2022 Chapter X Section XX

Ready or not.

I thought I was just burnt out.

Working two jobs or three.

Earning to save,

because of the BIG MOVE.

That’s all I thought about

for the last few years.

I thought that was it,

this is how I change my life,

break all the old patterns.

Oh, how wrong was I!

I earned the money,

saved it too.

I made the big move,

I am where I thought I should be.

It is truly lovely.

I am happy,

don’t get me wrong.

But I am lonely.

I have left my family & friends,

and the city I grew up in,

all of whom I had just started to love again.

In all honesty,

I miss them, but I am not homesick.

I just wish I could have carried

them with me.

I know eventually, this loneliness will go.

I know me.

I will make new friends

and possibly maybe will fall in love.

But, this in-between time,

is killing me.

I am failing to create routines,

and seem to be creating the same,

loops of disaster,

that have always bogged me down.

(Can take the girl out the disaster,

but not the disaster out of the girl, eh?)

I love my daily walks here,

I love the smiling faces,

I LOVE the fall colours,

the cool breezes,

the hustle of the city.

I love it all.

This is what I wanted,

I feel like I can thrive here.

But, somehow something,

keeps holding me back.

Is it my anxiety?

The fear of failure,

of starting over?

Is it loneliness?

I keep giving myself deadlines,

to “get over it” and “just do it”.

Is that the problem?

Do I need more time?

Or is it just me?

The self-inflicted pressure,

can be a huge pain.

I do carry a lot of the old baggage,

they are not easy to get rid of.

Are they bogging me down?

I want to wake up fresh,

feel the cool air,

and just dive in,

embracing all that is to come my way.

I am scared,

and this crippling anxiety isn’t helping.

But I am ready.

2018 Chapter I Section 11

Calm Down Brain 

Depressed yet happy! 

Overwhelmed yet planned. 

Confident yet in doubt! 

What is to happen next? 

I know but don't know! 

Brain in overdrive. 

Thoughts galore! 

Patient. But crowded with impatience. 

Tata!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 
  • Cals Out: 1809
  • Steps: N/A
  • Miles: N/A
  • Dance: 0 mins
  • Others: 90 mins
• Food: 
  • Breakfast: MCT oil, Cacao Powder, Stevia, Walnut Milk 
  • Lunch: Sausage, Eggs, Heavy Cream, Bacon  
  • Snack: Blackberries, Strawberries, Green Tea with ACV
  • Dinner: Bacon, Eggs, Meatballs 
• Eating: Keto
  • Cals In: 1415 
  • Fat: 128 g
  • Protein: 54 g
  • Net Carbs: 16 g
  • Intermittent Fasting: 14 Hrs
• Sleep: 5:18 Hrs
• Language progress: Spanish (stuck at 25% on Duolingo). Didn't do anything.  
• Study: I am happy with my progress today. Good girl.  
• Read: The Hate U Give (1/52) (I haven't touched this book since I started reading)
• Feeling: Cleaned the house. Studied all I wanted to. No cheating on food. Overall, happiness! 

2017 Chapter X Section 12

Days: They are blending! 

The days are blending into each other, 

Twelve of them have passed, 

And, I didn't even realize, till now. 

I am sitting in my little chair, 

Mind wondering off to places, 

I have never been, 

I want to be. 

Waiting for the week to end, 

Yet, loving it so much, 

That I want it to slow down a bit, 

So, I can savor it a bit more! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4k steps
• Food: 
  • Breakfast: 2 boiled Eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 15 g shredded mozzarella chesse. 
  • Lunch: Bacon fat fried tenderloin steak with 10 g cheese. 
  • Snack: Raspberries 
  • Dinner: Cheesy Clam Chowder
• Study: Wanted to but fell asleep.
• Read: Finished "Murder on Orient Express", now started "And then there were none"! 
• Feeling: Like listening to more audio books! :D

2017 Chapter VI Section 18

Life & Budgeting 

Money is a strange thing, 
The runs the world, 
And, runs me too.

Somehow, it always runs away, 
From me, I don 't know why, 
Or, have no clue!

I am not Rich,
I am not Poor,  
I always seem to have enough, 
But, always seem to need more.  

Now, let me budget a little, 
To save for tomorrow, 
So, I can be a little more happy, 
And, have little less sorrow! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None, I did get out of the bed twice.
• Food:
  • Pre-Workout: None.
  • Post Workout: Breakfast: Leftover Lasagna.
  • Lunch: Domino's Pizza. 
  • Snack: None. 
  • Dinner: Rice, Aloo Sabji 
• Study: None.
• Read: None
• Feeling: Lazy, hazy, crazy (because I am budgeting)

2017 Chapter II Section 2

A Very Happy Birthday

When I first saw you, 

You were a little baby, 

Now, look at you, 

You are a grown lady. 

