Blog — Arunima dey

Daily 2017

2017 Chapter II Section 16

"What's on Your Mind?"

I feel so tired, 
So defeated,  
Having constant arguments,
Some are light, but most are heated! 

I do not know what's next, 
Or where I am going. 
Stuck in a loop,
And, it's frustrating and annoying. 

I feel overloaded, 
With thoughts and feelings, 
Everything is closing in on me, 
Even the walls and the ceilings. 

I cannot breathe, 
Someone wake me up, 
But, I do not want to quit yet, 
I do not want to give up. 

What am I looking for, 
Can someone tell?
Am I going towards Heaven, 
Or, walking into Hell?

Do I need more time, 
Or have I run out of it?
I don't know what to do, 
Should I stand, move or just sit?

I have a feeling, 
I have been here before, 
But, I feel so numb, 
And, about nothing I am sure. 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weight Training, 4000 steps, 30 mins dancing
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Aloo Poshto
    • Snack: Homemade healthy rice noodles (I hardly ate), Chia, Flaxseed 
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken 
  • Study: Stanford
  • Read: The Confidence Man
  • Feeling: Torn inside

2017 Chapter II Section 15

Overloaded

My brain is feeling like it will burst open. 

I have too many thoughts whirling around. 

I need some meditation time to settle them. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weight Training, 3817 Steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Veggies
    • Snack: Chia, Flaxseed, fish fry. Kachuri and Alur dam, Gulab Jamun
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Chicken stew. 
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Overloaded with too many thoughts

2017 Chapter II Section 13

My Stomach's Revenge

Recently, I have been trying quite hard to reduce my huge paunch. 

I look like I am hiding a big watermelon under my shirt. I kid you not. 

I am exercising, eating right and I think my beloved stomach just did not like that. 

She needed to let me know that, and today she did. 

I woke up and realised my head is spinning. I couldn't even stand properly. 

Everything in front of me was spinning. I felt nauseated, and my stomach felt queasy. 

I spent a huge chunk of the day, vomiting, running to the bathroom every 5 minutes and praying to the stomach god to cure this. 

After some medicines and resting for the remainder of the day, I can now stand up without falling. 

My stomach has gone down a few inches. Again, I kid you not, it has. 

I think my stomach decided since I am about to reduce it, it will give me one last suffering.

 I suffered! A Lot!!!

I am just hoping I can keep my dinner down for the rest of the night. 

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: None
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Rice, Dal (left me in less than 10 minutes)
    • Lunch: None (I was sleeping throughout)
    • Snack: Rice, Butter, Mochar Torkari (Very little)
    • Dinner: Rice, Mochar Torkari, Chicken Stew [I wanted to have Quinoa instead of rice but I was told, rice will help me settle the stomach, so I ate that]
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Nauseated and weak 

2017 Chapter II Section 12

Stories of Old & New

Today was a fun day. I was at my friend's place. I met her after almost eight years! I have known her since I was 11! We were quite inseparable when we were young. 

In between for a few years, we both got busy with our lives and did not keep in touch. 

But, I am happy she has come back into my life. I had missed her a lot. She is one of those people with whom I can talk about absolutely anything under the sun and not have to think about her judging me or getting me wrong. 

She has the cutest baby boy now. Yesterday I had gone to a party which was in his honour. He is so cute and has such an adorable smile! :) Makes my heart feel warm. 

Throughout the day we kept chatting, and it felt like I was back in my childhood. 

My brain kept getting confused. It felt like I was a kid again and nothing had changed yet every time I saw her with her son, I knew a lot of time has passed. 

But, it doesn't feel any different. I feel the old and new is nicely blending in together. 

I love it when she tells me stories from the time we couldn't talk. They add to the surprise element yet everything seems familiar. 

It is the weirdest of sensations. I just hope we keep talking and be present in our lives for the rest of our times. 

While talking to her, I realised, though I have changed a lot in the past few years, the good, the mad and the funny things in me have remained the same, and that made me happy. 

On that nostalgic note, Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: None
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Oats pancake
    • Lunch: Rice, Shukto, Dal, Alu Bhaja, Fish Fry, Mutton (Promadi's son's party) Awesome food
    • Snack: Tea
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Veggie
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Happy and nostalgic. 

2017 Chapter II Section 11


Psychic Dreams and Weight Training

Today was quite an uneventful day, and I do not feel like writing much. 

I slept and had the weirdest of dreams. I sometimes feel I see glimpses of the future. 

No, I am not going insane, or I do not really think I am a psychic. It's just since I was a child, I have had very weird dreams. And, sometimes some elements of them have come true. 

