2017 Chapter I Section 16

Dear Thamma (grandmother)

Today I was missing my grandmother a lot. I was feeling rather lost. When I was younger, I would go to her whenever I felt lost. 

She was the first teacher, friend, guide I had. She was my living God. She is still my God. I was feeling very helpless today, and I wanted to have one of our long conversations after which I somehow always knew what to do. I had written the following poem a few years back as a tribute to my grandmother; I felt like those words still capture how I feel today. So, I am re-sharing it today. 

I miss you 'Thamma'. I hope you are happy. Sometimes I feel you are too far away but then the next moment I feel like you are right here, beside me. Help me stay strong, stay kind and stay safe! 

Bhalo theko! 

Good Bye

The last I saw you,

You looked so peaceful.

I did not know how to wake you up.

 But now I wish I had.

At least I could have bid you goodbye.

It has been long, almost too long.

Since you stroked my hair, smiled and told me stories, of demons and fairies.

I do not know, how to tell you...

...that I Miss You! 

I miss you every waking moment.

I miss you even when I do not miss you; I miss you even when I do not wish to.

How is it that you always knew what to say, to make me feel special? 

How is it that you always knew what to do, to make me feel wanted?

I know you had to leave, we all have to leave one day.

But so soon? 

Was it not part of our pact, that you would stay till I am here?

I have so much to say, so much to write.

But eternity seems such a short span of time.

For me to tell you, 

How much I love you...How much I will always miss you!

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 2700 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None.
  • Lunch: Leftover Biriyani and Chicken. 
  • Snack: Pizza! 
  • Dinner: Pasta
• Study: None
• Read: None.
• Feeling: Horrible day. A friend of mine ran away from home and others, and I spent a chunk of the night and day finding her and then counseling her!!!

2017 Chapter I Section 15

A Lazy Crazy Day

I stayed true to the day, Sunday, by doing nothing! :D

I woke up, cooked, ate and slept a lot! Yes, a very good day indeed! 

My mother has been asking me to cook Biriyani for a while, so I thought today was the perfect day for it. I made Mutton Biriyani and Chicken Butter Masala! (Recipes coming up soon)

It was really good! Hey, I have to compliment if it's good right? Even if it means tooting my own horn! :P 

Anyway, I end this lazy day by being lazier and sharing the picture of our lunch! 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 970 steps  

• Food:

  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Salad, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti (All homemade except the sweets)
  • Snack: None
  • Dinner: Mutton Biriyani, Chicken Butter Masala, Raita, Mishti Doi, Nolen Gurer Mishti 
• Study: None, who studies on a Sunday!!!
• Read: None
• Feeling: Lazy and happy 

2017 Chapter I Section 14

A Relaxed Day

A patch of Sunlight, 

A cup of hot coffee, 

An unread book, 

World switched off.

Worries are forgotten, 

The world is at bay, 

Cares are kept for a later date. 

Today I rejoice, 

In doing nothing, 

And, enjoying a relaxed day. 

Miles to walk, 

Pages to fill, 

Duties abound, 

But, all I want, 

Is a moment alone, 

To enjoy the Nature around. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 10,199 steps
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry 
  • Lunch: Rice, dal, Cauliflower & Potato curry
  • Snack: Snickers
  • Dinner: Pasta 
• Study: None, a day off  
• Read: A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Relaxed

2017 Chapter I Section 13

Weigh-In Part 1

I am a ridiculously stubborn person. I know what is right for me, and I know the exact solution to many of my problems, but I do not follow them. I do not know, why!? 

Why Arunima, why, why are you like this? Why-why-why? 

So, anyway, I have decided that I need to be held responsible for my health. (Yes, that is how much I care about me, I need to be held accountable on a social platform or else I am just too lazy to take care! Ain't I the beacon of humankind?) 

This is, of course, for none, other than ME. But, apparently, this is the only way to get my brain to understand. I hope!

