dinner: Pasta, veg sauce
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Cleaning spree

 

 

 

 

2017 Chapter II Section 18

Caught in Between

My brain is playing tricks on me. 

I sometimes want the time to slow down so I can catch up. 

I have tasks undone and I need time.

But, then again, I need Time to speed up. 

I am waiting for news which are tied to my hopes and dreams. 

I have been patient for too long. 

I need this wait to be over. 

I do not know what it is, that I want. 

Will time slow down or speed up? 

Or, will it just go on as it always does?

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: None (I have a fever!)
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Fried Rice, Aloo Poshto, Prawn
    • Snack: Chia, Flaxseed, Pomegranate, 25 g bag of popcorn, Orange, Leftover noodles (very little)
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Aloo Curry, Lettuce curry.  
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Caught in between 

2017 Chapter II Section 16

"What's on Your Mind?"

I feel so tired, 
So defeated,  
Having constant arguments,
Some are light, but most are heated! 

I do not know what's next, 
Or where I am going. 
Stuck in a loop,
And, it's frustrating and annoying. 

I feel overloaded, 
With thoughts and feelings, 
Everything is closing in on me, 
Even the walls and the ceilings. 

I cannot breathe, 
Someone wake me up, 
But, I do not want to quit yet, 
I do not want to give up. 

What am I looking for, 
Can someone tell?
Am I going towards Heaven, 
Or, walking into Hell?

Do I need more time, 
Or have I run out of it?
I don't know what to do, 
Should I stand, move or just sit?

I have a feeling, 
I have been here before, 
But, I feel so numb, 
And, about nothing I am sure. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weight Training, 4000 steps, 30 mins dancing
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Aloo Poshto
    • Snack: Homemade healthy rice noodles (I hardly ate), Chia, Flaxseed 
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken 
  • Study: Stanford
  • Read: The Confidence Man
  • Feeling: Torn inside

2017 Chapter II Section 6

Reading & My Intelligence

When I was young, I used to read a lot. One of the main reasons being, I didn't have too many people to talk to.  Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't a loner, and I did have a lot of friends. But, somehow I wouldn't be able to relate to most of them. I also had a few bad years in my teenage life, that was mainly thanks to bullying at school. (more on that, in a future blog)

But, to be honest, I read because I loved to read. My maternal grandmother introduced us to reading and storytelling at a very young age. I distinctly remember her reading from books and making us understand what they meant. My parents also encouraged us a lot.

My sister did not pick up the habit of reading as much as I did. Obviously, as a child, I loved reading Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl, Agatha Christie and many more. I even remember that my parents had to build and get a few book shelves because soon I started running out of room to keep my books. 

Thanks to my grandmother, I used to love reading poetry. Though she introduced me to Bengali poetry, I slowly gravitated towards the English Language. I fortunately still have most of my books of poems. 

I remember I had a habit of walking around the room while reading poems. I do not know how or where I picked up this habit, but I still do this. I was also taught to read aloud. I try not to that now! :D

I never really had restrictions on what I could read. So, I remember when I was around ten years old, I had read Preludes by T.S.Eliot. (yes, the original poem, not an abridged version) I am pretty sure; I did not understand the deep meaning of the poem at the time. But, it struck a chord. I wanted to do my P.h.D in English Literature and concentrate on Eliot. 

[That did not happen, unfortunately, but since then, I have read a lot more of Eliot and have discovered many other brilliant poets.]

So, reading to me was my way of feeling alive. I say 'was,' because I think I do not value the art of reading as much as I did when I was younger. 

As I have mentioned before, I was bullied at school. I was 13 when it had started, and it only stopped once I left that school at 15. I had become very depressed at the time, and I used to bury myself in books. 

I remember I was 12 when my father gifted Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban to me. At the time, I had never even heard of Harry Potter. 

I stayed up all night and finished the book. I remember crying. I remember my heart feeling stronger. I also realised I wanted to read more about Harry. [The Harry Potter series holds a special place in my heart. I will talk about HP and my life in a later blog; there is so much to talk about on this topic.]

That year, like every other year, I took my pocket money and my parents to the Kolkata Book Fair and bought the first two books of the series. 

Book Fair was my favourite time of the year. It was my pilgrimage. I would take every rupee I had saved and buy everything my heart desired. My parents would also chip in, of course. I used to come back with bags of books from various genres. According to my father, they were meant to last the year, but I would end up reading them in a few week's time. After that, I would patiently wait for people to lend me books or gift them for my birthday or other occasions. For me, my paternal aunt's house used to be Mecca. Her husband loved to read, and he had a huge collection of books. He was always kind enough to lend or gift me dozens of books. I miss those more innocent and happier times.

So, as you must have figured out by now, I love to read. Or, I would say loved to. I remember loving the quiet time I used to get while reading. Everyone in my family knew not to disturb me while I read. 

I think now YouTube has replaced my love for reading which is rather sad as I feel a little stupider than before. I do not know if there is any truth to it, but the less I read, the dumber I feel. 

I have been trying to cut down on my 'watching junk on my laptop' time, but have been so unsuccessful!!! I want to read at least one book a week this year, and so far it has been a disaster. Like everything in my life I started off well and did finish my quota of books in January but then I fell sick, and now I have become extra lazy! Now, I just sit for hours and watch mindless vlogs! Why why why!! And, some of the things I have started watching make me question my sanity!  -_-

Where have the good old days gone? Or at least the good old me! I remember in college; I had a reading challenge with my friend. She used to claim to read fast and a lot. I did not believe her, and she refused to believe I read a lot. So, over the summer holidays after our first year at college, we decided to read as much as we could. We even had to devise a way to check the actual number of books we read! (yes, I think we might have been nerds! :D) 

My final number was around 33. She refused to count the Manga and other comic books I had read (unfair, they are books too). Otherwise, the number would have been higher. Also, I had decided that was the best time to read The Lord of the Rings and those books are thick, and they take time! Anyway, in the end, I just remember being a much happier person. And, since our numbers were very close, we had called a truce. She is pursuing her P.h.D. in the English language, so I guess she has beaten me in the numbers department now! 

Wow, I wrote a lot more than I had anticipated. I do still love to read. But, I have become lazier, and there are more things to distract me now. As I told you before, I feel there is a connection between my increasing/diminishing intelligence and the number of books I read.

I do need to start getting myself back in the habit of reading! Imaginary or not, I need to get back that feeling of 'not feeling stupid' and reading books always helped me to do that.  

Read more, Arunima! Your brain needs it. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weights
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Rice, Mixed Veggie, Fish
    • Snack: Pav Bhaji, Mishti
    • Dinner: Dal, Rice
  • Study: Stanford
  • Read: A Clash of Kings
  • Feeling: Nostalgic. Remembering all the good times when I used to read books.