Some of the events have been exactly like what I would dream. Honestly, I do not pay much heed to such things. It's just lately my sleep pattern has been quite bad, and I have been having some strange dreams. Some of them seem so real with details which remind of the dreams I used to have and those of which have come true. 

I remember most of my dreams, so maybe one day I will share one of them here. 

Anyway, psychic or not, for now, I will just ignore these and move on. 

Today exercise wise, it was a good day. I love these new back exercises I am doing for my Fibro, and they are honestly keeping the pain to the minimum. 

I have been a good girl too as far as food is concerned and it has been quite a vegan day (except the little dahi I used for the lassi!) 

So, on that happy note, Tata! 

 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weight Training, 4000 Steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Dal, Mixed Veggie
    • Snack: Narkeli Kul, Jamrul, Apple, Lassi with Almond, Chia, Flaxseed; Muri, Chola, Boiled Potato
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Dal 
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Happy, Pain is less today

2017 Chapter II Section 10

WEIGH-IN PART 5

Today I feel so emotionally defeated and infuriated! I feel, as a human being, I am not doing anything for this world. I feel powerless and helpless. 

Today, while entering the main gate at our housing complex, I  saw the security guard profusely apologising to a car. A man was about to get out of that car and hit that guard. I noticed he was a minister (a very powerful one here, so for the sake of my family, I have been warned not to put down his name).

[Our car passed this scene, and we were there for about a minute or so, but it was enough to hear what the man was shouting about and what the guard was saying sorry about.]

It unfortunately only took a split second to understand that the guard had stopped this man to inquire about who he wanted to meet inside the housing complex. This is a standard procedure here, and the people who stay inside the housing complex are very thankful for their service. 

This man's tiny ego got hurt because he was asked to stop and so he was shouting at the guard. Though the guard was not at fault, he had to keep saying sorry. I wanted to get down from my car and slap that man so hard. I felt so angry. He kept shouting, "How dare you stop me, don't you know who I am?" The guard was almost at the man's feet asking for forgiveness. 

I almost immediately wanted to shout at this man, but my parents told me to calm down and not say anything. The reason being this man, and his so called powerful political party can do a lot of harm to my family and me. 

I felt powerless as a citizen of this country. These politicians who are supposed to serve us, blatantly use their power to oppress people. That so-called minister in actuality works for that guard as the former is paid by our tax money. 

I feel so angry that I couldn't do anything because if I speak up, then most probably I will be harmed and so will my family. I couldn't immediately go and check if that guard was okay or not, but I will for sure. 

We all fear his job might be at stake and for what? For doing his job. I swear to all things good on earth, I will make something of me so that one day I will not have to be afraid of such lowlife pretending to be human beings. I will use my power to show them their place. They do not understand human language or emotions. 

If you cannot respect your fellow humans, (even if they are your subordinates), you deserve no respect. If there is a God, this man should be punished in the way that will hurt him. I couldn't believe the sheer arrogance and ego I saw in his eyes. It's been hours since I saw that, my blood is still boiling and I hope it does for the rest of my life. I do not want to become compliant. I feel ashamed of me for doing nothing today. For not standing up for what is right!  

I do not ever want to bow down to such people. I hope one day I have a loud enough voice to drown his arrogance. 

On other news, it has been a good health week. I have exercised and ate well, especially the last few days. I have started doing some shoulder exercises especially meant for Fibro pain. 

I have started losing some inches and weight, so I am glad. 

I just have to keep up the good work! 

Enough for today. For now, I will watch puppy videos and calm down!

Tata! 

THE STATS FOR THE WEEK:

DATE: 10/02/2017

Weight: 86.1 Kgs
Body Fat: 50%
BMI: Obese Class 2
Lean Mass: 43.05 Kgs

Neck: 14.60 Inches
Shoulders: 47.4 Inches
Chest: 45 Inches
Waist: 43.6 Inches
Hips: 46.20 Inches
Bicep L: 13.50 Inches
Forearm L: 9.8 Inches
Bicep R: 12.40 Inches 
Forearm: 9.8 Inches
Thigh L: 28.2 Inches
Calf L: 15.40 Inches
Thigh R: 28.2 Inches
Calf R: 14.60 Inches

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: 4363 Steps, weights
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Rice, Murighanta 
    • Snack: Ceasar Salad with very little dressing, narkeli kul
    • Dinner: Rice, Murighanta 
  • Study: None
  • Read: A Clash of Kings
  • Feeling: Furious, at me, the world and in general with everything around me. But, mostly with me. 