So, about 18 days back, I started my 'need to get fit' routine, but I haven't kept an account of anything much. So, I have decided to keep a tab on it from now on.
 
Fridays will be my 'weigh in' day. Last time I had measured was 18 days ago. Since then I have lost 2 kgs and 4% body fat. I have also lost a few inches from different parts of my body. Whoopee! :D

Though the progress is not that bad, I have not been able to get my food routine in control. More than often I eat things I am not supposed to and in quantities, I am not supposed to. 

I have been exercising almost every day, either walking or some form of cardio and, in between, also did some weights and interval training. But, they have been very Hodgepodge. 

I want to make it more regular and a little more planned. I do have a proper meal plan and an exercise plan which I had followed once earlier which were made by experts in the field (I mean a trainer and a dietician). 

I have even done my research and modified it to fit my current dietary requirements and exercise needs. I just need to follow it correctly! 

Well, here is to hoping my brain is reading this as I write it. (Yes, I think I am two persons in one, I contradict me more than anyone I have ever met.)

Anyway, these are the stats:

Date: 13/01/2017

• Weight: 87.1 Kgs
• Body Fat: 52%
• BMI: Obese Class 2
• Lean Mass: 41.81 Kgs
• Neck: 14.50 Inches
• Shoulders: 45 Inches
• Chest: 44.20 Inches
• Waist: 45.20 Inches
• Hips: 46.70 Inches
• Bicep L: 13.30 Inches
• Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
• Bicep R: 12.50 Inches 
• Forearm: 9.8 Inches
• Thigh L: 26.8 Inches
• Calf L: 15.70 Inches
• Thigh R: 27 Inches
• Calf R: 14.70 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Fitstar First Session,  4002 Steps.
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I woke up at 11!!!!! 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Veggies. 
  • Snack: Pizza! (I am ashamed but all of us felt like having pizza)
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: Stanford. Half a module. 
• Read: None.
• Feeling: Started the day off feeling groggy and lost, now feeling more focused and happier. 

2017 Chapter I Section 12

Life & Deadlines

Do you always feel like time is running out and you have not done enough with your life? Or, that there is a particular time for everything? 

I see others around me always talking about how they are always running out of time; that they needed to do something but couldn't because there just wasn't enough time!

Now, I am no Time Management Guru, and I have had my share of 'Oh no, time is up!' moments but I find this obsession with time all around me rather ridiculous. 

This is especially when it comes to people putting deadlines on their lives, and I feel most of it is dictated by Society. Deadline to study, the deadline to marry, the deadline to having children, buying a house, buying a car, being 'adults,' doing this and doing that, etc., etc. etc. etc. 

Now, do not get me wrong I do have quite a few things on my bucket list, but somehow I do not have a deadline for any. I do not know if that makes me less efficient or more independent. You choose however you want to define me. 

I like to believe I am just me.

I am 28 now, so according to the societal timeline, I should be married with children or at least married, or at least looking for a possible future partner. I am doing none of them and have no intention of doing either. 

I am single and much to a lot of people's disappointment and disbelief, quite happy. (Now, the reason behind that can be a topic for another day.) 

As a child, I knew, I always wanted to do three things, and in the exact order I am about to write: Do my P.h.D. (yes, I thought that came first, yes, I was a genius child), then do my Masters and then my Bachelors. You see my family loves to study. We have a few gold medalists here and there, and most have a basic Bachelor in a varied array of subjects. 

So, for me doing further studies was more of a question of 'when.' 

Of course, while growing up (by now I knew Bachelors and Masters came before), I thought by the time I will be 30 I should finish my P.h.D. on T.S. Eliot. After which I would naturally become a world renowned writer (I mean but of course!!!). 

But, due to unexpected twists and turns in my life, here I am, thinking about what to do next. And, no I have not done my P.h.D. I have finished my Bachelors and Masters which was followed by a Professional Certificate. (I worked in between here and there for about 5 and half years). But, No P.h.D. I do not think that is happening anytime soon either. I mean I see some of my friends pursuing their P.h.Ds, and I feel I do not have the brain capacity to read, remember and write so much. Maybe as a child, I was too naive, but now I know better. 