You have your own thoughts, 

And, you own desires, 

You will soon be breaking a lot of hearts, 

And, putting out fires. 

I cannot wish for much, 

But, I only wish for this, 

That may you always be happy, lucky, 

And, live a life of Bliss! 

Happy Birthday little sister. May God Bless you with good health, good sense and good luck! :) 

[Today is my cousin sister's birthday! She turned 18 today. When I first saw her, I was 11! Oh man, how time flies!]

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 2777 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None (Woke up late, still haven't been to fix my sleep pattern)
  • Lunch: Kichuri, Koraishutir Kochuri, Aloor Dum, Beguni
  • Snack: Narkeli Kul, Orange
  • Dinner: Fried Rice, Cholar Dal, Alu Bhaja, Palak Paneer, Chicken Curry [Cousin's birthday special]
• Study: Stanford
• Read: None
• Feeling: Productive

2017 Chapter I Section 30

Can't Express

So much happening, 

Too many thoughts. 

No outlet. 

I sit and stare at the screen. 

Motionless & Dull.

Brain Overloaded. 

Thoughts abound, 

Words are not. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 600 steps 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice and Chicken 
  • Snack: Homemade Soup, Apple
  • Dinner: Pulao and Aloo Dum
• Study: Stanford
• Read: None
• Feeling: Tonsils hurt but rest seem to be working. Brain feels rather dead. 

2017 Chapter I Section 26

Still Unwell: A Poem

My head is spinning
Like a little top.
I have been waiting for a while, 
For my ears to pop.

Nose is blocked, 
Yet, leaking freely.
I am getting better, 
But, oh so slowly! 

Tonsils are swollen, 
And, I have a mild fever, 
It's not even that cold, 
Yet, I have a shiver. 

Oh, Goddess of Health, 
Please make me better,
Sooner would be preferred,
Over sometime later! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None. I tried to walk around and almost fainted.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Egg, Oats pancake
  • Lunch: Rice, Dal, veggies
  • Snack: Fruits, tea, boiled egg, French fries
  • Dinner: Mixed fried rice (extra chilies to get the blocked nose running)
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Still feverish and in a lot of pain, tonsils are swollen up

2017 Chapter I Section 16

Dear Thamma (grandmother)

Today I was missing my grandmother a lot. I was feeling rather lost. When I was younger, I would go to her whenever I felt lost. 

She was the first teacher, friend, guide I had. She was my living God. She is still my God. I was feeling very helpless today, and I wanted to have one of our long conversations after which I somehow always knew what to do. I had written the following poem a few years back as a tribute to my grandmother; I felt like those words still capture how I feel today. So, I am re-sharing it today. 

I miss you 'Thamma'. I hope you are happy. Sometimes I feel you are too far away but then the next moment I feel like you are right here, beside me. Help me stay strong, stay kind and stay safe! 

Bhalo theko! 

Good Bye

The last I saw you,

You looked so peaceful.

I did not know how to wake you up.

 But now I wish I had.

At least I could have bid you goodbye.

It has been long, almost too long.

Since you stroked my hair, smiled and told me stories, of demons and fairies.

I do not know, how to tell you...

...that I Miss You! 

I miss you every waking moment.

I miss you even when I do not miss you; I miss you even when I do not wish to.

How is it that you always knew what to say, to make me feel special? 

How is it that you always knew what to do, to make me feel wanted?

I know you had to leave, we all have to leave one day.

But so soon? 

Was it not part of our pact, that you would stay till I am here?

I have so much to say, so much to write.

But eternity seems such a short span of time.

For me to tell you, 

How much I love you...How much I will always miss you!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 2700 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None.
  • Lunch: Leftover Biriyani and Chicken. 
  • Snack: Pizza! 
  • Dinner: Pasta
• Study: None
• Read: None.
• Feeling: Horrible day. A friend of mine ran away from home and others, and I spent a chunk of the night and day finding her and then counseling her!!!

2017 Chapter I Section 14

A Relaxed Day

A patch of Sunlight, 

A cup of hot coffee, 

An unread book, 

World switched off.

Worries are forgotten, 

The world is at bay, 

Cares are kept for a later date. 

Today I rejoice, 

In doing nothing, 

And, enjoying a relaxed day. 

Miles to walk, 

Pages to fill, 

Duties abound, 

But, all I want, 

Is a moment alone, 

To enjoy the Nature around. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 10,199 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry 
  • Lunch: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry
  • Snack: Snickers
  • Dinner: Pasta 
• Study: None, a day off  
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Relaxed