 

2017 Chapter II Section 9

I Am a Good Girl

Today was my first day of '15 days of eating right and exercising'. I was a very good girl! 

I ate right, did my exercises but the only thing, though, I slept a lot. I do not know why. 

I just couldn't wake up in the morning. I slept again in the afternoon. But, today my pain is also a little less, so I am not complaining. 

Overall, I am feeling encouraged. 

I wanted to study a bit more today, but I feel very foggy in the head today. 

So, I will just let me have a pass today. It's fine. I know I will make it up tomorrow. 

[I know I talk to my brain like it is a child. I think it might be!!!]

Today I felt like sharing a poem. This one is very close to my heart and whenever I feel lost, or unhappy or feel like I need a boost, I read this. It is not a euphoric poem, but I just love it. 

Well, on that note, I bid you adieu! Enjoy the poem!

Tata! 

Faery Song

- John Keats

Shed no tear! oh, shed no tear!
The flower will bloom another year.
Weep no more! oh, weep no more!
Young buds sleep in the root's white core.
Dry your eyes! oh, dry your eyes!
For I was taught in Paradise
To ease my breast of melodies,--
Shed no tear.

Overhead! look overhead!
'Mong the blossoms white and red--
Look up, look up! I flutter now
On this fresh pomegranate bough.
See me! '
tis this silvery bill
Ever cures the good man's ill.
Shed no tear! oh, shed no tear!
The flower will bloom another year.
Adieu, adieu -- I fly -- adieu!
I vanish in the heaven’s blue,--
Adieu, adieu!


TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weights, 1804 Steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Quinoa, Veggies, Dal
    • Snack: Orange, Jamrul, Narkeli Kul, Cocoa Milkshake with Chia & Flaxseeds
    • Dinner: Quinoa, Eggs, Chicken Stew
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Sleepy but happy

2017 Chapter II Section 8


Fat Thoughts

It's been a while now, that my body has been at war. I have quite a few physical issues. 

I have issues with my hormones, PCOD, Fibromyalgia and a tendency of falling sick or just falling and breaking or injuring different parts of my body. 

I mention all these because, since 2012, I have been consistently becoming heavier and now my weight is at an alarming number. I have had minor successes here and there, but they were all short-lived. 

50% of this is because of my issues (they individually delay the process of weight loss but together they make it even harder and that's what gets to me sometimes), but the other 50% is because I either get lazy or demoralised. 

I have recently started walking, and I have seen some result, but I haven't been able to curb my food intake and also the kind of foods I am eating. My sleep has also been a huge factor. I am not getting enough and proper sleep!!!

I have a special thing on the 23rd of February, and I needed some new clothes (I hate shopping for clothes, I only buy when I have to). I was nicely fitting into clothes a size smaller than I was a few months back, but there was only one issue, my stomach. 

I have developed a huge paunch, and it is just not going away. It is rather disappointing because I looked good in the clothes I was trying except my stomach jutted out and it was quite visible. 

Now, honestly, I do not have body issues. I am perfectly fine with how I look, but after working hard to lose the stomach fat (it is dangerous for the heart hence it is good to reduce it, I am not chasing a six pack here), I am nowhere close. And, I realised a lot of it is because I do not like to do the ab exercises and also because of the kind of food I am eating. (and sleep pattern)

Now, I am a person of habit (as are most I guess). I want to train my brain to eat better and do those ab exercises, but if I think long term, I think it will be a failure. I overthink it and become lazy and overwhelmed. I believe this has been the main issue of not losing weight. 

So, I have decided that till 23rd of February (at least) I will only eat healthy food, will not eat out, or make or have junk food at home and will do regular exercises and yes that includes abs too. [I have to attend two events in between, I have to make exceptions for those two!!!]

I just have to last till 23rd. I have a feeling once it gets regular I will be okay. I have done this before; I just have to make sure not to stop this time. 

Well, good luck and I will make sure to check up on Me regularly. 

Tata! 


TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weights, 3611 Steps
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: None
    • Lunch: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
    • Snack: Chicken Sandwich, Momo, Orange, Aam Satta
    • Dinner: Rice, Veggie, Dal 
  • Study: None
  • Read: None
  • Feeling: Determined  

2017 Chapter II Section 7

Zero Waste, Minimalism, Environmental Sustainability & Veganism Part 1

No, I am not living either life. I am not vegan, I am not really minimalistic (though I personally do not own a lot of things), and I do not live a zero waste life. But, I want to adopt all of the above and also live a green and environmentally sustainable life!  