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I have in all honesty no idea what the future holds for me. But, I know for a fact that if I have to start studying now for something entirely new and begin working from the bottom rung up, I would be more than happy to do so. 

I feel there is only one life, why put so many deadlines on it. I do crave companionship, but I do want to force some poor soul into marrying me, just because the society deems it proper. I do not want either one of us to suffer because it was 'our time' to marry and 'settle down.' 

I do want to have children some day ( I want to adopt, to be honest), but I do not know when; maybe when I turn 30 or 40 or 50. I just know that when the time is right I will know. 

No, I am not confused or immature or trying to sound philosophical. I have learned from mistakes. From mine, from others' and now I know, that you cannot force anything to happen, when it is not its time to. 

I do believe in hard work; I believe in patience and grit, but I also believe that our lives are not defined by deadlines. 

I feel that so many of us, do not truly live because we chase these invisible deadlines which if not met with, make us feel incomplete. 

Those are all the thoughts I have about deadlines today. I shall now go and plop myself in front of Netflix and forget about the world for a bit.

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 6193 steps, Fit Test to FitStar daily exercises. Lower body stronger than the upper body!  
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Egg and oats pancake with green and red capsicum 
  • Lunch: Rice, dal, Spring Onion and potato curry, fish
  • Snack: 2 nolen gurer mishti, churmur.
  • Dinner: Salad
• Study: Stanford, finished a module. (Brain feels like jelly, it was tough) 
• Read: Started A Clash of Kings
• Feeling: Happy. Periods stopped! :D 

2017 Chapter I Section 11

Time Passing By

I sometimes think my body doesn't realise I am only 28. The way it aches and pains, I feel like I am around 60, if not 70. I kid you not. I have recently started walking regularly, okay semi-regularly (hey, at least I did). I usually walk quite briskly. My aim is to make this a regular habit.

Instead of feeling refreshed after my walks, I am left holding my back as it makes me feel like 'this is the end of the world'. More than once, have I felt, 'this is it, this is how I die' while I am in the middle of a jogging track. I do not know if my ongoing periods or the fact I have Fibromyalgia can be factors in this, but I promise you the pain is not your household pain ache. Today's was quite bearable actually. 

Also, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I pride in having a good memory. I can remember things from my childhood as if they are happening right now. I have always been quite lazy when it came to studying and waited until the last minute to study. But, I always scored above average. And, the main reason being, if I read anything once, I could remember it for a while without having to read it again. Now, of course, I do not expect to still have the same capability (what with aging and becoming stupider). But, now I seem to forget so quickly. I can still remember events and conversations well, but thoughts get lost. The reason I bring this up is that I wanted to write about confidence and loving oneself yesterday. But for the love of food (food is my God), I cannot remember the points I wanted to talk about. 

I was talking to my sister today about how time is passing by us. I think with technology taking over lives; now years go faster. I truly believe when we lived in the analogue world; things took time and we got to enjoy them more. Now, everything there at the press of a button. Trust me I am not complaining. I appreciate the fact that due this evolution of the tech world, I can skip going to an office and just work from home. But, I feel that is making us more reclusive. 

Now, what does that have to do with passing time, you ask? 

I realised there are days when I do not talk to anybody. At all. And, all I have done is watch back to back Netflix shows or YouTube videos. But, then I realise days have passed since I have interacted with fellow humans or even gone out of my room. 

If this had happened when I was younger, I would have seriously questioned my sanity (not that I don't now, but less). I feel like because we are exposed so much more than we used to, time seems like it has shrunk further. Now, one has to do so much more than the predecessors to feel the same amount of happiness or satisfaction. 

Now, this is my opinion, and I can be completely wrong. 