For a while now, I have been thinking how I can be more productive and useful to the world. I also want to be a lot more conscious about my footprint here. I want to leave the world a lot better than I received it. 

I do not believe in labels at all, be it for sexuality or life choices. But, recently I have been reading up a lot on Zero Waste, Veganism, Environmental Sustainability and Minimalist life choices. 

Each one of them has aspects which appeal to my very core in one way or the other. 

I have realised that I am a hypocrite. In the true sense of the word. I am a hypocrite without realising. 

I will explain that in the following points:

A. Let's start with Veganism today: 

I say that I love animals. I truly do. I think animals are far superior to human beings. People are selfish, and one species is destroying more of the planet than all of the other species combined. 

We are not only destroying our planet and home but others' too. But, having said that, I have realised that I do not give all animals equal respect. 

I have always been against leather and other animal products. I do not own anything leather, and I use products which are animal cruelty-free. But, that is the extent of my love for animals it seems. 

Recently in India, there was a huge debate about a certain sport where bulls were being used (or rather abused) as part of it. There was a huge uproar about the sport getting shut down.

I felt disgusted when I thought so many people supports animal cruelty. I mean how can they? How can you use animals as a sport? Etc etc. etc.... 

But, then a thought struck me. I eat meat and fish and eggs and milk. I am abusing animals as much as these people are. I honestly do not think I have the right to point out to others what I do in my life.

I mean okay maybe I do not personally kill a chicken, but it is still being killed somewhere, for me! Then, how am I better? I may not be a conscious murderer, but I still am one. 

The thought made me think, a lot more than I had anticipated. I am a Bengali, and our staple diet is Rice and Fish Curry. I have known the taste of animal products since I was six months old. I practically live on animal products (now not so much).

I will not deny it; I love eating meat and eggs. And, this very thought makes me sick and disturbed. Over the years, I have noticed that every time I think about eating non-vegetarian my soul feels like it is dying a little bit.

But, the past few weeks, this has been a constant thought. I cannot be an animal lover by loving a dog but being perfectly okay with butchering a chicken. I know all the arguments for and against eating non-vegetarian, the food pyramid, etc., etc. etc....and now my brain feels so messed up. It is like I am constantly having an internal debate. 

Now, I will be honest I do not eat as much non-vegetarian as I used to before and somewhat I am losing the love for it too. But, deep down I feel like being a Non-vegetarian has become a part of my identity. I know it sounds rather strange and like an excuse. But, that's the truth. For Bengalis Food is a religion and not eating Fish (or mutton) is like losing a part of you. 

But, I feel I am making excuses, but then I feel if I continue the way I live I am still a hypocrite. Maybe, I should say I love some animals as pets and the others as food. Perhaps, at least that way, I am not lying to myself or others. But, does that solve the issue? Sigh! 

I honestly do feel that if I go veg, I will go full vegan. But, I also feel if I quit cold turkey, I will definitely relapse. Wow, I make it sound like an addiction. (A friend had recently told me how it is an addiction.) 

Well, for now, I can decrease my consumption of animal products and by-products. One day at a time. I am writing this today not as a piece to give others hope or lectures in becoming a Vegan. I think to each their own. I would never push my thoughts on others, and I expect the same from others. You don't need to agree with me, just don't bash my ideas because I feel they are legitimate, even if you don't. 

I am genuinely torn in between on this subject, and I would love to have this debate till I can maybe find a solution that works for me. I think this will be a journey that I have to take it to find me and also to find my purpose. (I am honestly not trying to sound philosophical, it is just my current state of mind!!!)

I have a few more thoughts on this, but for now, I think I will go and sit down somewhere and let this mental war play out for a bit. I feel like I am one human with too many contradictions! 

[I know I might be taking a lot more on my plate than I should, but I believe everything goes together, each supports the other. I am setting a goal for me, and I will try to achieve that, but in the meantime, I do not want to be as blind to the issues as I have been till now. That is the whole point of these blogs, to see on (virtual) paper the thoughts I have and find ways to implement them.]

[Note: To Be Continued...on this topic and others...]

Tata! 

TODAY'S CHECKLIST:

  • Exercise: Weights
  • Food:
    • Breakfast: Rice, Veggie, Dal
    • Lunch: Rice, Veggie, Dal, Fish
    • Snack: Chia Seeds, Flax Seeds, Chocolate Milkshake, Narkeli Kul
    • Dinner: Rice Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce (Homemade & Vegan)
  • Study: None
  • Read: A Clash of Kings
  • Feeling: Confused, constant battles in my head!