But, don't you think time is moving faster? I feel like it was only yesterday that I celebrated the start of a new year: 2016. My brain sometimes is having a hard time to believe it is already 11th of January. We are already almost halfway through the first month of the new year! 

Sometimes, I wish I had more time, more time to enjoy the time we have now. Does it make sense? It makes sense to me, so... 

I am one of those people who love to enjoy the present. I do not like living in the future much. I used to, and I have been burned so many times that I have learnt to enjoy what is, and not what will be. 

I sometimes feel the present is fleeting too fast. My sister thinks I think of time passing by a little more than I should. According to her, it is because I have a fear of running out of time or even growing old. That is not that true, though. And, I will talk about that in a future post (yes, I noted it down, and now I will remember to do so). 

I do not know how to explain this. It is more like; I feel there are too many distractions nowadays, to truly enjoy a moment. One thing I do hate is that while having conversations, people constantly glance at their phones. I mean come on, for love of all things good on earth, it won't kill you to not to look at the phone for a few minutes. Or, Facebook! Oh my god, I have friends who whip out their phones to check Facebook every two minutes. I mean seriously, I promise you, there will not be any breaking news that you will miss if you do not check on Facebook for 20 minutes. The cat videos will still be there and so will the umpteenth status from your ex-lover whom you stalk!!! 

But, anyway, point is I feel I want to take more time to enjoy fewer things. But you know truly enjoy them before time actually runs out on me.

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 3001 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I couldn't wake up. 
  • Lunch: Quinoa, dal, vegetables, fish
  • Snack: Super Drink, Samosa
  • Dinner: Couscous Khichri
• Study: Stanford, finished a module. 
• Read: Started Mindware
• Feeling: Happy

2017 Chapter I Section 10

Red Day Continues

21:13 IST, I had many thoughts running through my head today, and I really wanted to pen them down. But, currently, I feel like someone has punched me repeatedly in the stomach. I also feel like a child who is being forced to wear an extremely wet diaper. I mean a very very very very very very very wet diaper!

And, the weather in Kolkata is not helping. I mean our usually warm city suddenly feels much cooler than I am used to. It is currently 14 degree Centigrade and my room has a mysterious draft inside. 

[Sidenote: Wait, is that because of the weather or due to the presence of a spirit? I wouldn't be surprised if there are a few spirits present in my room. Maybe more on that on some other day.]

Anyway, partly due to the medications I now have to take to stop my periods and partly due to sleep depravity (thanks to an idiotic friend who needed to talk at 3 in the morning which was mostly us fighting about inane things, I am also an idiot to have encouraged the fight) I am in no mental state to write today! I had planned to write some inspirational stuff like 'believing in oneself', but right now I am having a hard time believing my body so maybe not the best of days! 

Anyhu, I now lay on my bed, waiting to post the blog so I can use my hands to clutch my stomach and then make a weak, sad moaning sound, expressing how much pain I am in. 

On that note, Good Night! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: 4150 steps. 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I couldn't wake up. 
  • Lunch: Rice, dal, vegetables, fish
  • Snack: Super Drink, Chola salad
  • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken Keema, Egg
• Study: Stanford, finished a module. 
• Read: None
• Feeling: Emotionally Fine, but physically exhausted.

2017 Chapter I Section 9

A Very Red Day

I think when George R.R. Martin was writing about the Red Wedding, he was thinking about me. 

For a colour I do not like much, I see Red everywhere. I mean everywhere. 

I have been having my periods non-stop for 25 days now. I feel weak and woozy all the time. And, I lost 2 kgs! (I want to lose weight but not like this!)

Yes, I have been to a doctor. Actually, in the last five years, I have been to 3 different Gynaecologists. 

Each one of them has come to only one conclusion; my hormones are F$%ked! (I do not like using swear words much, but had to here) 

Now, it can be due to so many different reasons, but here are some of the suspects:

1. The nerve medicines and the painkillers I had to take for a while: Now, both of these were due to Fibromyalgia. When I started having regular pain, the doctors didn't know what it was. So, I acted as a guinea pig to an orthopaedic then three neurologists, a neuro specialist and a psychologist. After months and then years of them recommending various treatments, finally, I was diagnosed with Fibro. It has been my longest relationship till date. Besides the excruciating and continuous pain that I have gone through (or go through sometimes), I was subjected to many kinds of medicines. I now avoid medications like the plague and always try to find an alternative or a more natural solution. But, there was a time when I had to take around 7-8 pills a day which included antidepressants (not for depression but the pain!!!). Anyway, I have been told recently because these kinds of medicines usually have severe side effects, having an adverse effect on my hormones can be one of them! Winner, winner, chicken dinner, eh? 
2. The bad eating habit I had for a while: I know I have a food addiction. I do eat a lot more junk than I should or even want to. Now, I am not sure how to explain that but, I do! Either way, I need to stop complaining and start working harder. Life Mantra: Mind over body, mind over body! One day at a time, come on, one day at a time. 
3. Obesity: Now, this has been a struggle for the last few years, 3 to be exact. I have been consistently gaining and losing weight for a while. This is part due to my depression and part due to being lazy. I do not have anyone other than me to blame. I am trying this year to make a change. 
4. The odd hours that I have been keeping for the past few years: This has been mostly because of the kind of work I do! I used to work late hours while I was on sets as an AD or part of the production team. Then, came late night script writing and then I started working at nights as I began working with American clients for Social Media Marketing. A good night's sleep can solve so much.
5. Thyroid: It is the suspect, but my doctor refuses to give me medicines for it yet. He says if I can cure this naturally, that's the best way to go. Now, I do agree with him, but it is quite literally making my life horrible. 

Well, there can be other reasons too, but since these are the ones which show up on the radar quite often, I need to focus on them. I have been working on them for a bit now, and my Gynaecologist says, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But, till I see it, my body will put me through some sad days. 

And, till then, I just have to be careful so that every time I sit down somewhere, I don't go "Out, damned spot" (I know a bit out of context, but I just couldn't help myself, because 'spot', periods, you get it, right? :D).

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked for 10 mins before I felt like I would faint on the spot! :(
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None, I couldn't wake up. 
  • Lunch: Rice, vegetables, fish
  • Snack: Salad
  • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti
• Study: Stanford 
• Read: Finished Uganda Be Kidding Me
• Feeling: Emotionally Fine, but physically exhausted and I didn't even do much! 

2017 Chapter I Section 8

The Virtual World Is My Best Friend

Since it is Sunday, let me tell you a short story. 

Once upon a time, there lived a cute human teddy bear. For a brief period in her life, she was going through a rough patch, and she did not know how to get out of it. 

Her family and friends (the ones who did not abandon her in the first place causing the rough patch) were concerned about her. But, she slowly started coiling up in a ball and shutting people out. 

Now, usually, she would go to her best friend, Food but this time she somehow didn't find solace in it. 

The more she ate, the worse she felt. Now, being a binge watcher of things, she was accustomed to the world of the Internet, but she had never actually entered the world of YouTube or vlogging. 

She felt scared. She did not know what to anticipate. 

She started with a cute cooking show where the theme is the world of nerdy food. 

[Side note: I recently discovered I was a nerd/geek when I was young and still am, so guess that it made sense I started with a geeky cooking show! Also, the host is adorable so ahem :D. Wait, but yeah this is about the cute teddy bear. Yeah, now back to the story.]

She watched hours worth of videos back to back and felt like she could go out and make the perfect nerdy cake right then and there (No, she couldn't and she can't). 

Then, slowly and steadily she discovered others; an Indian-Canadian superperson; two Canadians who travel a lot and currently live in Japan (Miss Teddy really wishes she could live in Japan); Two best friends who have a morning show; a few gamers who live stream; a Japanese woman who eats excessive amounts of food (sometimes as much as Miss Teddy weighs); some outrageously funny people from all over the world and the list goes on. 

She discovered the awesomeness of live streams where you can interact with a bunch of colourful people. Some are not nice, I mean not at all, but the rest seem to be as lost in life as she is. And, they somehow connect. 

She spent hours watching streams, videos, vlogs and what not. Though it might sound like a rather sad way to live life, she realised something in her started healing. She began understanding things better (maybe not, but she likes to believe so, so please don't tell her otherwise). 

I think what fascinates her the most is that instead of living her singular life, she can now live a hundred or more (okay maybe like 11 or 12, don't know how many YouTubers, I really, I mean she follows). 

Now, of course, she realises living a complete virtual life is dangerous in more ways than one, so she has limited her interactions with her online 'friends' now. But, she knows, even if the whole world fails her, there would always be fun videos to fall back on. 

Now, isn't that a beautiful love story? Teddy and the Internet. <3

THE END. 

Well, not sure if that story sounded more depressing that it is! Hmm...Evidently not a riveting storyteller, am I? I realised one thing, though; there are many like Miss Teddy (especially children nowadays) who sometimes find it hard to make friends in real life and the sense of community that social media platforms like YouTube provide will become more popular. There are obviously some scary people out there who are taking advantage of this. We as a community should make it a point to report and act as and when needed. 

As I have mentioned before, when I watch these vlogs where people open up about their lives, and all you can do is leave a comment for complete strangers to gawk at, it makes me feel like a non-perverted "artful voyeur". 

Well, on that note, I shall say Adios. I will now go back to watching this crazy YouTuber trying out some life hacks. He is quite crass, but he is hilarious. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: None. I was in bed, holding my aching stomach and trying not to cry. Periods, it's time you stop. Please! 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: Aloo Posto, Rajma, a small bowl of Rice 
  • Lunch: Biriyani, Chitol Macher Muitha, Dhokar Dalna
  • Snack: Cup Noodles
  • Dinner: Rice, Chitol Macher Muitha, Dhokar Dalna, Fish Chop
• Study: None
• Read: None
• Feeling: Emotionally happy, physically in pain, thanks to my Periods! -_-

2017 Chapter I Section 7

A week in review

2:58 IST, I just watched a video about writer John Green go through some intense gym routines in his 100 days challenge, and I felt like my challenge isn't off to a good start. 

I haven't lost any weight or inches (which is fine), and in general, I have been highly indisciplined in my food and exercise schedule. I have eaten a lot of white bread and parathas, etc. Things I shouldn't be eating at all. 

I have started walking more, mostly thanks to Pokemon Go, but they are neither consistent in the distance nor regular. I haven't done a single day of weight training or heavy cardio! 

I thought today would be the day, I sit and positively review my first week's progress. Disappointing. 

I am scolding myself, of course! Do I have any other choice currently? 

And, my sleep pattern. Oh, sweet lord, it is not okay, evidently, since I am awake and writing this at 3 in the morning! 

I know I have been worried in life about things and stuff, but that doesn't mean I do not do the simple tasks that will lead me to a better healthy life. 

Let me try and sleep. My brain has to think of every worry in the world, right now. Sheesh. I am dealing with a child here. 

21:32 IST, well, the rest of the day wasn't a complete waste. I did go out to walk a bit. And, I was a good girl and did not eat any of the bad foods. 
I need to inspire me more. I feel like I am letting my worried head get the better of me. I need to calm it down and just go for it. 

I need to stick to my schedule better. I know when I do that, my worrying nature calms down a lot. I have mild OCD and have realised exercising and following a set routine makes me feel better. 

Well, I end today's blog, hoping for a more productive next week. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

• Exercise: Walked 2357 steps 
• Food:
  • Breakfast: None
  • Lunch: Rice, Aloo Posto, Rajma
  • Snack: Super Drink, a bit of churmur
  • Dinner: Palak chicken roll in a oats based roti 
• Study: Stanford Certificate. Finished an assignment
• Read: None
• Feeling: Happy, looking forward to Sunday